Well here I am again – the only reason I keep tormenting you is I assume we are all here in this forum – to be heard or to offer sound advice – which you surely have…

I am truly practicing being gentle with myself because I agree, how can I be kind to others when there is nothing there to give to me. I am having an intense heated battle within myself – I can literally feel it – there is a sensation that my rib cage is being ripped open from the inside – and I have lost 7 pounds in 5 days –

Although the information about the past has been slowly trickled in over the years,I just recently found out about one of his affairs with a married woman, and the repeated cheating and the extent of partners. It has always bothered me, and I’ve felt that my decision to be with him was a mistake at varying levels of intensity over the years – this is by far the worst episode for me. Its like I just cant take anymore – I literally have no more understanding or forgiveness for this person because just when I wrap my brain around that last information with compassion, something new of equal or “worse” value comes up.

On the one side I don’t want my husband to leave me or fall “out of love” with me because he senses my disgust. The thought of him not being in my life is truly horrifying, On the other point if someone were to ask me “what in your eyes constitutes a “bad” person?” I would undoubtedly list all of the indiscretion’s that he has done. To me those are undesirable qualities in a human being, and yes people do those things, but I don’t want those people anywhere near me. In fact I’ve worked hard to rid my life of people who behave in just that way – but with me being in the dark about this from the start, I had no choice. I feel like I fell in love with the projection of what someone wanted to be.

Now I have this new fear that if we are apart, which we sometimes are for a few days at a time, he will be in a sleazy bar somewhere with a sleazy girl doing sleazy things because of his past history of cheating on girlfriends (yes that is plural…) and his general disregard for the feelings of others. He was a self professed and observed by others to be a “bar fly” He has had multiple DUI’s in the past (none with me) and is also a Felon for a breaking and entering incident when he was 18 (He is now 52) You guessed it – I knew nothing of these matters before we were together. He also has 3 other children that don’t speak to him anymore, for their own “valid” reasons I’m sure. I didn’t even know he had kids until after we had slept together and I was in love. I thought, “well hell – if this is as bad as it gets, then I can handle it…” Well – it got increasingly worse. The character that was his being before is everything I detest in humanity – the person he claims to be now and outwardly shows is what I’ve always wanted.

It is absolutely interfering with my day. I wake up and it is on my mind – I feel like I live and sleep with the worst case scenario of sloppy seconds. I mean really – who wants someone everybody else has already had? Doesn’t that take away the “special-ness” and purity that two people share by being intimate? The beautiful aspect of it all? I literally cannot look him in the eye without having a mini panic attack and a ripping open of the chest. I know that in some way this is the ego not letting go of something, of somehow craving this pain – but I swear to Christ and all the people like him – that I DO NOT want to feel this way anymore – I want peace and contentment.

You know just when I feel “at ease” with things, or like I’ve got a grip on the situation, I turn on the TV or the radio and someone is talking about a terrible cheating person – or how men just “cant help it” and then I am reminded again that my husband was a sleaze ball. I feel like I want to love him because as I said the thought if him gone from me is truly hideous – but I feel “dirty” for being with a “dirty” person. And I feel stupid as ever for being the last to know.

Now let me thank you again for all your insight – You give lengthy and heartfelt responses and I know that takes personal time and feeling – Thank you for being gentle with him as well as with me – because even though all the nerves in my body are screaming “YOU FILTHY BASTARD” I would be upset if anyone else berated him in this way- Dumb huh? Makes no sense – I want to love and I want to be loved – I just cant seem to get out of this thought pattern – I have nothing to replace the thoughts of shame and disgust. If I could find something that my brain actually believed to turn the poles I would be delighted. Things like “the past is the past” and “People can change” are just not things my brain is willing to accept. What do I do? I am truly at a loss. The battle within me is going to drive me crazy and it is going to drive everyone around me crazy regardless of if I ever open my mouth about it or not…