Having and trying to cope with a terrible life and very prominent existential “awakening” turmoil…as always.

Mother’s Day was terrible. All of foster mom’s sons, some grandchildren, and some of their significant others. They arrived very late ..around 3pm and stayed until around 6pm …too late for foster mom and I.. I really wished she had gone out someplace with them , but she didn’t want to.

It was too much for me…soo soon after they arrived, I disappeared in the basement and remained there. .alone .

Before they left, they all were making snide comments about the state of the house… I thought I made a lot of progress with the situation and state I am in…I was content with the way things were going…until then….I felt like a total piece of crap and disaster. Before they left…foster mom daughter in law mentioned that they would get us cleaners to fix everything.

I feel offended and insulted every time they mention this ..which is quite often. I keep telling them that wouldn’t work. Foster mom doesn’t like much noise, very low tolerance for people, very low tolerance for certain smells. She doesn’t like and can’t put up with the smells of cleaning supplies.. Plus the construction workers are still working outside very close by ..dust and debris accumulates rather quickly.. there was a cloud of dust and debris yesterday outside when foster mom had to go to her doctor appointment..

They think it is so easy to manage that, and a foster mom constantly needing help, calling me quite often throughout the day…causing me to have to stop and resume at a later time … usually when she’s asleep…which I can only do so much then…as I tire quickly…

I wouldn’t be able to manage and attend to both, also I wouldn’t be able to tolerate others here, their questions and not being aware of what’s taking place…not being able to monitor them.

Her children and such rarely want to be bothered with her now .tbh .

If I wasn’t here, they would probably put her in a home, or idk…they wouldn’t trust anyone coming to care for her, nor would she remain in the home. They wouldn’t be able to watch her and give her the care she needs daily.

They barely know her medical conditions and answers to doctor questions. Told foster mom, they all need to familiarize themselves with things. Anything can happen, and I shouldn’t be the only one who is aware of things.

They only rely on the words of hospital papers…which is quite often wrong ..as it takes a while to remove and modify things on the hospital system…which is terrible but understandable…

Foster mom wouldn’t even want to go someplace else. She exists in misery and refuses to do so when the workers are present. Honestly don’t think it’s a good thing that she stays around during the noise and usage of heavy machinery given her medical conditions…

After they left, I was looking forward to a meal of Chinese food ..seeing how I hadn’t had any in years….but they ate most of the food..and left enough for a day or so..I just let foster mom have the remaining. She doesn’t eat much and seldom has an appetite for anything. She really enjoyed the food…so I ate something else disappointed.

Her children seem to think that a lot of food was left, but there wasn’t. People kept eating additional plates.

They really should have saved foster mom a larger portion…it was mainly for her on Mother’s Day.

Oh well.

I was deeply offended and saddened by them insisting on a cleaner coming. I felt like a complete failure… I am tbh.. we all are.

Nothing I ever do is acceptable enough for them…..but that’s with anyone. Nothing we ever do will be enough for anyone.

Every one wants more. Everyone feels entitled to take and receive from people. We’d drain most of the life force from someone…or make them capable of always performing to our own individual expectations and standards if possible. We’d make them exactly or close to how we’d want them to be.

Everyone has control issues. We are all out of control…we strive to control … something..

When we can’t…a very large portion of people come online to “vent” about how we fail to completely control a situation or person. How they won’t do or be how we what we want. Asking “advice” from strangers on how to manipulate, control, and strategize.

We all know about the lack of control but we try to cope with everything by pretending alternate realities.

Today foster mom let me know how much I am just seen as nothing but a carer, cook and a cleaner, and whatever.

Foster mom has doctor’s appointments and hates really bothering her sons to take her…they really don’t want to and are busy a lot but someone has to.

Foster mom told me that if I had a car, that she wouldn’t have to bother her children or anyone…since I would be here and available to do this as well.

I told her that wouldn’t never be something that I could handle, even if I could that shouldn’t be added to my load. That I shouldn’t be the only primary one to do these things. She doesn’t understand, pretended not to, or just doesn’t care. She said why not expect that, when you’re not doing “nothing”.

