Hi and thank you for your response. It’s amazing to me the rawness and openness people have on this website. Maybe it’s the anonymous nature that helps people bear their wounds for all to see. Ironic – here we are talking about social media causing us such pain and at the same time it is that same medium being used to heal. I hadn’t thought of that before ……

You relate to me and I appreciate that. There is this hurt and wounded child in me that rages at the pain. I do insult myself and am derisive about my weaknesses. I haven’t been able to temper them lately. Today is the first day in several I haven’t started my routine in the morning by crying. Again you’d be amazed knowing my line of work compared to the mental anguish I have. I told my wife about this website and read her my posts last night to help her understand what’s going on. Like always she listened and provided insight and didn’t judge. This morning she came home from work and I felt the anxiety begin to build. I need constant reassurances from someone who’s done nothing to harm me. It’s so weird it almost has to be chemical. I think my adrenaline dump when I caught my ex in the first affair was so extreme that my brain dumps the same chemicals and makes me feel the same as I did at that moment many years ago whenever there is an emotional trigger. I don’t understand the mechanism of my mind. I know I am intelligent and can read people very well. However I get completely mixed up reading anything to do with my own love life because my mind is deceptive to me. How messed up is that?

At work I’ve had so many people – complete strangers – tell me in these horrible situations that I contact them – that I reached them, moved them – made them feel and think about things they have put away in their minds – and that they appreciate me seeing and speaking to them like they are genuine people worthy of love. I do believe that people as a rule deserve to be loved. So why the hell can’t I believe that about myself? I know I’m a good man who believes in doing the right thing even if no one is watching me. Then why do I punish myself and allow these fears and weaknesses and mental battles to continue? It’s like having hooks in my brain dragging me back all the time. It does feel like I can’t handle it anymore. Yet here I continue to walk and move and exist. And I know love is all around me. My kids, my wife, my family. They love me. But the heaviness in my heart doesn’t go away quickly when I’m set in this PTSD feeling of despair. I feel for all the people like this. It’s a horrible way to be. It’s these moments when I crave the feeling of sunshine on my face. The radiant warmth of something so much bigger than us. I crave peace.