First off let me start by thanking you for not judging me, and you know after talking a bit to him and reading and re-reading, and then re-reading 🙂 your comment I can see that you are absolutely correct in almost everything you said. I think i need to focus more on practicing the habits I am learning about and striving for instead of trying to simply collect the data and hoard it in the hopes that it will magically cure me of my discontent. If I look at the root of my “issues” it is so much more of a personal problem than a problem with him – now I have to get over this guilt I have about causing him pain – because I know I have. Hurt people hurt people and I have a lot of hurt inside of me that I am really trying to release. I don’t want to hurt him but the animal in me says “I don’t want me to hurt first – at any cost – human or otherwise” These are all things that we have to uncover in our own ways but they seem so personal and exclusive. And you know what? He didn’t lie to me, I felt deceived because I am thinking of deception and truth inaccurately. I try to hard to be “perfect” and then I try to make everyone around me perfect when I feel that I have a shortcoming in my own “perfection” I know this is wrong, its a matter of finding the right way of thinking and Ill tell you what it is a struggle sometimes.

Thank you for your help – you are a strange to me and I really got a lot out of what you said. Now – what can I do to repair the damage that I know I have caused others by me choosing pain? Any thoughts there – hey you seem smart and if I can milk that out a bit I will 🙂 If your willing …