Dear devesh tiwaro:

Thank you for sharing your situation so openly—it takes courage to express these feelings. It sounds like you’re at a crossroads, feeling overwhelmed and unsure about how to move forward.

It’s clear that your girlfriend deeply values and cares for you, which is why she wants to marry you despite the challenges. At the same time, it’s just as important to honor your own feelings and needs. Staying in a relationship when you’re not happy or fulfilled might end up hurting both of you in the long run, as well as complicating things further.

Perhaps having an honest and respectful conversation with her about how you feel could help. It’s important to express your thoughts gently but clearly, so she understands where you’re coming from. While it might be difficult, being transparent will allow both of you to consider what’s best for yourselves and for the relationship.

If you’re feeling anxious or confused, it might also help to talk to a trusted friend, mentor, or even a counselor. They could provide guidance as you navigate these emotions and decisions.

You’re in a tough spot, but taking the time to reflect on what you want for your future—and communicating that openly—can help you find clarity.

Wishing you peace and clarity as you work through this. Please feel free to post again for more input.

anita

Dear devesh tiwaro:

Thank you for sharing more about your situation. It sounds like these conversations have been very challenging for both of you. Her crying might not necessarily mean she’s being manipulative (first thought that came to my mind)—it could be her way of processing emotions or expressing how deeply she’s affected by the discussions. That said, if her reaction makes it difficult for you to communicate openly, that’s definitely something to reflect on.

Maybe it would help to approach these conversations in a way that creates space for both of your feelings without escalating into arguments. For example, you could write your thoughts down first to organize them, or find a calm moment to talk when emotions aren’t already running high. If this feels overwhelming, seeking guidance from a counselor or mediator might also give you tools to have more productive discussions.

Ultimately, it’s important to consider both your needs and hers—and whether this relationship can provide mutual understanding and support.

anita

Dear devesh tiwaro:

You are welcome! I will return to your thread Sat morning (Fri afternoon here) to reply further. In the meantime, whatever you would like to add that may make the situation clearer for me, please do.

anita

Hi Devesh Tiwaro

Yes, it is important to honour your needs if things aren’t working between you both. Have you tried to break up with her before?

I don’t believe that there is a way for this to end without her being upset because she cares about you, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t happen because it sounds like you are pretty sure about your desire to end the relationship.

Do you live together? Or separately? Discussing things in person can be beneficial although it is upsetting and stressful for you both, it shows care and respect for her and the seven year relationship you have had and offers closure. There are other ways to end a relationship. Phone call, text and ghosting are some options. Whilst less stressful for you, the options are more progressively more stressful for her because of the lack of respect. If you feel extremely stressed or afraid of her reaction, or feel like you are unable to leave her because you care about how upset she is during an in person conversation it might be worth considering one of these options.

It might be helpful to think about what you might want to say and of course, if she behaves disrespectfully towards you, it might be a good idea to end the conversation and protect yourself.

Dear devesh tiwaro:

This is my understanding of your situation:

You feel torn between your desire for freedom—to live life on your terms, explore new experiences, and avoid long-term commitments—and your girlfriend’s expectations of marriage and stability. This inner conflict is causing significant anxiety and stress.

Your feelings of guilt, as expressed in “I feel like a demon,” indicate that you’re struggling with the morality of your actions and how they are affecting your girlfriend.

Throughout your seven-year relationship, you have engaged in multiple casual relationships, which suggests difficulty with commitment and fidelity. It seems you find fulfillment outside of the current relationship dynamic.

Describing yourself as a “play type man” shows self-awareness of your behavior, though you haven’t addressed the root causes behind your inability or unwillingness to remain loyal.

Your longing to ‘shift to another country’ and ‘explore other people’ highlights your priority for adventure and independence over settling down. It appears you feel constrained, even suffocated, by the long-term nature of your current relationship.

Although you had open conversations with your girlfriend, they often end in arguments and emotional reactions, such as her crying. This reflects the difficulty in bridging your differing needs and goals, leading to unproductive communication.

You describe your girlfriend as “loyal, caring, and struggling,” and it’s clear she is fully committed to the relationship, even desiring marriage. This creates a significant mismatch, as you do not share her vision of a future together.

