Yes, fear is a running dialogue in my head. I have a choice to make-
I feel I am going to leave on my own terms, Just not sure what those terms are. I have the choice to:
1- Have a conversation with R-2 that I am unhappy, dont know why, just not feeling that marriage is for me anymore. We have nothing in common, trying to be the meal ticket and not being appreciated for that. Try to leave after that, even though there will be begging, tears, maybe trying to phsycially keep me by holding me while he cries, cries cries…..
2- Very discreetly gather critical items such as some clothing, my computers and work files and my dog, drop a letter on the table with the above message, and have him come home from work in shock and horror. Tears and crying over the phone I guess, and the “How could you do this to me?” conversation or yelling match. My cell phone would blow up with call after call, with begging tears, etc.
I am going to a counselor who I have had a therapeutic relationship with, to determine what is best.
My question will be which of the two seems best? Also, do I make the reason of above, or just lay it on the table, that I am in love with someone else (he will guess immediately), and cant do this anymore. The tears and gnashing of teeth will quickly evolve to screaming of what a whore I am or such….He will go through the grief, anger, denial stage and make sure his anger will justify going after me and possibly R-1 for revenge. I do not fear physical violence, but legally, etc, would be his justification to hurt me. In prior posts, I had said my son would be informed and then he would be horrified and call me “skank” etc. He has never disrespected me before, never called me names, as I have never gave him reason to be angry or upset with me, even in his years of growing up. So, that is expected and I am accepting of that.
I will lay out the 2 options and with the counselor non-emotional guidance, determine what I can do with these circumstances.
Just asking, what do you think? I waffle between having “respect” for the relationship and talking it out, though dont know the immediate reaction, or leaving unexpectedly and that shock and reaction.
I don’t care about material things anymore, though eating is usually a good habit and a place to lay your head in safety, so am not afraid to ditch it all. And if I asdked R-1 to come get me, and lets disappear, he would. I know that in my heart, that he would come, leave a note and let the house and belongings go to them, he doesnt care. He only wants to protect me and keep his family from hounding me in their jealous and envious rage. If I threw down an ultimatum today, he would come. But I am the one who doesnt do ultimatums and will not ask, as I need to take care of myself first and my situation. I am going to live independently and not jump from the frying pain into the fire. My logical side is overcoming my emotional desire and want today!