I could have told and wanted to tell her that there isn’t a such thing as anyone or anything not doing “anything”.

We are always in constant motion. We are verbs, adjectives, nouns, pronouns, etc …there is always action.

Doing anything is an action.

Everyone is coping and handling life and existence the best they can, and in a way that they’re capable and have the capacity to.

No one knows what it takes for anyone to existence non stop until their passing and possibly the unknown.

There isn’t a such thing as “laziness”

Survival and existence is hard draining work.

I decided not to tell her. I didn’t feel like being berated, insulted, and told that my options, beliefs, and knowledge are “stupid” and “wrong”…as she and her family often tell me.

She told me today after I told her something unknown or multiple removes, and deletes allegedly everything from this world. That everything has an expiration date…that no one has the power to remove ourselves nor one another.

We are forced to live untill we expire.

She told me that I was stupid, confused, didn’t know what I was talking about, ignorant, that my thinking isnt “normal”, etc … She always tells me she is glad she doesn’t think like I do…

In other news.. foster mom heard from her neighbor/friend that she hasn’t heard from since last year. This lady has Alzheimer’s and has been constantly changing her number, giving us it several times ..for it to have been changed again, forgets she has given it to us, etc…

Her friend told her that she has been hospitalized a lot and at one point had to stay awhile in a nursing home for recovery. She is back home now…but the doctor’s told her she doesn’t have much longer to live. The lady told us, she knows that she doesn’t for certain.

She told us that she took her daughter off of her will and grandchild again because basically they’re not at her becon call all the time and aren’t available for her use and disposal 24/7.

She has always had the mindset that everyone should be available to her at all times…when they’re not she calls them awful things and badmouths them. She also has trouble getting along with everyone. She has burnt many bridges with her gossiping, unappreciativeness and mistreatment of people.

Her daughter and grandson helps out frequently and she doesn’t appreciate it..she wants them and everyone else to devote their entire lives to catering her. ..when they don’t and have to unpause and resume their own lives…she speaks about them badly, and pretends that she hasn’t any support.

I’m saddened and heartbroken to hear of nearing the end soon. A large portion of us delude and twist reality to include everyone and everything in our world “forever”. . Even though we all know allegedly otherwise.. I guess it’s how we cope with existence. It’s often shocking confusing scary heartbreaking and mindboggling how “death” operates.

It just snatches anything…at any time…all we are left with are trinkets and souvenirs…trying to protect and preserve those with every ounce of life…to convince ourselves that they existed…. without and with these things…we question and wonder about their actual existence. Did they truly exist..or were manifestations…conjured figments of our imagination.

Today is foster moms birthday. She turned 93 today. Two days ago after a doctor’s appointment.. learned from a test she has gone into heart failure. Her chambers have actually calcified modified and hardened and she has a severe leakage in one of her valves. Her heart is functioning 40% less than what is expected of normal function. I am very concerned and angry that doctors haven’t called yet to discuss plans of action. Like does she need to be hospitalized again…or perhaps there’s nothing they can do..given her age and other health problems. The suspense and not knowing is driving me to have a major flareup and stress anxiety attack.

Her sons are giving her a birthday celebration tomorrow and she is going and invited neighbor lady. I told her that perhaps she shouldn’t have invited her until she if for certain she herself was going. She really doesn’t like going out or anything anymore. She is tired a lot. She insisted that she is going tomorrow and called neighbor lady. I told her beforehand that perhaps she should go without a guess….but she said no.

Both of them have Alzheimer’s, dementia and severe memory problems…so the conversation didn’t go well. Foster mom invited her but got very confused and told her that she will call her back with further details and the time going.

Both of them have Alzheimer’s, dementia and severe memory problems…so the conversation didn’t go well. Foster mom invited her but got very confused and told her that she will call her back with further details and the time going.

