Hello Lasse,

I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through and what you’re still going through. Do listen to that tiny part in you that says to not give up. It’s saved me many times and eventually life did turn around. I was also self-destructive, all the anger had turned inwards.

Essentially, according to my own experiences and belief, you’re stuck because of a hyperactive defence mechanism that was built with the intention to be able to cope with the bullying, but now it’s destroying you. That is one way of looking at the ego: it’s purpose is to consolidate your inner world with the outer world, but things can go totally wrong in that process. It can tell you a lot of crap about what you are, for instance being a victim. Being a victim in a situation is an event, not an identity, but still people can take on these labels and carry them around throughout their lives, whilst resenting the labels and themselves in the process. You as a person are not defined by the events in your childhood. Now you’ve first taken on the belief that you are a victim, and then you fight against in anger. So the cycle both starts and ends in your own mind, but isn’t the actual reality.

For now, don’t worry about forgiving them. That’s my personal opinion anyway. When you feel better about yourself and safer and more content, the forgiveness will come naturally. It’s like grabbing onto something. Right now you’re not able to let go out of fear that you would forever be a victim if you do so. When you truly understand that you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for and you’re able to feel like you’re standing on firm ground, then you can let go. Having said that, letting go and allowing yourself to fall deep isn’t going to kill you either. That’s one way of getting the release and finding your own wings, but if it’s too hard, then there is another way to get there.

You need a lot of love and care right now, so allow yourself that. I like the suggestions given by Big Blue for getting outside of your mind. Being stuck in the mind, going through these things is like a personalised torture chamber, where you keep poking your deep wounds. Don’t poke the wounds. Tend to them. Stop all the hurtful words that spawn in your mind. Don’t listen to them. Interrupt them or just allow them to dissolve. Words hurt and keep you as a prisoner more than you might realise, and words are the only way for you to live through past experiences and narrate them for yourself in the same time. To live through what happened and why and so on. The consolidation of the events. Unfortunately this process produces more false ideas and keeps you away from the reality, which is that actually, you survived. You went through hell and survived. Diamonds form under pressure. You just can’t see it yourself just yet.

So essentially two things that I would want you to do: one is to stop the self-torture through words. If you can’t think anything nice about yourself, don’t think anything at all. That gives you a break from the poking of the wounds that just produce more and more anger and hatred. Secondly, actually practice self-love. Accept that you are loved. That is one of those things that is surprisingly difficult. To accept love means to bare oneself completely and accept yourself as you are. That means being vulnerable and open, and that’s not going to be easy and it’s impossible while you keep attacking yourself. Imagine that there are deep festering wounds within, and you have to start tending to them, or otherwise they’ll just destroy you from inside out. If you saw someone else with such wounds, you’d stop and help. So do that to yourself. Asking for help here is one way of doing self-care, so kudos for that.

Please do keep the interaction going and reach out to others locally as well. Now is a good time to start the healing process and deal with the issues spawning from the past for once and for all.