Dear Anita,

They would most probably not take me seriously. My step dad in particular, although a great man, would tell me to get over it. My mother, well she wouldn’t even have a talk with me about it, she’s not too much of a believer on mental disorders, she doesn’t comprehend it and takes it too lightly. I guess this all comes from them being fairly outgoing, and they’re oblivious to other people’s struggles. They don’t see how hard it is to get me to even ask a sales associate where to find a particular item. When we go to the store and we can’t find something they make me go ask around, I guess to them I am just shy and they want to help, but they don’t see how much I struggle with it, how much discomfort it causes me. To them, it is as though if they cannot physically see the ailment, it does not exist. They are very ignorant when it comes to mental health disorders other than depression. My mother is the kind of woman who if she saw someone park in a handicapped parking space, and saw them get out and walk just fine, would make a snide comment about them, not taking the time to realize that perhaps they have cancer, a mental disorder, heart disease, etc. I know my mother and step dad love me, they’ve been a great support when I have an off day, and I feel broken down or depressed or am physically ill. However, my mental disorders, well they wouldn’t be too understanding.

What you described about how your therapist helped you with mindfulness helps me. It helps me have a more concise idea of what I should be aiming for, trying to do. I think that for now I’ll try and focus on sight and sound. Right now, it’s too much for me to try and pay attention to the sensations and feelings within me. For example, even deep breathing is a sensation that I am a bit wary about. It makes me feel heavy, not physically, but emotionally, I feel the tension in that breath and I despise it. It makes me feel wound up like a coil.

“You can’t do it all quickly. It is not a performance thing” I think this is something I will struggle with along my journey. I’m the kind of person that likes to see progress quickly and loves to measure where I am, I am always trying to compare my performance to where I think I should be, or how I think I should be doing. The whole performance thing is something that has always been an issue for me, not in terms of how I rank against others, but to how I believe I should be ranking. I tend to think I am my own worst critic.

“Again and again the audios were about it being okay to lose focus, to get lost again. Mindfulness is about returning again and again to what you pay attention to. You get lost in self talk while listening to sounds, you NOTICE you got lost, you GENTLY bring yourself back to the sounds… again and again and again…” This answers one of my questions very well. Just yesterday I was in the car on the way to the store and I had been feeling a bit of anxiety ever seen I woke up, so I thought, what better time than to try to practice mindfulness, you know, give it a try. So I sat there quietly, listening to the crunch of the wheels, the sound of the wind blowing against us, I payed attention to what I was seeing, the light from the sun, the shadows that the other cars cast, the grass being green under a bridge, but the grass being brown out in the open. I got lost for a while thinking how the grass could be green while being away from the rain and sun, but the same grass be so brown while out in the open. I realized I was talking to myself, and tried to focus again on what I was seeing, some run down buildings, some that were closed, others still in business and I got to thinking how they could let their place of business get so shoddy. After all, at some point they were in good shape. I then got caught up in paying attention the colors of the cars, we passed a gas station and I saw a police officer pulling someone over. I got to think about the reason, maybe they were speeding, didn’t use turn signals, or had expired tags. It was like that, me focusing on what I was hearing or seeing and then getting lost in my thoughts and speculations. It felt good to pay attention to things I otherwise wouldn’t have. I guess you could say I go around my day like a zombie, noticing what is around me, but not enough for it to spark my thoughts. I liked trying to focus solely on what I saw or heard. It was a nice distraction from thinking about all the other things I would have had on my mind. It certainly made me feel calm. I did get lost in my own thoughts A LOT, but at least I wasn’t thinking about my anxiety, or school, or anything else that would make me worry. I was calm, if only for the rest of that morning. I am usually uneasy about even being out at the store, having others glance my way, trying to get an item while there are others where I need to get the item from, or the cashier trying to make small talk to me. I’m usually as far away as I can get from the cashier, usually by pretending to be on my phone, or at the very back of the line while I let my sister be at the front. For once, I did not shy away from the cashier and she was a very pleasant person. It was nice to not be nervous about her talking to me. Something I usually avoid at all costs.

Yes, I definitely think I can download some mindfulness audio tracks. I was thinking it’d be a good idea to have some at home, to listen to when I am having anxiety about going out, or even when I am not anxious, just so I can get the hang of it slowly. Then I also thought I’d have some other audio tracks to help me while I am walking around downtown to get to my bus stop. The college I attend is downtown, and while my parents will take me in the morning, I’ll ride the bus home. I’m just too anxious about those cramped parking spots at my school, and the parking lot is always full to the max. I also have a lot of anxiety while waiting for the bus, and while I am on the bus. I’m afraid the bus won’t come, that I’ll miss my bus stop, that the other riders will stare at me, and just other unpleasant thoughts about having to wait with people. So, I think it’d be a good idea to have some audio tracks for then as well.

Benite, thank you for your concern and help. I will most definitely look at your profile and check out your website. Thank you for the help.