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7 years have passed by, and i just can't forget my ex!

Home→Forums→Relationships→7 years have passed by, and i just can't forget my ex!

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • February 16, 2018 at 3:35 pm #192887
    ZC
    Participant

    I’ll try to keep this story short. I think i’m paying some kind of karma here. Thanks for your time reading this little drama.

    So, i met this guy one night (7 years ago) in my favourite bar of the city i lived in. At that time, i was just passing trough a divorce (i was honestly relieved that my old marriage finally was over, although i was feeling sad for my ex because he was still heart-broken).

    This guy became very interested in me since day 1 and he made it clear to me with words and most importantly, with actions.He was about 34 years old, and i was about 24.

    We kept seeing and talking each other very very often for about 2-3 months. During this time, I was always kind of “slowing down” him, saying that i should “take a break” of relationships and just have fun being single, and also saying that i just were having fun with him too. He always made his intentions with me clear: he wanted a formal/official relationship with me. But, all i could care about at that time was having fun (didnt really think of him, or his feelings for me). So we had LOTS of fun together. Being with him, for me, was like being with the best/fun part of me. Even though, i used to have him as a backup plan in my weekend schedule: i’d first hanged up with my friends, and then, if any energy were left, i’d go to his place or party or wherever he was (i guess that this was my unintentional strategy to letting him know that i wasnt only available for him, and he was OK with that behaviour). We felt an automatic connection to each other, like long-time friends, where you dont feel shame or have any type of mask on. Our datings were very easy going, we had lots of conversations, silly ones but other very intimate too. It felt pretty natural for both of us, as per what i saw.

    However, one day, he texted me a very sweet and direct message. I remember that i was driving, and i just parked the car to text him back “please, stop. i dont want to see you anymore”. I believe that when i read his message, i kind of felt something like “omg, you’re letting this guy fall in love for you, and you are going to broke someone else’s heart again”  and thus, i reacted that way. He immediately called me back, and asked me: “is that what you really want?!” and i said “yes!”, then he replied: “OK, then i’ll respect your decision and leave you alone”.

    After that, he just dissapeared. No more calls, e-mails, messages or anything. At about one or two weeks later, i was missing him to death, DYING to talk to him, etc. I was regreting like never before. So i took 2 or 3 weeks for myself to clear my mind, and then i tried to reach him to tell him that i made a huge mistake, that i really missed him, and to apologyze for being that rude with his feelings. But he was very evasive with me. He answered to my messages very lately, always saying that he wouldn’t have time to see me, to talk with me, and etc.

    It took me almost one month (after i started trying) to finally get to see him personally. So in this “date” i did all that i could to apologyze, i told him that i was really stupid, and that i missed him so much, that i really, REALLY, wanted him back. He said that my apologies were accepted, but that he wasnt interested in me anymore. I asked: why? he said: i don’t know. i had a very hard time after you rejected me, but now im ok with that, and im just not interested anymore. Needless to say, I felt horrible, but i accepted and walk away saying good bye, take care, and i wish you the best.

    Then, when i got into my home, i had the toughest time of my life trying to accept and move on with this new reality. I even got a massive slim down, because i was so sad that i lost my apetite almost completely for months.

    After that we had very little contact…ie: texted me on my birthday, invited me for a meeting in one bar with his friends (that i knew them all during our 2 months relationship), but i preferred not to go, i texted him for his birthday and other little contact on facebook aswell.

    Fact is: we both moved up with our lives…i started dating with another guy more seriously, and we got accidentally pregnant. So we moved together, had our baby, and now we are a happy family of 4. My ex also got another girlfriend, got a baby too, and i dont know much more (oh yes! he deleted me from his facebook…didnt understood that part too?)

    Now i am more confused because this guy added me to his linked in network, two times. The first time i declined the invitation. And then he sent a new one, wich i have accepted.

    The problem here is that i feel i didnt get over this story. Always my ex is back in my mind, dreams, and everything. I think that i would love to see and talk to him again. I kind of miss him until today, if that is possible. Hard to admit it, but i dont feel the same “automatic” connection with my current boyfriend, even if we’ve been together for more than 6 years. I dont feel the same feeling, nor the fun, etc. This really freaks me out and have caused damage to my current relationship, because i feel blamed for not forgetting the other guy.

    However, i understand all the “theory” overcoming this situations. And im doing my part, but i just keep wondering: UNTIL WHEN i will miss him or his memories? and i am curious about whats happening in his life aswell, and all i really would want is just to give a sh*t…but i dont 🙁

    What i’m doing wrong?!

