I had an anxiety attack on the way home from work last night. It was almost as bad as the one I had back in September that made me want to seek therapy. Maybe just as bad actually. It manifested through my work day being hectic. It was much more strenuous than usual. I had very little to eat, and had very little time to try and make myself feel good in the day. When I got out late I had to do a couple more things and prepare myself for all that I had to do today. As I was driving home I accidentally ran a red light, and I just lost it. I had to pull over and let myself endure the emotional overload.

It was 15 minutes of pain. 15 minutes of imploding sadness and anger. I felt truly mad at her for the first time. I felt resentment for having put so much faith into the relationship, for convincing myself that it was going to work out even though it was hard. I remembered early on in our time together when I thought about walking away, but I let myself believe in her and believe it was worth it. I remembered another time back in November, the day after my birthday, when on her doorstep I asked her to tell me when and if I should stop fighting for her and she said she would. It took her some 5 weeks later to do that. She didn’t want me to go because I made her happy, and I took that as a sign it was destiny. The pain I felt was less about the ending of our relationship and more about the ending of my faith in her and what I thought was going to be.

I eventually calmed down, drove home, got in bed, and let myself watch a funny movie. I slept very heavy.
I’m up early today because again my agenda is full. I don’t feel too negative or anything, but yesterday was one hell of a day.
Today marks one week since the break up. Gonna do my best to keep my head up.