Her tears and sadness indicate how deeply invested and hurt she is by the situation. At the same time, your anxiety and guilt show you are also emotionally overwhelmed. Both of you are suffering, but for different reasons.

Her response, “if you’re feeling bored with me then it’s fine to leave me,” suggests she feels rejected and may even be blaming herself for the state of the relationship.

At its core, the relationship seems misaligned in goals, values, and emotional needs. Your desire for personal freedom contrasts sharply with her hope for long-term commitment and stability, creating ongoing tension.

While you’re trying to avoid hurting your girlfriend, your continued presence in the relationship appears to prolong the pain for both of you. Staying out of guilt rather than genuine commitment risks causing even greater emotional harm over time.

This situation reflects a deep incompatibility between you and your girlfriend. While you don’t intend to hurt her, your actions and lack of commitment are already causing pain. Staying in the relationship out of obligation seems likely to extend the suffering for both parties.

The healthiest step may be to have one final, honest, and compassionate conversation with your girlfriend. Clearly communicate your feelings and intentions. While this may be painful for her initially, it could allow both of you to move forward in ways that align with your individual desires and needs.

Further advice:

(1) Take time to better understand your feelings, priorities, and patterns, such as struggles with commitment. If you’re comfortable, you can explore these here in your thread. Therapy or counseling might also help you gain clarity and better understanding.

(2) Avoid sending mixed signals—for example, considering engagement while expressing disinterest in marriage. Embrace honesty fully and commit to living authentically, both for your well-being and for hers.

(3) Shift the focus from solely the breakup => building understanding and compassion for yourself and for her. Doing so can create closure that makes it possible for both of you to heal and grow individually.

(4) Remember that while you can show compassion, you cannot control how your girlfriend feels or reacts. Accept what you cannot change, and have the courage to focus on the things that are within your power to change.

I hope these suggestions help guide you toward clarity and peace in this difficult situation. Wishing you strength and growth as you navigate the next steps with care.

anita

Dear Devesh:

Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad that my message brought you some comfort during this confusing time. It’s clear how much you care for your girlfriend and want to make the best decision for both of you. And yes, you are welcome to have your girlfriend communicate with me by starting her own thread in these forums (there’s no private messaging available here).

From what you’ve shared, this situation has been very difficult for a long, long time. The repeated cycle of almost breaking up and getting back together must be exhausting for both of you, especially since the underlying issues remain unresolved.

I want to offer you a perspective that might help you understand some of the anxiety and fear of commitment you’ve described. Often, as adults, we carry unresolved conflicts or emotions from our early life into our current relationships, even without realizing it.

For example, if a child grows up with a parent who criticized them a lot or mistreated them emotionally, the child may feel trapped or powerless in that dynamic. Over time, that feeling of being “stuck” can create a deep fear of getting trapped in any relationship. Even as an adult, this fear can persist, making it difficult to fully embrace a partnership—even with someone who has all the qualities of a perfect and caring partner, like you described your girlfriend to be.

It’s possible that some of your anxiety might stem from experiences like these, where the fear isn’t about your girlfriend herself but about what being in a committed relationship might mean for you emotionally. Exploring this further could provide you with valuable insight and help you navigate these feelings with greater clarity and peace.

Devesh, understanding yourself better is a powerful step forward, and I believe you have the strength and courage to face these deeper questions. You’re already showing that by seeking guidance and reflecting so thoughtfully. Wishing you clarity and healing as you continue on this path.

anita

Dear Devesh:

Thank you for your kind words—I’m truly glad that my perspective may be helpful to you. It means a lot to know that you feel a bit more confident and supported. You’re navigating a very challenging situation, and your openness and willingness to reflect are real strengths.

I’m here to guide and support you as you continue to explore your feelings and make thoughtful decisions. It’s clear how much you care about doing what’s best for both you and your girlfriend, and your commitment to understanding the situation shows your genuine heart.

Take your time to process everything, and don’t hesitate to reach out whenever you feel ready or need further guidance. You’re not alone in this, and I believe you’ll find the clarity and peace you’re searching for.

Wishing you strength and confidence as you move forward, Devesh.

anita