40 years ago he did not approach, as he was told he mentally destroyed me (?) and there was a restraining order against him forged with my signature from my mother. He truly felt somehow he hurt me and never saw me, except at the divorce table. I didnt look up at the time, because I WAS hurt, feeling he didnt care, when he really did, but was restrained upon advice from his lawyer. My mother was there to make sure I was whisked away before any interactions. I did live with Mom so followed her blindly, since she was paying my tuition so I would finish school. His lawyer warned him that he would be arrested if he tried to find me to talk to me in the hall or anywhere.

NOW: He says he denied over and over to his family of any connections more than a dinner together while in town. The wife knew of me and the whole scenario from his divorce from me 40 years ago. Interestingly, I did not know the half of it….
She became very angry and worked with her sons to leave the home, and leave him there with the sons. The sons are the only ones speaking to the wife and there is no communication and R-1 doesn’t know where she is living. The sons did call me a few times a year or so ago, and threatened, and R-1 did nothing, because he was not supposed to know of the communication. If he said something, they would know we were talking…..
It seems he was trying to take the brunt of the storm and make sure they left me alone. He said as much, when I mentioned this to him. It seems sensible, he knew I could not disrupt my life or was ready 18 mo9nths to a year ago.
He remains in the marital home since it hasnt sold as yet. (Proceeds to be split). My concern is that if she finds about us, she will go back to court and demand total proceeds and more. His sons are there and go through his stuff, and watch him as well as monitor calls and emails. One is an IT background so he was able to discover deleted history, knows my email of work and home, and between them could make so more calls and blow up anything anytime, but we have not done anything but communicated at work phone numbers. I will be meeting him in April and this could be the Big Blow…. He remains calm and meek, so that until the whole thing is finalized, they will not explode and make life miserable for me and make him pay dearly. He says he will defy the situation, if I ask, and is prepared to stand with me to fight the coming storms.
His meekness does hurt me sometimes, and I get mad at the situation with his sons, but he reminds me that he is only doing it for me and not to have me hurt financially or emotionally from R-2. It sounds logical, but sometimes I worry if the sons will be an issue after this is all settled. I fear they will be jealous and angry and will try to interfere.I will not marry or live with him, until I am sure he is no longer bull-dozed by his family. He wants to marry me once I am single, but this will need to be played out before I would commit again. I do love and cherish his sweet ways, but realize there are very few knights in shining armor. A woman has to be strong these days and I am overcoming the fears I have had my whole life, about serving others and not hurting others even though dying inside. (Francesca?)

Yes, fear is a running dialogue in my head. I have a choice to make-
I feel I am going to leave on my own terms, Just not sure what those terms are. I have the choice to:
1- Have a conversation with R-2 that I am unhappy, dont know why, just not feeling that marriage is for me anymore. We have nothing in common, trying to be the meal ticket and not being appreciated for that. Try to leave after that, even though there will be begging, tears, maybe trying to phsycially keep me by holding me while he cries, cries cries…..
2- Very discreetly gather critical items such as some clothing, my computers and work files and my dog, drop a letter on the table with the above message, and have him come home from work in shock and horror. Tears and crying over the phone I guess, and the “How could you do this to me?” conversation or yelling match. My cell phone would blow up with call after call, with begging tears, etc.
I am going to a counselor who I have had a therapeutic relationship with, to determine what is best.
My question will be which of the two seems best? Also, do I make the reason of above, or just lay it on the table, that I am in love with someone else (he will guess immediately), and cant do this anymore. The tears and gnashing of teeth will quickly evolve to screaming of what a whore I am or such….He will go through the grief, anger, denial stage and make sure his anger will justify going after me and possibly R-1 for revenge. I do not fear physical violence, but legally, etc, would be his justification to hurt me. In prior posts, I had said my son would be informed and then he would be horrified and call me “skank” etc. He has never disrespected me before, never called me names, as I have never gave him reason to be angry or upset with me, even in his years of growing up. So, that is expected and I am accepting of that.
I will lay out the 2 options and with the counselor non-emotional guidance, determine what I can do with these circumstances.
Just asking, what do you think? I waffle between having “respect” for the relationship and talking it out, though dont know the immediate reaction, or leaving unexpectedly and that shock and reaction.
I don’t care about material things anymore, though eating is usually a good habit and a place to lay your head in safety, so am not afraid to ditch it all. And if I asdked R-1 to come get me, and lets disappear, he would. I know that in my heart, that he would come, leave a note and let the house and belongings go to them, he doesnt care. He only wants to protect me and keep his family from hounding me in their jealous and envious rage. If I threw down an ultimatum today, he would come. But I am the one who doesnt do ultimatums and will not ask, as I need to take care of myself first and my situation. I am going to live independently and not jump from the frying pain into the fire. My logical side is overcoming my emotional desire and want today!

