Rewa,

There happened in time a bird that landed on the windowsill of a teacher. The bird whined to him that she was sorry that her wings demanded her to fly. Instead of comforting the bird, which wasn’t needed in that moment, he shooed her away. Regret your wings? Fly, you fool! Because he was angry, the bird flew instead of begging some more.

Said differently, you’re caught in delusions, as though you needed forgiveness from him, which he denied you, thankfully. Do you create your guru’s karma? Where does his apparent anger come from? You? You know better, stop whining! Set down his words, they’re empty. Said differently, the illusory Rewa-self is clinging still to the guru, believing she gives people their karma, believing the gurus words are closer to truth than your own senses. Time to grow up, let go, stop crying and weeping that you’re a bad person for having wings, and needing to flap them… you’re free, sister, is this what you want to be doing with your time? Cycling needlessly? Pressing your face into a thorn bush?

With warmth,
Matt

Wowo Nepal, eh ! What a beautiful country. You are blessed 🙂

Rewa, I am not irritated. If I was, I wouldn’t be banging my head with you on TB 🙂

I strongly desire for you to come out of this hole but I am not sure how much I can help if you are not willing to help yourself. You seem to be attention seeking and need so much validation for the same things. I cant offer that online. If you were here with me, I would have sent you for an adjustment counselling and given you 2 tight slaps on each side to wake you up.

Hey, why don’t you just keep going deeper into the hole ? We don’t have many other options to trial so you might as well continue falling. I am sure when you have had enough, you will either say – I have had enough and runnnn or you will succumb to the societal pressures and go back to being a miserable nun.

Either way, please know that you are in my prayers and I know you will be fine. Give us a shout if you need more attention.

Jasmine

Rewa,

I am a bit confused about what your expectations are. Has someone always told you what you have to do? Perhaps told you that if you do certain things you are good, and if you do other things you are bad? Such moral guidelines are cultural, and those who do not share your culture, may not understand your peril.

It is not completely clear to me, but it looks like you have now gone against the cultural expectations, or at least you desire to do so? There really isn’t an easy way through such a situation. Either you will submit to the cultural expectations or you will hold onto your own integrity. Wishing that things were different isn’t going to make them different. None of us can bend the reality to make it easier for you.

What ever you decide to do, it has to be your choice, and you carry the responsibility of that choice. It may sound daunting, but it’s not. Right now you are neither making choices nor taking responsibility, and it’s killing you. You have no control over your own life, and you are asking others to control it for you. That can not happen.

Be honest with yourself and what it is that you want. Or what it is that you don’t want. Express those needs clearly to the people in your life. They might be more understanding than you think. If they are not, then you have to ask yourself, which is more important to you: to be true to your own integrity or to please others. There is no right or wrong answer, but you can’t be wishy washy and carry on in the state that you are in right now.

If you want things to go the way you want them to go, then you have to take the responsibility that comes with free will. If you are not ready to take the responsibility, then you will need to let go of the free will. Both ways are fine and can lead to happiness, but you do have to choose. Whether or not you are seen as a bad person by others regardless of what you choose is cultural and not some ultimate truth.

OK, I read it. I also read the responses from others. As well as the responses given to you after that throughout different threads.

What is it that you want? You ask for help, people try to offer advice, but you deflect it all and remain in your stance that you are bad no matter what you do. You welcome help, but don’t actually do anything about it. Why?

Rewa,

If you are having this state, then 100 other people are living it or have lived it.

Seek out the other nuns who want to leave. There might be more than you think!

Or, in town (can you leave?) find ex-nuns. They will share their stories and perhaps give you a place to stay.

Your weakness is you believe you are alone. But I promise you there are others who have been there and will help.

You need a support group in real life. Then the culture won’t seem so daunting.