Hi Heartbrokengirl,

Can you share a little more about the fight you had? How did it come about? Do you both fight often? Do you think that the fighting is starting to drain him emotionally? To where he is withdrawing? How long have you been together?

You said he had some “inner struggles” he is dealing with. How is he coping? Can you share a little more about the struggles, and how it might be affecting the relationship?

Hi Heartbrokengirl,

I would not break up just because someone gets overwhemed and stressed and withdraws. Many people do this, as it is their coping mechanism. I too get overwhelmed easily, but it is because I have ADHD, and people know it’s best to leave me alone, as it soon passes. He may have this, or may not want to”bother you” with problems. Men are taught not to show emotions and to be strong. If he is doing everything else great in the relationship, I would not let him go. He may not know how to communicate difficult feelings and does not mean to push you away. x

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

I cleaned your speech of the access letters and digits:

“I have missed you so much. I’ve been very upset, lonely, sad, angry, and I’ve been worried about you too.  I’ve had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, but I want you to know that I’ve realized how crazy I am about you, and how much I love you. I really want to fight for you and us, and I’ve never wanted to fight so badly for something. I feel like there might be more going on with you than you’ve told me or expressed, but I don’t think whatever it is, is worth losing us over.  I don’t want you to have to go through this alone, and I really want to be by your side, even if you don’t think have much to offer me at the moment, because when you do, you’re amazing. I know life is hard, and you might not be in the best place right now,  but you’re worth every second of seeing this through, and going through this with you. You told me once to make you work for me, and that I’m worth it.  Well that’s exactly how I feel about you and I will work for you.  I know you’re scared, and I know part of your hesitation are walls that you have up, but it’s me, you know me, you can trust me, and I’m here with you to figure things out.
I believe that true love is something you need to fight for and every relationship takes work, and think we have true love between us. I need you to be willing to fight for me too because I deserve to fight for a love that is reciprocated back to me”.

My input: I think your emotions are so very precious and I wouldn’t change anything in your honest expressions of your emotions for him other than the verb to fight. The verb “fight”is in the title of your thread. I think this verb may scare an anxious person like him. Anxious people are scared of fights, even when in context of fighting for them and not against them.

The best attitude to extend to a very anxious person is one of calm, not of distress which is involved in fighting (for or against). So I would eliminate your offers to fight for him, and for the relationship, as well as your expressed need that he fights for you too.

One more thing: gather more information about the nature of his anxiety, specifically, you can ask him what is the benefit, for him, in breaking up with you, what builds up in him leading to him (repeatedly) breaking up with you, and what is it that leads him to continue contact with you nonetheless. Ask him questions, gently, so to get much needed information. It may be helpful for him to express himself honestly, to know you heard him and understand him.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

You are making a very good point: “what he’s doing isn’t rally fair to me”, so this point needs to be considered.

“Don’t want to give up on us” reads better to me. I would add to it a question, to him: would you prefer that I do give up on us?

You are desperate, you wrote but you don’t want to come across as desperate- that is a tough one to achieve convincingly, over a longer period of time. I would say better not try to achieve what is unlikely to be successful. Instead, what I would do, if  was you, with your desperation and so forth (and I do know how it is to feel desperate, having been that myself), would be to tell him something like: I feel desperate to not lose you but I know that somehow I will survive it if it happens.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

I don’t think you can put the idea that you are desperate into his head. He probably already sensed it. He probably already knows, and so, when you tell him, it will not be telling him a secret. Here is what can surprise him and make him feel better:

If you tell him that you are desperate, but not in an embarrassed way, not in a way that shows you are ashamed that you are, but in a confident way, that will … well, it would impress me if I was him. Wow, he may say to himself, she is strong… I wonder if I can tell her that I am anxious in that way, not being ashamed that I am.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

Maybe he is desperate too, maybe he is conflicted, on one hand wanting to break up and on the other, not wanting to break up. You wrote that “Maybe he’s uncertain too of what I’m thinking”-

this is why it is so important to have an honest conversation, to ask clearly, directly and answer, clearly, directly, so that each one of you knows what the other is thinking, not having to guess and speculate and try to manipulate the other’s thoughts (as in: I will say this so that he will be thinking that).

anita