Dear Anita,

Right now, no I cannot fathom myself being calm and clear. My impulses drive me. I plan things and then they happen very differently. Not because of the circumstances, but because I find myself making impulse decisions based on my anxiety. However, being calm and clear is how I picture my future self being.

“I used to think that being sick with anxiety was me, that there was something wrong with me. After all, if THIS is me, there is something wrong with me, a brain defect, some defect. And I had good reasons, so it seemed, to believe I was defected: the Tourette tics were good enough a reason.” My thoughts exactly, about myself. That my brain is messed up, that I am ill. Not a positive thing to think about.

“What I realize is that there was nothing wrong with me, no defect. What happened is: I was injured, harmed as a child and my tics, and other manifestations of my anxiety are the consequences of those injuries inflicted on me.” However, this makes perfect sense as well. I know deep down that my father issues and bullying are what led me to develop anxiety. I was not born with it. This happened because of my experiences.

“the root cause for all is excess, ongoing fear.” So true. Most of these disorders do seem to be out of fear, lots of fear.

“Regarding medications, or as I refer to them controlled, prescribed drugs taken on the basis of (the doctor asking): how do you feel with 50 mg of this? not good enough? Let’s put you on 75 mg. After two weeks: how are you feeling? worse? let’s get you off this medication and get you on this other one.. or let’s add this one…A TRIAL AND ERROR basis), I was on them for 17 years, heavy doses, and my life circumstances got worse over time, reaching a bad state toward the end of those 17 years. Finally off them all since Oct 2013, a hard process getting off, took me 1-2 years.” This sounds scary. A doctor, just toying around to find the right combination and dose, sounds very dangerous, especially considering that they are doctors. I am glad that you were able to get away from the prescription drugs. It’s not something everyone has the strength to do.

Honestly, in regards to my disorder, I am not yet at a place where I believe I need psychotherapy. You know, maybe it’s my disorder that is controlling me to some degree in this aspect that keeps me from seeing that I need help. Right now, I just feel that I need to work on it on my own. I want to see how far I can get on my own.

“feeling more anxious trying to get quiet” Yes, exactly. I can do meditation from time to time, and it really helps, but yoga, I’ve never been able to do so. I looked at the article for restorative yoga, this seems much more manageable than doing regular yoga for me. I am not pressured to do all sorts of poses, just the ones that I feel help me.

For as long as I can remember I’ve had anxiety. I would count the letters on every sign I saw, or street address, not just once, or twice, but more than 6 times. I hated odd numbers, if I found a word with an odd number I would add to it or make it a sentence and I wouldn’t stop until it was even. I would be scared of getting run over, even when crossing the street at the appropriate times. I would have to check the stove, and go into each room more than a few times before leaving the house because I feared something bad would happen if I didn’t. I was scared of missing my bus stop. I would be afraid other cars would hit me while I was driving. I feared others would judge me based on what I wore or said. I would count and analyze everything multiple times, as if I had looked at the information wrong or hadn’t remembered correctly. If I went to a place regularly and something was out of order I’d freak out and think I was going to have a bad day. I couldn’t bring myself to change my schedule. So far, I’ve made progress on my own. Some of these habits are still very present in my life, but they are not as severe as they used to be. I think it has to do with the fact that ever since I graduated high school I am not around people as much. I have been taking some of my classes online and don’t really have to deal with people face to face. Also, it helps that I am an introvert and don’t really like to go out much. But I can’t spend the rest of my life avoiding groups of people, can I?

I don’t think I’ve said this before, but thank you so much for listening to me talk about my anxiety. It’s not something that anyone else I know quite understands. I know a few people with anxiety, but theirs isn’t as bad as mine so they don’t completely get it when they see how much I struggle.