Dear anita,
Again you are quite insightful on this. Your first paragraph is so right. I just have to decide if the first reaction will be face to face or the control of being physically away when he reacts badly. The reaction will be what it is, just the choice. Thank you for making that clear.

I do fear the reactions and the ability to make my life miserable from all those mentioned in paragraph two. I hate feeling that someone can control or hurt me, so I am pushing those fears away little by little.

I make good money and not worry about living, but the house in my name, either means I move back home and put it up for sale, or he doesn’t leave. He might not leave peacefully or be so distraught, that he wont leave because he is non-functioning. That is my concern, that I cant go back home and still liable for the bills. Cant keep two places going. I do know he could take the savings he has hoarded and use it to start his new life. That is, if he is functional with this blow. He is 65 years old and not sure what could happen. Cant control it, but its a thought.

I hate to see the tears of anyone in pain, and with the guilt I carry, makes it painful to see the tears. This man doesn’t cry over anything, except the one time he heard we had mad a connection and was deeply distressed that he might lose me. I am trying to harden up to the scenario, so I am less emotional and guilt-ridden to the idea of seeing a man sob.
Thank you for your insight again…………………you are appreciated!

Per the lawyer, I am unable to “throw him out” as a squatter in the marital home. IF he doesnot pay the mortgage, it is on me since the mortgage and credit are listed on me only. . So, I can foreclose, not pay and lose my credit. Or he could leave. I come back and live til it is sold, sell the house and split the profits or whatever that takes months.. If he refuses to pay the mortgage, I cant pay an apartment and also the mortgage. His anger to hurt me could overcome his need for the profit of the house. Separation papers need to be initiated, and it will take about 2-3 months for agreement. So, I will be stuck outside the home, if he wont leave. I can go back home if he leaves, change the locks and feel some reasonable security that he cant get back in ( though the drive-bys and unexpected drop ins will be numerous) ….divorce takes time and over a year separation to go without fault. It doesn’t happen in a day or a week or a month for all the legalities. Just have to hope that after the initial shock, he will move to his own place. NO guarantee on that.

Courage is the key, but logistics is what I have to plan for. You are absolutely correct, there is no good time to wait to make the transition occur. He is weak and I handle all his affairs for years, so the dependency on me will be great. That appears to be the situation in black and white. I am becoming less fearful each day, but I cannot arbitrarily walk out the door and never look back, unless prepared to never come back and lose most of my belongings for a period of time.. It is like I am the man/breadwinner, and have this weak spouse that I have been enabling all these years.

