Dear Turtle:

Reads to  me that you got scared and then angry at him, and then aggressive, picking fights with him, repeatedly: “I told him I was scared of getting hurt… my own fear and insecurities would take over and I would pick fights with him… the whole time I was worried he  was  going to leave me”. Then you moved houses and started a new job and got more fearful, so you “started fighting”, again.

But the  whole time with him he didn’t give you a reason to be scared of him. Problem is your aggression scared him, so… you gave him a reason to  fear you.

It is  oh, so very common that fear turns to  anger, it happens in nature, other animals. They get scared of danger then get angry so to fight the danger. So you saw danger in him that wasn’t  really  there and you got angry. And then you fought.

I suppose you felt scared and weak, that is how you felt. But when he saw you angry and fighting, he didn’t see scared-and-weak, he saw angry and strong. Think of  his perspective.

What do you think/ feel?

anita

Dear Turtle:

You are welcome. When I read your original post  for the first time, yesterday, I was immediately curious about this sentence that  you wrote there: “He is often anxious and insecure so I didn’t want him asking me  to be his girlfriend out of insecurity”. In your most recent  post you wrote: “He  did have a  lot of insecurities and it did make me wonder if  he was looking for the next best  thing while constantly he was craving  attention”-

I don’t understand the concern there, and I think it  may help you to explore this with me a bit. Reads to me that you consider his anxiety (this is what  you mean by the word insecurity, correct?) as a character fault  of sorts, you thought of him as less-than, for being  anxious and for craving  attention, as if he  was  not capable  of loving you?

And if so, you are anxious as well, is that what  you meant  by “I just didn’t  think I was relationship material”, for  being anxious?

anita

Dear  Turtle:

So you thought he asked you to be his girlfriend so to prevent you from meeting other guys while he was away… and that, if I understand correctly, that he is not  so selective, and when there is  trouble with one woman, he looks for the “next best thing”, that is another woman so that he will not be alone, doesn’t really matter who the woman is?

If this is what you meant, it  is very  possible. This is why communication in a beginning (and all through) a relationship is so important,  to aim and develop an honest and open communication. This way the two people get to know each other better. And  each person gets to know oneself better. It is a discovery of sorts, and things don’t stay the  same over time of such ongoing  communication. It makes relationships special and  it becomes very  personal, making the  “next best thing” here-and-now, getting to know ourselves and others better, not looking for distractions elsewhere.

anita