Dear Anita,

“If your mental disorders are the consequences of her behavior toward you, well.. if she does not believe that a forming child is affected by the child’s parents’ behavior toward the child… well, this is a giant blind spot, isn’t it?” It really is. My mother has always been supportive, and as caring as she can be, despite the fact that her parents were physically and verbally abusive towards her. No emotional or physical affection. So, in a sense I think she is doing as best as she can based on her experiences. She always welcomes me to share with her. She knew I was dealing with depression a while ago and she was amazing. However, I never let her know about the bullying, I saw how much it affected her after I got into that fight at school. I didn’t want to break her heart or hurt her. It was my burden to carry, not hers. I didn’t want her to see me as a broken doll that needed fixing. I didn’t want anyone to see my vulnerability.

“When a parent believes that his or her behavior has no consequence on the child’s mental health… what kind of oversight is it, Aislynn? What kind of blindness is it?” It is a very big oversight I say. However, my mother is very aware of this. I think that the reason why she doesn’t take mental health so seriously, is because deep down she herself is still very hurt from the abuse and neglect of her parents. I believe this is why she doesn’t acknowledge it. She understands how much words can hurt and when me, my sister, and my younger brother are mad at each other she makes sure to tell us, her daughters, as the oldest ones, that we need to watch our words with my 9 year old brother. He is overweight and we are forbidden from calling him fat, because although we don’t say it to bully him, just to let him know to watch what he eats, my mother understands how damaging words can be. She is conscious about mental health issues, yet there is something that prevents her from fully acknowledging it in others.

“I still don’t know what father issues you are referring to then (bio or step father issues? Or both).” Biological father issues. It wasn’t bullying or anything, but rather abandonment. The way I saw it back then, I am his blood, his child, he was one of the two people who were supposed to love me unconditionally but did not, or he would have tried to let me know what was going on. He would have tried to stay in contact with me and he should have thought about how it might impact me. He did not, he was selfish, very much so and left us with nothing. That is my father issue, because of this, I am very untrusting of men. I have commitment issues and because of this my relationships are not very stable. I will go out with a guy, we’ll be together for up to a month, after which I will doubt that I like them, I will break up with them, realize I like them, go back, and so on. This hasn’t happened with just one of my exes, but a majority of them. It is a pattern with me. Also, rather than have them break up with me, I break up with them, I don’t like the sense of being dumped. During high school I didn’t want to be alone, so much so that I craved the attention of guys, I went out with various guys, on and off, and kept stringing them along, just so I could prove to myself that I was likable and that I could have them at any time I wanted to. I don’t feel stable in relationships. I feel as though the minute I fall for them, they’ll walk out on me, and I doubt myself. Which is why I kept stringing others along. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be left again, so I always left them. Sounds twisted doesn’t it? Believe me, I know how wrong I was. I realized how wrong I was and tried to break that pattern.

“This is unfortunate and it affected you very much. When bullied, you definitely needed at the time your parents’ protection, understanding, guidance and support..! Very much so.” I did, I needed someone to tell me everything would be all right, that it could be fixed. However, I was too stubborn to let my mom know. I didn’t want to worry anyone. I’m sure my mom would have been very helpful had I let her in.

“Please continue your Mindfulness work- you got it and you are getting it. Let me know how you are keeping at it! Write anytime you would like. Your pace, your choice of topics!” I most definitely will let you know. I was pleasantly surprised that today I haven’t felt as anxious as I thought I’d be. I have felt anxious, but not overwhelmingly so. My breathing does seem emotionally heavy though. I was a lot more anxious yesterday and the day I started this thread. It certainly helps knowing that someone else understands what I am going through. It somehow makes it seems like things are not so bad. I start my semester tomorrow so I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to talk about with you tomorrow.

I have to be honest and say that I was googling, “social anxiety college” just the other day. I found lots of threads of others who feel so much social anxiety that they skip school, drop out, cry when talking to people, stutter, don’t have any friends, etc. Reading some of them helped me, it makes me grateful that my disorder is not as strong. It makes me feel more confident that I can do it. If other people younger than me or my age, have it worst than me, then I think to myself, “you are not alone, you can do it.” Of course, we’ll see how that all goes tomorrow.