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AA (Forgiving myself and moving forward)

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  • #372619
    AA
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So I had a normal childhood, I had parents that loved me and raised me right. I was raised and taught to be a man with good morals & ethics. I was also raised in a religious household so I was always god conscious and had discipline over things I did. So before age 10 I don’t really remember a time when I ever faced any issues or bad times , most of the things I remember were all good memories. When I was around 12, I moved to another very new city, where I was introduced to new friends in school and I heard a about pornography sites.  I feel after seeing these indecent images etc. paired with my intrusive thoughts and OCD is where this weird thing I did came from. I feel it was totally out of character for me and I actually was in shock for a long time that it did happen. However , like I said talking about it to my friend/parents did help. I just don’t want them to ever see me in a different light. I feel if I wasn’t a good human being and a good man I would never have spoken about it.
    thank you for your time.

    #372635
    anita
    Participant

    Dear AA:

    I am glad you started your own thread. I am not focused at this time, therefore I will need to get  back to your thread tomorrow morning, in about 16 hours from now.

    I was wondering, maybe you can add a second post before I return: you shared that you were raised and taught to be “a man with good morals & ethics.. in a religious household, and suggested that you believe that you are indeed “a good human being and a good man”-

    – to understand better I ask: what were the moral, ethics and other religious teaching that you were taught by your parents regarding what it means to be a good human being, and good man?

    anita

     

    #372642
    AA
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi again Anita,</p>
    yes, that’s not a problem. I was taught to always respect people, help out anyone if I saw that I had the ability to do so, to always look after and help out my family etc. From a religious perspective it was more so to be a kind person, to be disciplined in avoiding certain things, to always look at the positive side of life and to never be hopeless as any situation can be overcome. For me, the reason I said I feel like I am a good human being and a good man is because I have helped people in the past that have needed it (I’m not looking for any credit for this) , I always advise my friends and uplift others when they need me to do so. I’ve learnt to be more forgiving of others as no one is perfect etc. However I do understand no matter who we are we will and can always appear to be the opposite to some people.

    Thank you.

    #372643
    AA
    Participant

    in regards to being a good man , it’s more or less the same. Being responsible and caring towards family, towards friends, focusing on your goals and achieving them. To basically be disciplined and patient in a life that can be testing at times.

    Thank you.

    #372680
    anita
    Participant

    Dear AA:

    You (25) shared that you had a normal childhood, raised by religious, god conscious parents who loved you and raised you right, teaching you “to be a man with good morals & ethics… to always respect people, help out anyone.. to always look after and help out my family… to be a kind person, to be disciplined in avoiding certain things… to basically be disciplined and patient in a life that can be testing at times”, to have “discipline over things I did”.

    At around 12, at about the time you started suffering from OCD, your family moved to “another very new city” where you met new friends in school who introduced you to pornography sites.

    You wrote about your current struggle on the other thread: “sometimes I can’t function.. I just keep thinking my parents might see me differently or that my friend might tell someone… and it just haunts me to the point I can’t eat or sometimes sleep… can you suggest anything please”?

    My understanding is that as a young child, as it is in the case for all young children, your quest and greatest motivation was to be a good boy, so to receive and maintain your parents’ approval. You largely succeeded in receiving their approval. Problem is that a significant part of you feels that the person who received your parents’ approval is not really you, but a fraud (“feel like I was a fraud”).

    And so, you are afraid to  be found out: “I just keep thinking my parents might see me differently”- see you as the fraud part of you believes that you are,

    “or that my friend might tell someone.”- afraid that he will tell someone that you are a fraud,

    “it just haunts me to the point I can’t eat or sometimes sleep… I just don’t want them to ever see me in a different light”- the fear to be found out.. you don’t want your parents and  other people to see you as a fraud.

    Sometime during your childhood, possibly around the time you were exposed to pornography, maybe earlier, there was a disconnect between you and your parents: what they expressed to you as the ideal of a good boy was significantly different from what you knew about yourself. For example (and it is only an example of a possibility)- it may have been something like this: they told you that they are proud of you because, unlike other preteen boys, you were invested in your studies and never thought about girls. You enjoyed the compliment, and of course you wanted your parents to think well of you, so you didn’t correct them, you didn’t tell them that you did think about girls. You kept it a secret, not wanting the true you to be found out.

    You asked me to suggest something to help you to achieve peace of mind. I imagine that my post so far is quite distressing to you, isn’t it? Unfortunately, it often takes more distress before we can finally experience that longed-for peace of mind. If you reply further, we can continue.

    anita

     

    #372686
    AA
    Participant

    Yes , somewhat distressing but like you said without distress sometimes peace can not be found. But overall, everything you have said until now has made complete sense. One thing I would say though is that even if people did find out, (other than the people I have told), I don’t think would feel like a fraud because I know deep down it was a mistake (a unpleasant one) , yet never the less a mistake. And at the time, I was a stupid kid. But I have full confidence that my friend will never tell anyone (btw we do not have mutual friends) but we have been friends for quite some time now.

    thank you , I appreciate you taking the time to help me out immensely.

    #372692
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, AA. I wish you well!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 20 hours ago by anita.
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