Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply.
At first, i wonder if you were being sarcastic: that i will not manage to change it because i’m not brave enough to face the fear with new behavior. But that is me (=my habit), i always think that people are making fun of me and putting me down.
The way that i know you here on this forum, i don’t think that that intention even enters your mind.
I think you just want to point out to me, what it is about.

And to be honest, sometimes i wonder, where you got all that insight. I know you’ve gone through a lot of processes and work yourself, but i am impressed that you know to give so many insights in people’s situations. To me it seems that you have come very far with that.

Yes, fear…
And when i look, what am i afraid of?
1. losing my job – which i don’t think is a realistic fear. And if so, it would be sad, cause i like it there and it’s getting comfortable, but ok, i would find an other job, and losing my job because i tried to stand up for myself, would be a win i think.
2. Guilt feelings. These are much worse, and much harder to tackle.
(3. I don’t know – perhaps a hurt ego)
(4. Just the unpredictableness. Not knowing if she’s gonna shout even more at me, when i try to say something)

Anyway. Today i went to the boss after work. It was not the plan. But she let me do many things myself, and started to do our main work immediately (cleaning the rooms in the hotel). So i started much later, because i had to clean other things and she didn’t bother helping me. So she does the half of the rooms and then heads of. Which means that i can tidy some of her mess afterwards because she never does that.
That is ok for me, we get paid by the hour.
But i am afraid since a while of how it will look for the boss: she often finishes earlier than me (she also chooses the easiest rooms, the ones where people are staying, or where she can, the ones that have only one bed instead of 2), and i am afraid that the bosses are going to think that i am much slower. So i told him, i am starting to think that i have to defend myself, and told him she does 5 rooms and heads off. He explained me that i am there longer than her, so i am the senior in relation to her, so that they like to give me more hours. That is nice. I told him i am afraid that they will think that i am slow or lazy – in the beginning i worked there i was very slow, but i’m much better now. He assured me that i don’t have to be afraid of that, that they don’t think that.
Of course i feel terrified now.

Anyway, i didn’t tell him anything about her behavior towards me, which is getting worse everyday now.
I only said that part, and it reassured me a bit, that he told me no need to worry.
So i try to be compassionate with myself, i didn’t *really* stand up for myself, but it was a little step towards showing and expressing something towards my boss what is bothering me.

Hopefully it gives me a bit more confidence to put up with her behavior, which i’m slowly starting to call bullying.
Perhaps i will get there one day.