Hours later foster mom refuses to call her back and doesn’t understand why she should call her back nor does she remember that conversation. She said the lady is being a pest and she isn’t going through such difficulty anymore. I told her that the lady just wants to know what time to be ready and so that she can perhaps reschedule her doctor’s appointment tomorrow to go. I told foster mom the last isn’t doing anything wrong by wanting to know ..and wanting to know details because she is disabled and has difficulty with her mobility….and has to rely on different mobile devices and I reminded her that she told her she would.

The lady rarely gets out anymore, and is really looking forward to it.

Foster mom refused and said she told her everything she needed to know, and that if she wanted to know something she should call foster mom sons and inquire. I tried to explain the lady isn’t thinking clearly and may not be capable of that. I suggested foster mom ask one of her sons to call her …and foster mom refuses to ask them.

Foster mom said she just won’t be invited anyplace anymore. I feel soo badly for the lady.

All of this is very stressful. All or some of her sons are supposed to be meeting over here tomorrow. To pick them up and her son and one daughter in law from out of town who’s arriving by train.

House is a disaster. Stood exhaustedly on my feet most of the day and almost passed out waiting for delayed late groceries, putting away everything, dealing with foster mom, trying to make the house look somewhat presentable..like I put forth an effort. I do already a lot..just tired of them feeling like I don’t…worrying about foster mom….etc ….

Foster mom is being difficult and berated me. I kept reminding her throughout the day to inform neighbor lady and she refused to and got very angry at me and called me a pest and told me that I was stupid..then she berated neighbor lady for wanting to be informed about tomorrow.

In tears .

Yesterday I am still saddened and depressed about what a passersby said about me. I was outside very briefly and was spotted by two guys walking down the street. They looked at me and while passing by I heard one say to the other “her face is seriously weird”

I been bullied and teased all my life about my unfortunate looks…as I’m unfortunately aging…my looks have become more grotesque and unusual..it doesn’t help that I have very poor hygiene due to lifelong depression and changes in and on my body
…and I’m missing a few teeth.

The years…this life has not been kind towards me. All my traumas and experiences have been manifesting outward.

I look and feel very old.

Foster mom argued with me because she isn’t supposed to eat seafood because of health conditions, stayed away from seafood for years, last week encouraged and told by doctor to eat fish for protein, tried fish twice and had an upset stomach. Foster mom still after many explanations off and on during the years doesn’t understand that doctors are just people and just give advice formed from their own opinions and beliefs..that they don’t know everything and can’t predict what will happen every moment of her life.

Foster mom argued that the doctor knows what is best for her and she’ll listen. Every time something doesn’t agree with her stomach, she’ll automatically say whatever she ate was bad, and that I should toss it. I explain to her that it just isn’t agreeable with her stomach, and isn’t bad. I always tell her that everyone can’t eat nor handle the same things.

She tells me that I’m wrong and the doctor knows more than I do, that she’s glad she doesn’t think like me because my mind is messed up, she’s glad she isn’t me, I’m difficult, etc…

So she ate fish and had an upset stomach…argued with me about its expiration date.. argued with me when I told her that she just needs to stay away from any seafood for the remainder of her life. Told me that she isn’t doing such.

Foster mom argued with me about getting ready early tomorrow and being dressed before everyone gets here. She wants to wait until everyone is here to start. Told her that isn’t a practical idea.

She told me she doesn’t care what I think and she’s going to do whatever she wants.

Argued with me because I can’t cook, nor make food to her liking. Refuses to believe that I nor everyone can do everything and do everything successfully. She is always giving me verbal cooking instructions. Saying if I do this and that… everything would be to her satisfaction.

Keeps reminding me about how she use to cook meals, and how during childhood her mother cooked such delicious meals. Told her that those days are over, and unless someone cooks for her, she’s stuck with ready and frozen meals.

Told her that I’m sorry she can’t receive the meals she desires anymore.

I’m sorry about everything.

It’s very difficult watching her decline. Dementia makes her already stubborn and always terrible only to me personality much worse ..

Her memory and retention is still significantly declining.. rapidly.

She forgets a lot of things within the first 5 minutes of being told.

I’m exhausted and sore….but will have to push through…

I just want to be left alone …

I just want to end.