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2 men – despair

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Rox 1 month ago.

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  • #173907

    Claire
    Participant

    Completely confused – 2 men

    I'm struggling to know how to express my issues in a simple and short way. Essentially I have 2 men in my life and a whole bunch of misery.

    I have 2 children both with the same Father, who I have know and lived with for 8 years or so but whom I do not love in a romantic way, I also had little respect for him, having felt let down by him as a father. He had a good heart but no motivation, he is clingy and never wants to do anything or see anyone, in the past I've felt suffocated but tried to stay together for the kids to have stability but I also have terrible guilt all the time that my children, who are 3 and 6 only see a dysfunctional non loving relationship. I've been brutally honest with the Father asking him to leave but he refused, I always made it clear we lived together but in my mind I was a single Mum. Then around 6 months ago I met someone else, another man who I was honest with, he knew I lived with the kids dad but there was no love and this man seemed all id been craving, we connected on a level I hadn't experienced before, I was attracted and had respect for him it wasn't Lin before I made a leap and in the most ridiculous of circumstances ended up living with him, with my 2 kids, in a static caravan with no space to myself, it felt good for a bit but I was naive, it became harder because I don't drive and felt trapped and isolated and he was on one had great with my kids but had some quite up tight ideas about food which made things very stressful with my somewhat fussy 6 year old. He also had a child of 2 who would live with him for a week, every other week. I found it very hard dealing with another little one, as I'd never had a day off from my own kids in 6 years and already had burn out before we'd met. Living with him was only ever meant to be temporary as I tried to find another place to rent, few places came up until I was told about a cottage to rent from a church, as a single mum with no job finding anywhere to rent was hard but they took pity on me I think and let me move in, but the big downside although a beautiful area of nature by the sea, it is incredibly cut off and remote for me as a non driver.
    I took the cottage though and the man was sad but helped me move all my stuff in etc – on the first day I'd been there he came over with his daughter and took us all to a town a long drive away and this was the day it all changed ….as we walked the kids to the park my 6 year old boy ran in ahead with him and his daughter as me and my 3 year old stopped to stroke a dog, in an instant my son came running back to me saying my new man had flicked him in the nose, I was stunned and said to the man why did you do that and he said it was because my son had thrown a stone at his little girl and was pushing her toward a busy road – I was white appalled he had flicked my son in the nose, though there was no injury – at that moment I could see him getting angry and so I decided to walk away. I didn't really know what to do or how to feel but then he sent a message saying he was leaving – so me and my kids would be stranded in this town. Thankfully there was a bus but it only took us part the way home, we had to walk from the bus stop miles back to my cottage, during the walk the man and his daughter drove past us twice and ignored us, he'd gone to my cottage to leave the car seats there. I was confused for a long time and also completely stuck in the middle of nowhere unable to do anything I had no interent no phone line no hope. I then had a call from the kids Dad who had been having the kids at weekends but had not really moved on much, he had no where to live and in my desperate state I asked him to come and sTay with me and the kids to help us all. This in hindsight was a mistake but he is still here and it's been 3 months or so since that day.
    The kids dad doesn't work or earn a penny but he does help out by taking the kids to school a D nursery and doin most of housework and food as I've become a literal crying hopeless mess unable to get out of bed some days… I began to miss my man the “flicker” who had begun to show such remorse and kindness I let him back In to my life but the kids Dad hates him as will not let him near the kids because of the fact be keep saying he hurt our son….I feel awful like a silly little girl sometimes but I've been off with him quite a few nights because the connection we share seems so real and the energy we both feel seems to bring us both comfort and happiness but then in made to choose between my kids and the man, by the father who is living in my home rent free and dictating to me that I can't have my man over I've left my children a few nights to go spend it with him because here feels like a prison and I'm so desperate for freedom and I love affection he Gives me, I'm so attracted to him that it always turns physical and when I get home the kids are upset because they don't really like their father and the father gives me a hard time and makes lewd remarks, I feel like an awful Mum. I try to be honest with the father I know it's hurtful for him but I am not attracted to him at All, he wants for us to be a family but wants me to want to have sex and cuddle him etc but I can't as it feels wrong now, especially as I have the other man sending me poetic messages every day and being patient and understanding but I'm just in a terrible state. I feel so trapped I can't go on but the father wants to live I denial now he is here he will never attempt to move out or move on, he lets me go see my other man but it's just feeling harder and harder to live like this, I feel so lonely and isolated here and he though he helps with the kids it's almost like he wants to keep me dependent on him. Today my other man turned up at the house with his daughter and I couldn't let them in my house because my kids father makes threats about calling social services etc and saying all becashe of the flicking incident that the man can't be trusted around the kids – I'm just not sure anymore because I'm so confused – I can't be with the other man as he isn't allowed near my kids, as much as he'd like to spend time with us all and not just me sneaking out once a week, he wants me to force the father to move out, he technically shouldn't be here as only I am on the lease but without him I know I'd probably fall into a pit of despair as I can't get the kids to school with out him and I struggle so much with wakin up, cleaning the house and being responsible. Thoughts just replay in my mind and sometimes I've thought of leaving my kids even and moving out myself letting the father do all the practical Things in the week and me just having the kids at weekends but as a Mum I struggle with that concept as society makes it seems the worst thing a mother could do plus I know the kids might not have much emotional support from there dad who wouldn't be a great role model. I've tried to think perhaps just stopping seeing by other man is my only option and trying to be a family but I don't want to condemn myself to a miserable existence as I know that ultimately I need to be happy in order to best help my kids, that's why I always feel guilt, I just want them to be happy and have a nicer life, one of fun and understanding not one of seeing mum and dad unhappy together, the father also refused to sleep in his own room so now I've gone in the spare room and he has taken my bed which he shares with the kids, it's so dysfunctional which is how I felt my childhood was. I want us all to be happy but the practicalities are one issue and the feeling of breaking two men's hearts it's all too much to bear. Both men say the love me, both men want to help me to learn to drive, the father wants to be here for his kids. I wish he was just close by but not together but I also know is struggle in my own . The other man only has to kiss me and everything feels
    Safe but then at the back of my mind I'm not 100% sure I love him either as I worry he could do something horrible again to the kids or that basically both men are a bit controlling and I just can't tell, I feel so weak and pathetic and it brings up my own childhood issues with a controlling and aggressive father. In an ideal world I'd have my own place but somewhere I can rely on Myself and not have to worry about these issues but realistically without money a job or any idea of how to move forward I feel trapped, especially as the kids have now started school and nursery and if I were to move well it's just not an option. I don't know whether to trust the man over the father or not, the father isn't really concerned about the kids welfare so much as it feels like jealousy because he knows i don't have romantic feelings for him. I miss the other man as we lived together quite a few months and I do respect him for alot of things he does but I'm just at a total loss to know how to move forward