YOu are absolutely correct. I am not the strong one in this relationship. I cave every time there is an issue that seems to make him unhappy, and try to “fix’ things. His negativity about so much stuff has made me attempt to make him happy over the years by fixing the problem or always flexible to change to what he wants. Everything is wrong or lousy, from the weather, to the TV shows, to the traffic, to the house, to the restaurant we are eating at, etc etc etc. He is such a negative whiner. As I have pulled out as the “fixer” and now be more of an observer of this dance we do, I see that he has no joy on anything positive. If it is positive, there is always something to whine about anyway.
I had, in my mind, given a chance to see what he would do, when I made an effort to be off the same 2 days ( middle of the week) with him. I arranged for us to go to the mountains for a train ride on the BLue Ridge Railway and just chill with him for the overnight. This was to see if there was a connection, and was I just throwing up excuses to justify my feelings with R-1.
Since it was middle of the week, the nicer restaurants were closed til the weekend. We bought tickets and got on the train ride. He looked around and said there were so many old people. ( and what are we?) He didn’t watch the scenery and seemed restless. On the stop, we couldn’t find a decent place to eat around the train stop and he grumbled about that. We did eat at a rundown restaurant, but I didn’t complain. He did for both of us.
When we returned back to the train station, and we couldn’t find anything open in the small town we arrived out, he said he was “done” with this and wouldn’t come back. I thought it was what it was and accepted the circumstance.( go with the flow, you know?) and felt kind of sad. I liked this small rural town and had been there a couple times before with girlfriends.
This demonstrated to me that I cant please him. He is not pleased with anything. It used to depress me, but since R-1 is my light and positivity in all things, I an not depressed. I just observe these little situations, and realized how I have bent over backward, and it still wasn’t enough for R-2.
I will give him plenty of whine and bitch about when I am gone…
I have arranged to meet R-1 in a few weeks ( business meeting?) and we will have a wonderful time and I will be sad to go back to this current situation. We will talk of the future and what it holds for us. I so want to throw the keys and disappear, but life is a little more complicated than that….

Yes, I am so ready for a different dance! I have been pulling back and stopped trying to make things ” all better” for him in the daily tribulations. When I snap back with a retort about what he is saying, he says ” Why are you so angry?” Don’t you have any humor anymore?” That always gives me a twinge of guilt, but I have been better in controlling that. I rationalized in my mind his words, and know that I cant take the rest of my life, to make sure he is happy. He will never be really happy, He can only whine…..
I am so ready for a different dance…..After my meet-up, I will know when to do……not if, just when!
Of course, if there is a blow up from the sons or whomever to call R-2 in their rage, I guess the decision will be made, huh?
I will live solo in my apartment for at least 6 months, to make sure that R-1 is what I thought, and that R-2 cannot make my life miserable legally and financially when he throws his tantrum. R-1 can drive to see me or I to him when we can. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire from R-2 or have him hunt down R-1 in his anger mode. It will work out somehow….
For now, I have my busy season at work to keep me occupied and not to arbitrarily just leave. It would disrupt my work situation and I want to keep that stable for now. Saw the therapist this weekend and it was good. She is an excellent sounding board without judgement and supports me when I falter. She knew me from 7 years ago, when I was seeing her as one unhappy mom who felt used by all. Thank you for your kind support also!

The beginning years with R-2 were fun and exciting. We had money, time and lots of exciting friends. Traveled to beaches and tropical islands. Have been on 30+ cruises over the years. I started becoming melancholy and afraid around 1999.
He lost his money and went bankrupt. He depended on me for all finances. He had savings and went into unemployment benefits. I started to pay all the bills. He recover minimally with low end jobs and saved his money as I paid all the bills. I started to have to take loans just to keep up. I refused to tell him anything, as he couldn’t pay anyway. We have always had separate checking and savings from day one. I was too independent to have someone else control my paychecks. We just negotiated in the beginning who pays what. After the bankruptcy, it became all my problem. He has since recovered in the past 6 years to a retail job that still pays only about 40% of what I make. He saves his money and I keep paying. There is no discussion between us as it escalates to argument. Then he wants to see all my finances. I dont want that. He may demand more from me. I hand over the tax refund as “emergency money” and he is supposed to do house repairs. He doesnt spend much on that and just hoards it.
We have never been able to have any more than surface conversations. He doesnt like to delve deeper and find problems.
I am afraid of rage, yes. It can make for physical and emotional pain. And with the idea of I am at fault…..