Sunflower – thank you. It’s so confusing for me to hear (or read) people telling me that I demonstrate great strength when I feel the path I am on is one of weakness. My wife tells me this is a journey that is years long in the making. She did cry today because she saw me disappear and was feeling helpless to help me. That, as can be anticipated, made me feel even worse. Your comments about FB are valid, and I should tell you that she not only has her FB account on my phone but also changed the name to include both of us a long, long time ago. The pictures she has as her main photos are of us and my kids. She is very family oriented. I think my self-esteem is so low right now that everything is affecting me. I told a friend of mine today that I needed to rent Sex in the City, buy a tub of ice cream and just have a good cry out. We both agreed that was funny, so at least I can laugh.

I am triggered by a lot right now and I feel a desperation to erase my mind and feel normal. If I meditate I can visualize a happy, peaceful relationship free of this anxiety, but it is fleeting and gets flooded with negativity almost like there is a tangible dark energy in me fighting against the goodness that I am grasping for. It all feels dirty and wrong to be this negative. I have a wonderful family and home, but I feel like I am taking it for granted and not being good to those I love. I know I am not being good to myself either. There’s a part of me that needs to die and be reborn. Whatever genesis there is after that, it must feel better than what I feel now.

I have a meeting with a friend who is an observant Buddhist next week and I hope that this can at least point me towards some inner illumination that I am missing. If there was an off button for my mind, I would be pressing it desperately to stop the flow of negative thoughts and energy I am sure I am putting out to the world. I am extremely grateful to this community for so many stories and words of encouragement. I am ashamed of this time in my life and hope to leave it behind me soon enough. I look forward to much much better things to come, hopefully.

With deep and humble appreciation,
Matt