Dear Anita,

Thank you for the Christmas wishes! I apologize for the delay in replying, as I haven’t logged into TB in some time. I hope your Christmas was a joyous one.

I continue to hang out with my coworker friend at least weekly. We typically go out to dinner and have cooked for one another this month. Things were largely platonic, albeit it the occasional touch on the arm or back by the both of us. I did stay the night at her place—in her bed—about two weeks ago, but I did not instigate anything sexual out of respect for her (though we did hold each other a bit during the night). We had been drinking after dinner and I didn’t want to risk driving home, so she offered for me to stay.

I had planned a day trip this past holiday weekend to see some sights on the eastern part of the state. She suggested we get an Airbnb, which I did, and we ended up staying in a very cozy cabin. We had a few drinks as we relaxed for the night and moved to the hot tub outside on the covered porch as the snow fell. Again, out of respect for her, I did not pursue anything sexual, but I did kiss her. She hungrily reciprocated and we ended up kissing (or making out) several times that night and the next day. My hand was on her leg as we drove back, as she kept her hand on my arm or shoulder. It was all very sweet and romantic in a sense. She would often touch me before I would touch her, even though it felt that I initiated most of the kissing.

We had left a few things in my car as we unloaded on Monday night, so after a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, I offered to drop her things off at home for her. (We still work from home due to Covid-19.) She said that would be great, so I stopped by after my lunchtime appointment. She was having a quite bad day, so we talked for a bit before I moved to leave. I gave her a warm embrace and then kissed her; however, while she did initially kiss me back, she pulled away and turned her head. I mumbled and apology and said something to the effect that, “We don’t have to kiss if you don’t want to.” To which she replied, “I don’t know what I want.” And with that I left and waited to see if she’d call/text.

She went on to text this later Wednesday night:

“You’re not the reason I’m in such a piss poor mood. I’m sorry if that affected you / if you got any of it. I really didn’t want to have you get any misplaced frustration or sadness or whatever it is I’m feeling. Whatever it is it’s all over the map and hard to nail down, but whatever it is, it’s not for you. I do know that. And thank you for being understanding.”

I just don’t know, Anita… I understand that she may not be emotionally ready for a relationship since she divorced last January. She did say that the first time we went out was the first time she’d gone out on a date since her divorce, and I do not believe she is dating anyone. And while she works a professional job with me during the day, she also works as a server on Friday and Saturday nights, so she does not really have time to date (at least that’s what she claims). I will usually stop there at the restaurant on Saturday nights to see her and to grab a beer and some dinner. There’s an obvious connection and chemistry between us but I know that our working together—eventually within the same office walls—causes her some worry. Perhaps the weekend away in the cabin allowed her to forget about life for a moment and she could relax and enjoy her time with me? She did say in the hot tub that she would not allow herself to have sex with me, as sex causes her to form an intense emotional connection and she isn’t ready for that. I replied that I didn’t intend to have sex with her, as our this was only the second time we’ve kissed. I just find the friendship/relationship more stressful now, as there is such a strong connection, but she appears fearful of it or wishes to remain unencumbered by a relationship.

I am still working to find another job and likely move away from here. While I do not do my nightly walks as much anymore due to the frigid weather, I do try to visit the gym a few times per week. I certainly need to work on the mindfulness exercises you had recommended, as the job and this solitary life here certainly feeds my anxiety. I just didn’t want this relationship with her to feed into it as well, but it feels like it is. Part of me wants to see where it goes, or if it grows deeper, but another part of me wants to walk away and try to remain just coworkers. After this past weekend, and her response on Wednesday, I just don’t know where I stand, since she clearly does not either.

Dear Anita,

Again, that you for making and taking the time to reply. Just having the ability to write out these thoughts and get some real feedback is truly beneficial. Thank you for allowing me space to vent and for always giving such excellent counsel.

First, I want to explain a bit of my “detailed attention to who initiated what and who touched whom where and when.” The intention with the detail was that it did not appear as though I was the one who initiated every physical interaction. While I initially kissed her on our first date, and the kiss in the cabin’s hot tub a week ago, I didn’t’ want it to read as though I was the aggressor in our physical contact. Aggressor may not be the right term but a better one escapes me. I felt it important that you or the other readers knew that she would often touch my leg or arm before I touched her, so it did not read so myopic.

Also, I suppose that I wanted to paint a realistic—versus romanticized picture of her. Her ex being a meth addict. Her battle with anorexia, alcohol, and vaping. I did not intend to add any legitimacy to my thoughts of ending whatever type of relationship this was. When I saw her at work a year ago, with her beautiful eyes and smile, I did not think that I would see her again (if I did) until after we returned to the office—whenever that may be. It was storybook tale in a way of her transfer to my office and not knowing it was the girl I saw from a distance all those months before in the office. Obviously, we all have our flaws and vices, so I didn’t want to paint her as a Disney princess by leaving out part of what makes her who she is. I think she is beautiful, intelligent, empathic, passionate, introspective, outdoorsy, and so many other positive qualities. But I am sure there is a darkness or secrets that she may not ever reveal. That does not diminish my interest.