    Any advice or comment, would be highly appreciated. Thanks again 🙂

     

     

     

     

     

    February 16, 2018 at 6:28 pm #192895
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi ZC

    W.O.R.M  Write One Read Many  is a software term for writing code that is run over and over again.  Your consciousness has become fixated on the WORM of the imagined future that cannot be and so you suffer. If only, could of, should of… you replay the memories in the hopes of changing the past… feeding the WORM and allowing it to embed itself deeper and deeper.

    I do not mean to be harsh. However as you know (but do not know) the issue is not about your ex and to stop the pain what is required is to stop feeding the WORM. (When you do kill the WORM and look back on how you did it, that is exactly what you will have done, you will have gotten to the point where you just stop. Maybe that takes years of therapy or maybe you just decide to do it).

    It is possible one of the reasons that you don’t stop is that a part of you gets of payoff in dwelling on the past. The payoff of staying stuck could be the comfort of certainty experienced by not changing and moving on.  Staying stuck, out weighing the payoff of stopping and entering into a future that is uncertain.

    You mention Karma. Karma as I understand is about ones action and cause and effect. Our actions create what we experience as well as what we a capable of seeing, the choices we are capable of making. Using the idea of reincarnation as a metaphor (each breathe is a death and a rebirth) we have the possibility to change to a higher or lower level with each breath we take . Our karma influences which door we might go through during the transition between death and rebirth. A karma based on fear may view the door to the higher level as the more difficult and uncertain path and door to the lower level of consciousnesses easier, less scary. We tend in each breath to chose the same level door  however the opportunity to choose the higher level of consciousness is always present.

    Again sorry if the above comes off as being harsh.

     

    February 16, 2018 at 7:32 pm #192897
    VJ
    Participant

    Hi ZC,

    Yes, when someone or something is on our mind for a long time it is all karmic. To repay your karmic debts and settle your karmic accounts you need to dissolve the karmic links with that person, thing or place.

    Do both of these ‘energy healing exercises’ and see yourself finding peace in this situation and getting back towards your current partner.

    1) From what you have explained it appears you still have the energetic cords (ties) of attachment with this person. These cords are invisible since they are at an energetic level. They are also called as psychic ties and they are especially in relationships. The cords of attachment need to be dissolved.

    Please go through the below links to know more on what it is and what to do-
    http://ascendedrelationships.com/cutting-energy-cords

    Calling upon Archangel Michael with his golden sword is a very famous way of cutting negative cords-
    http://www.nikkiboruch.com/how-to-cut-energetic-cords-with-archangel-michael

    http://www.amagicalworld.com/index.php/energy-healing/etheric-cord-cutting

    http://www.wikihow.com/Work-With-Archangel-Michael

    There are many ways of doing this. Simply do a web search on “cutting energetic cords of attachment”

    If you prefer something visual then there are videos on YouTube too.

    2) Forgiveness Exercise:

    Format: I _______ FORGIVE YOU _____________, YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME, THANK YOU.
    Example: I FORGIVE YOU , YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME, THANK YOU.

    Chant the above as many times as possible. You can do this whenever you are not able to do the 1st one….or even when you are cooking, washing dishes, standing in a queue, lying down on the bed, or whenever those thoughts about him bother you.

     

    Warm Regards,

    VJ

    February 17, 2018 at 5:50 am #192937
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi ZC,

    This old friend represents a golden time of your life. You were young, single, free, and had options! You were the chosen one. He was your pining devotee. It felt great! I’ve been the worshipped goddess before. I’ve been there! I get it.

    Then in your kindly beneficence, you set him loose.

    But by then everyone had grown a little older, a little more long in the tooth, a little jaded, and he took you at your word. YOU had to go to HIM. Which was bad enough, but then you found out that no one is as busy as someone who isn’t interested in you.

    Now that everyone’s in their thirties with kids, it’s SO EASY to be nostalgic over your past.

    But (and I’ve been there too) if you ever manage to hook up again, you will quickly see that it wouldn’t be the same. What else would there be to talk about but the kids anyway?

    Best,

    Inky

    February 17, 2018 at 5:52 am #192939
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ZC:

    Part of your fascination with this man in your life has to do with the special time you met him, being 24, feeling free after some time of… entrapment, perhaps, in a marriage. It was your favorite bar where you met him, you did a lot of fun things. You didn’t have a child then, you were single and free, life held possibilities.

    It reminds me of the first time I visited Disneyland in California. It was magical. The second, third etc. visits there were not magical. The first time had magic in it because it was the first time and because of the special circumstances around that first visit. I felt free and life seemed full of possibilities.

