Rahel,

It’s OK. Also, I also do feel pressure in my head when I try really hard to do something I haven’t done before, or think about something that feels too difficult.

We have all been impatient as children, unable to wait for a moment before we could do something or when we got angry or frustrated, it all came out without any holding back. Then with time, we learn that it’s OK to wait and when we get angry or annoyed about something someone does, we can let it not bother us and we forget the feeling as fast as it came. But then, and especially with some traumatic experience, this growth can be delayed. We don’t know how to handle emotions. Rahel, it’s not an issue of you being a certain way. It’s just that things have happened along the way that have made it more difficult to grow with certain skills. But it’s not a permanent state. You are only 29, you are still growing, still learning. I was 36 when I finally started to get better control over my own impatience and anger.

Also, you say that you can’t understand fast, but you don’t need to understand fast. You can read all of this as slowly as you need and always come back later and try to comprehend it again. It is only your own impatience playing tricks with you again, but you can learn how to be more patient. It takes time, but it’s possible.

As for compassion, it is hard to explain with words, but don’t worry about that for now. Take one step at a time. Try the meditation for a while. Try to not speak badly of yourself. Even try putting a piece of candy on your table and decide not to eat it for half an hour. Just look at it, but don’t eat it. Then if frustration begins to come, let it. When the frustration starts to pass, let it. The more you can use your brain in a certain way, the better it becomes at that thing. Patience can be learned just like everything else.