I agree with you that a large part of my anxiety is a fear of rejection. Not so much that she would stop spending time with me, but more so that she doesn’t know if she wants the relationship to grow deeper and possibly blossom into something greater. However, I am leaving out a very important detail…

When I relocated here to the Appalachian area of the United States last January, I was hoping for a better job opportunity. I knew that moving to a small town of about 30,000 people would be a significant change from the large city I lived near before. However, I hoped that the job would be a steppingstone and the area would grow on me. I worked to finish grad school and When the Covid pandemic hit in March, and we were all sent home to work, I spent a long year largely alone in my apartment. As I mentioned before, I worked on embracing my own company. Eventually I found a new counselor and returned to the gym again. The last few months of the year I truly felt like I made some progress. I made peace with the guilt and sadness I held for my ex (and I continue to stay in touch with her and her son on a weekly basis.) I also worked on applying for jobs outside of this area, which is diametrically opposed to what I worked on in counseling.

Part of my work with my counselor was to work on mitigating my expectations and accepting things as they are. We also worked on being less nomadic and to find a spot to call “home” rather than seeking contentment in a new location or relationship. Unfortunately, I am not heeding my counselor’s guidance—both in work and in this relationship.

This job is not at all what I thought it would be and I am quite unhappy and unfulfilled. I have applied for jobs both here in town within the agency in another office and in a few other cities around the country. I have had interviews with a few and had a second interview with one last week. And while I had an interview for a job here with this agency a few months ago, nothing became of it. So, a significant part of my stress is anticipating/expecting to get a job offer that takes me away from here. This could come in a few weeks or possibly later if the interviews do not go as well as I hope.

With these possibilities creates the conundrum if this relationship has a future, and if so will it materialize before a possible/probable job offer, or if not, am I offered a job and then walk away from something possibly grand? While I discussed having interviews outside of this agency here back when we first started hanging out in mid-November, I have not spoken of the interviews to her, which may be unfair to her. Yet, I don’t want to poison or hinder something that may be there if there is a chance I am leaving.

Obviously, this is something I would discuss with her if and when the time comes, but it just feels too early to do so. As she said last Wednesday, she does not yet know what she wants. There is a connection and attraction between the two that has been acted upon, but does she want more? Does she want to continue to peel away the layers and find a possible deeper connection? Yes, there is the fear of rejection, but I don’t foresee a complete rejection (especially if things never progress.) She does not strike me as a “friends with benefits” person, nor do I want that with her; however, I really do not want to spend our time together not really knowing if we’re just friends who hold each other and occasionally kiss. The undefined and uncertain, rather than a fear of rejection, feels like a greater weight on me.

Before I wrap up, something else came to mind. “Acceptance” also includes accepting of her life here. She grew up in this area. Has friends and family here. Has been divorced for a year—after 3-years of marriage—and has worked with a counselor and on her own to better herself. I need to respect and cherish that. I don’t NEED to hear from her every day. Though I often do. She has always made time to see me when I’ve asked, even though I limit my “asks” to once a week. She has never cancelled and always enjoys my company and I hers. She needs space and time to navigate uncharted waters and I need to allow that.

As she posted on her Facebook on Jan 1:

I’m so thankful for everything 2020 has brought me – new connections, loss, success, more compassion, more patience, isolation, independence, introspection, tenderness, and Much more. A chapter of growth closed, and I open my eyes to the light of a new bud of my life… me. I will carry with me every part of me I found in 2020 and will continue to water, heal myself, gently feed the next and new pieces of me. Don’t forget to feed and water yourself and remember gardening is messy and difficult work, but it’s also rewarding. Thank you to all the people who touched me-for the experiments, for the lessons, for the laughter, and for the tears.

I am enough. I am enough in all my forms. I am beautiful in my simplicity and educated through my mistakes. There is strength and courage in my tears and wisdom in my weakness. I come in many, ever-changing forms, all of which carry a part of me, all of which are worthy of love, respect, compassion, honor, and pride. I am just as tender, kind, and beautiful when the dishes are piled up, when I don’t even get dressed to go to the store, or when I can’t make myself get out to see friends. I am still intelligent, steady, and measured when I fall, when I am wrong, and when I feel the weight of 100 things at once paralyzing me. I am still accomplished, wise, and creative when I don’t make that deadline, haven’t written in weeks, or just want to drink wine and watch Netflix in bed. I am still a good mother when I don’t get that hike in and get my pup out to play. I am beautiful, kind, intelligent, thoughtful, empathetic, hardworking, humorous, and patient. I am enough. Always and forever.

“’Well said,’ replied Candide, ‘but we must cultivate our own garden.’” – Voltaire