Too busy focussing on my ex's wellbeing to focus on my own.

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This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 7 months ago by Lindsay.

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September 13, 2013 at 6:06 am #42175
Ke
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Back-story:A little over two months ago, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. We’ve lived together for about a year and had just moved into a new apartment together. He’d organised for us to make commitment rings for each other and seemed dead-set on marrying me. He’s just turned 21, whereas I’m 24. He’s still studying.

During the last year, life has been very difficult for the both of us. I have BPD and struggle often with my emotions. I can be very cold sometimes, and have terrible mood swings. I sometimes become totally unreasonable and expected him to be able to read his mind. We’ve had money issues, because his father passed away and could no longer pay his half of the rent.

He has always had a hard time expressing his emotions, and there have been many occasions when he’s lied to me to protect my feelings. He sometimes says he doesn’t want to say certain things to me out of fear of how I will react. He also said that when his father was in hospital, he was more concerned with his relationship with me than with his father.

About two weeks before he broke up with me, he wrote me a letter saying that he loved me passionately and that he had faith that we would overcome all difficulties. We’d been fighting more than usual before that, but things seemed to be coming right. Then he went to visit his mother a few hours away and ended up breaking up with me over the phone a few days later.

He came home two weeks later and said he would be moving out at the end of August. He’s still living with me and plans to move out on 1 November.

The situation: We still sleep in the same bed. We still act like a couple. He says that his reason for breaking up with me is because he feels like he was born to be single. He doesn’t like to be around people. He says that when he’s around people, he feels drained and only people who have virtually no personality feel safe for him to be around. When we were talking about him going to live with his mother for a while, he said that even she made him feel drained.

Despite all this, he still wants to be around me. He says he doesn’t whenever we talk about it, but it doesn’t stop him from telling me that he wants cuddles, or sitting on the couch with me while we watch movies. He says he knows that he supresses his emotions – but he says that because he has so much on his plate right now, he can’t afford to deal with them. He’s also said that he doesn’t want to be as emotional as I am (I do have a tendency to let my emotions control me)

Besides his situation, I’m also struggling with what I need to do with myself. I’m trying to learn how to be calm and at peace with myself – something I’ve always struggled with. But the one thing that always shatters that is the thought that he’s going to be leaving at the end of October.

People suggest that I distance myself from him now – but I don’t want to. I’ve thought about doing the No Contact thing when he leaves, because he’s going to be hours away. Mostly, I just want to be able to help him sort out whatever it is that’s been bugging him. I know that he was depressed for a long time. He has almost no motivation to do anything, though I know that he’s a passionate person. I know I should be worrying about myself – and I am trying to find balance in that. Helping myself and him at the same time.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to ask here. Nothing I suppose. Just wondering if someone has some advice for me.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Ke.
- This topic was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Ke.
September 13, 2013 at 8:37 am #42183

Matt
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Ke,

There does seem to be a lot going on, and it is natural and normal to feel confused about what to do with the unknown. You said you’ve been diagnosed as having BPD, was that clinical? Do you have a treatment regimen that you’re following? Do you make space to accommodate as best you can the tendencies of your mind and emotions?

Its plausible that your ex is responding to you as though he is being emotionally abused, and you are the abuser. Of course that’s not your intention, but with wild swings, being cold, expecting him read your mind… that’s a lot to put on an intimacy. Have you been working with your doctor to develop coping mechanisms for your difficulties? It is one thing to accept you are afflicted with a certain tendency, and quite another to to just expect others to accommodate them. It leads to a lot of imbalance.

For instance, if we are a great cuddler but a not so great communicator, then the cuddling needs are met well in the intimacy but the communication needs are not. So we cuddle over and over, and don’t communicate as much. This works for awhile, but eventually the unsaid things on both sides interrupt the joy of cuddling… there just too much sitting between us in the mind for the closeness of bodies to be relaxing and warming. Lasting intimacy has to address all of the main needs the partners have.

Another thing that I wondered about is the way perhaps you’re placing responsibility for certain difficulties in the relationship on his shoulders unfairly. If, for instance, you blow up at him when he tells you a difficult truth, and never give his heart space to express and be real, then of course he is going to lie to you. Not only have you shown him it is not safe to be himself, but that being himself is toxic. He sounds like he has a lot of empathy, which makes outbursts especially painful. This would only be compounded by the fact that he is grieving his father, and feels additional guilt and sorrow for being preoccupied by the relationship during his father’s passing.

That being said, there is, of course, a delicate and gentle heart within you that is looking for your path toward joy. Considering the difficulties you’ve mentioned (and the past you’re carrying around, that you can talk about if you wish/when you’re ready) it is not surprising that some things are more difficult. You’ve had to fight to be heard, seen, felt, and so you sing loud and strong. This is vibrant and beautiful when the emotions are stable and you sing from the heart. Of course, when you’re a little wound or have a wound, that vibrancy is painful and unsettling to you and others. This can be very isolating, and often produce waves of loneliness. If you have those, I am very sorry, because I know how painful they can be… my heart goes out to you.

To help with the stability of mind and emotion, consider doing some metta meditation. There are a couple different kinds out there, and my guess is your cycles will be more affected by ones that involve repetition of words such as the following. It helps thoughts dig deep into the subconscious and helps calm the outbursts, letting the mind be more gentle and smooth.

With warmth,
Matt

September 13, 2013 at 5:12 pm #42206

Lindsay
Participant

This must be very confusing for you. He’s telling you one thing but acting out another. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that when someone tells you who they are, believe them. He’s told you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that he’s moving out. You need to believe that, until a time comes when you both sit down and reestablish a healthy relationship. He’s getting the perks of the relationship: emotional support, physical affection, companionship, not to mention the huge ego boost of being loved by someone. In my opinion, you need to stop sleeping in the same bed. You need to stop cuddling. You need to stop being his primary support system. If he wants to break up, then he needs to get used to that. And in the meantime, it is REALLY unfair to you to keep giving him all of this because it’s confusing and gives you false hope.

Now, if something changes AFTER you withdraw the perks of the relationship (not to punish him, but to establish healthy boundaries for yourself), and he decides he wants to stay together, you two really need to sit down and discuss these issues. He can’t just say that he isn’t good at discussing his emotions. Most of us aren’t, so that’s a cop-out.
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