    It may very well be that if you were back in a relationship with him (in some parallel universe, that is, one where you are not a mother and in a relationship with another man), it would not be the same as it was. Most likely it will not. The magic, the attachment to him, lots of that probably has to do with the mindset and circumstances that existed then, but have chanced since.

    anita

    February 19, 2018 at 9:33 am #193329
    ZC
    Participant

    Dear Inky:

    Thanks for replying! I’ve come to that conclusion many times, too. That he is only “that” special to me not because of him, but because all the circumstances at that time (yes! i agree that those times were like a real dream to me!). And i do believe too that nowadays we’re simply NOT that “characters” anymore.

    I only wish that i could forget the bad feelings that come with him (sadness, regret, etc). I know that i will never forget the great time i had and what we shared together. But i would like to remember him with as smile in my face, just the way i do remember “the other guys”, because of course, he wasn’t the only one around…

    February 19, 2018 at 9:37 am #193333
    ZC
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for replying 🙂

    I do agree with you. And i really believe that it’s all in my imagination (in the real life, we’re not the same anymore).

    I just want to break this loop, and stop the bad feelings that come with this memories. It will be great if someday i manage to remember this “golden time” with no regrets, or sadness at all! Just with laughs and plenty of good memories. That’s my current goal, and for the 1st time, i’m considering in getting some professional advice to get there. 🙂 Thanks again!

    February 19, 2018 at 9:53 am #193335
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ZC:

    You are welcome.

    In your original post you wrote: “He always made his intentions with me clear: he wanted a formal/ official relationship with me… Being with him, for me, was like being with the best/ fun part of me…like long-time friends…”

    When you broke up with him he told you: “I’ll respect your decision and leave you alone”. Then he kept his word and  “just disappeared”.

    Next, you regretted breaking up with him, reached out to him and he told you that your “apologies were accepted, but that “he wasn’t interested in (you) anymore… I had a very hard time after you rejected me, but now I’m ok with that, and I’m just not interested anymore”.

    Maybe your sadness and regret have to do with the fact that this was an honest, decent, straightforward man, one who kept his word, no games, no manipulations. And there was no do-over with him. There was a consequence to your choice to break up with him and you couldn’t go back.

    In my experience a ma/ person like him is rare. Is that your experience as well, before him and after him?

    anita

     

    February 19, 2018 at 9:54 am #193337
    ZC
    Participant

    Dear Peter,

    Thanks!!

    No, you’re not being harsh, but you are helping me understand what and where the problem is, so i can solve it (at least, try).

    I have come to considerate professional help, but being clear about the issue may be enough to start healing myself.

    Thanks again!

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by ZC.
    February 19, 2018 at 10:15 am #193347
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear ZC: in case you didn’t notice, I replied to you recently. If you didn’t notice and would like to read it, please do.

    anita

    February 19, 2018 at 10:15 am #193349
    ZC
    Participant

    Anita:

    For some reason, yes, my ex-husband was a very decent man aswell. My current husband is a fantastic man, too!

    I haven’t had any episode (not yet) with a man cheating, or playing games with me.

    I’m a very straightforward person, too. I’ve never played games with anybody, and with this man i said right from the beginning that i didn’t felt like “ready” to have a serious plan. In fact, when i met him, we have a nice talk at the bar, and then i said “i have to leave”, and he asked for my cellphone number. I said “no way!”. He asked again. I said no again. Then, i said bye and took my car (i had to carry my drunk friend to the car, and drop her in her place safely). When i was leaving the street, i saw this guy walking down the street, so i asked if he needed a ride to his place (by coincidence, he happened to live really close to my friend’s house – he had told me during our conversation at the bar). So as he was without his car, i dropped him onto his place, and then he said: PLEASE, may i have your number? i’m gonna call you tomorrow. i said: OK OK, i don’t believe you, but there you have it….). I gave my phone number. He called the day after, and we had dinner together.

    I mean, when i was out just for fun, i always made it clear to the guys i was hanging out. This guy was certainly a serious guy, and i kind of knew it from the beginning…  never wanted to play with him, too.

    February 19, 2018 at 10:44 am #193355
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ZC:

    Maybe your sadness and regret then has to do with the fact that at the time you just wanted to have fun, “was out just for fun”, as you wrote. Is it (checking different possibilities) that you have felt guilty, perhaps, for just having fun?

    anita

    February 20, 2018 at 11:12 am #193573
    ZC
    Participant

    Dear Anita: dont think so. In fact, i don’t regret how much fun i had. I’m even proud of have taken this time in my life, at least once. It made me so happy and lighter! 🙂

    February 20, 2018 at 12:43 pm #193587
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ZC:

    If you want to further explore the issue, we can keep doing so. For that purpose, can you define the issue, or the problem. You wrote that you miss him, that you can’t forget him, who significant of a problem is it in your life, how does it affect you and your current relationship?

    * Will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours.

    anita

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