    I couldn't explain half of it really and I'm conscious it already sounds like a confusing rant and perhaps doesn't make sense but I just had to get it out as each day I wake up in tears and would rather stay asleep than get up knowing I'm stuck here with the wrong man, maybe I'm better off with no man I just don't know but I know be if alone here, miles from a town or people or family will be extremely hard, I also miss just being able to cuddle and feel safe

    Thanks for reading my life

     

    #173973

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Claire,

    What is your long term solution? I'm confused where any money is coming from. Eventually you might have to move out of the house, get a job, learn to drive….

    I would start with learning to drive. The father seems like the best bet as he's already there. Then all you need is a car, gas, money and FREEDOM!

    I'm here to tell you that there are more men in the Universe than these two characters.

    I'm also here to tell you (paradox to the above) that you really shouldn't be in a serious romantic relationship while you have children. As you can see, it ACTUALLY make things harder (not talking about the day to day minutia).

    I'm also here to tell you that it does get easier as they grow older.

    I don't want to hear about your romantic grievances, I really want to hear about your long term solution for money and housing.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Inky.
    #174029

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Claire:

    These are my thoughts:

    Aim at moving to a location with reliable, good public transportation, internet, phone, child nurseries, schools.. the services that you need for you and for your young children.

    Remove the fact that you don't drive and living in a secluded location as a motivation to associate with either man.

    Aim at no longer living with the children's father, placing a possible romantic/ physically intimate relationship, in his mind or in yours, in the past. No longer to be considered.

    Maybe you are not aware of some resources to help you as a single mother and a no income household, government or private agencies, charity organizations. It is way, way better that you get help from such than to reach out to either man for help.

    Take one step at a time. Your life is a mess right now but there is a way to simplify, to fix it, to untangle one knot at a time. Be patient, it will take some time but it can be done.

    Once you remove unnecessary motivations to associate (and live with) either man, you will become less confused, more and more clear about how to proceed in relation to the two men.

    anita

     

     

     

    #174041

    Rox
    Participant

    Hi Claire,

    The day that you become a mother, that is the day that your priorities should have changed. Above all, your kids need to come first. Choose them. Don't choose a man(s) over them. Once you are done raising your kids – as it does get easier when they are older, then focus on you again.

    I would suggest getting a place on your own that is near transportation and moving away from both man. I think you need to focus on you and your children. Don't damage your children by choosing a man over them or by being with their father and not being happy! Show them that you are a strong and independent woman that does not need a man to feel safe. Perhaps all these has to do with your childhood and how you were brought up as we are all a product of our own environment but since you are aware of it, you need to choose a different life style for you and your kids. You will be thankful that you did it- trust me!

    Please leave both man and choose your kids who desperately (more than you think) need their mother.

    Wish you all the best!

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Rox.
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Rox.
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