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1 Year Relationship – what to expect?

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  • December 16, 2018 at 2:19 pm #269505
    Luli
    Participant

    Isn’t it sad when it is your first anniversary and all what you heard is what he dislikes about the relationship?

     

    Isn’t it normal to ask whether your boyfriend has thought about the next step after 1 year of being together but he says no he has not? Beaing in mind that he is 15 years older. And he argues thay you used to say that “you just want to be with me”, however, moving to the next step is a sign of deeper love. Next step is not necessarily getting married just next month, but sharing at least our views about our relationship!

    What to expect after 1 year realtionship?

    December 17, 2018 at 5:38 am #269591
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Luli:

    “What to expect after 1 year relationship?”- to know the man, would be my answer, and to know what you want with this particular man.

    In the beginning you told to him that you just want to be with him (“he argues that you used to say that ‘you just want to be with me'”)- this is understandable, in the beginning stages of dating, to just want  to be with someone.  Over time, better get to know who this someone is, what he values, what he doesn’t value, what motivates him, why he does the things he does.

    Then ask yourself: what do I want with this man, now that I know him?

    If you would like to share about who this man is, what motivates him and so forth, please do. And then, you can address the second question.

    anita

    December 17, 2018 at 6:21 am #269607
    Valora
    Participant

    If there is one thing I’ve learned over my own relationship failures, it’s to not expect anything on a certain timeline if you love and want to be with a certain man. People have their own timelines for when they’re comfortable doing things and it’s important to know that you can’t expect someone to change their timeline just based on social norms of what should happen by when. So if his personal timeline of when he wants to move forward doesn’t line up with yours, you’ll know it’s time to reevaluate where the relationship is going and probably have a talk with him about it.  If you love him enough to sort of throw social norms aside and be happy with things just as they are for however long they may be this way (and it may be forever if he’s afraid of long-term, serious commitment), then I wouldn’t worry too much about when things are usually supposed to happen… but if these steps forward are really important to you, then that’s something you probably need to talk to him about and just let him know that you DO “just want to be with him,” but you also want something deeper with him.  With that kind of commitment comes a greater feeling of security, so it’s totally understandable why you would want that.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Valora.
    December 20, 2018 at 8:37 am #270173
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m almost 50, and have had two major long term relationships.  With both of them I forced things, and allowed myself to be forced.  I tried to change the other person, the other person tried to change me.  I went too fast, and then spent most of the relationship wondering if I should stay, which totals about 20 years of my one precious life. And that’s okay, we were all doing the best we could with what we knew and understood back then.

    But I will never do that again. When you know better, you do better!

    If you find yourself wanting things to be different, wanting to convince, to coerce, not feeling secure, wondering if he loves you or wants what you want, then you need to slow down, really communicate your needs, and really listen to what the response is, without trying to twist it to mean what you want it to mean.

    Let people be who they are. If they are not what you want, do the hard work of mending from dashed hopes and expectations, and move on.

    What do you want? Do you want to get married and have kids? Then you have to find someone else who wants that too. If he is older, he might not want that. Don’t try to force him to want it. Accept that he does or does not and make your decision from there. Don’t try to read into it to find what you want to see. Take what he says at face value, don’t play games.

    Let him be who he is, and honor your own needs.  Let go with love. If he wants a future with you, he will hold on.

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