August 6, 2018 at 10:59 pm #220553
Four years ago I told a lie at an audition about a previous job I never had, basically I said I had a cooler position than I really did, it was stupid, for a couple of reasons I know, but I was not only nervous about the audition but feeling completely alone due to being brand new to the state and college and so a little desperate to make friends.
My problem is that I became friends with some of my cast mates and I’ve never cleared this lie up. I'd always intended to but the time never felt right and I was scared and now somehow years and years have gone by. It doesn’t help either that it really doesn't ever come up in conversation anymore so sometimes its so easy to forget about it for awhile but the truth of the matter is that I know I’m a terrible person for lying and letting it go on this long and the guilt is eating me up.
The only problem is that its been so long that I don’t know how to go about it. I'm scared of loosing my friends, I'm scared of disappointing them and I'm embarrassed by myself cause I don't consider myself a dishonest person but I guess maybe I really am.August 6, 2018 at 11:09 pm #220559
The situation in which you told the lie was from a position of insecurity for you.
If it is something that doesn't come up in conversation and you are able to easily forget about it, it doesn't seem that significant. However the fact that you keep thinking about it is a source of suffering for you where the guilt is eating you up.
If your friends are true and you feel that they will understand that your reasons behind lying were not of any malicious nature then maybe you can venture in to telling them about it.
How are you currently dealing with your initial difficulties of feeling completely alone and nervousness?August 6, 2018 at 11:35 pm #220561
Things are better and I've gotten a bit more confident than how I was due to excelling at school and work and trying to just be the person I want to be. I've also become more involved in community volunteer opportunities which is really giving me a sense of purpose and making me think maybe I went into the wrong major lol.
That being said there are still really bad days when the depression, I've had it since I was 13, flairs up. I also do still struggle sometimes with the fact that I'll always be the one who arrived late in my friend's life which is silly thing to worry over I know. For that I'm thinking of maybe starting therapy? I've never been before but I think I'd like to start and its offered for very cheap at my college.August 7, 2018 at 12:10 am #220563
Good to read about the increase in your confidence level and your involvement in volunteer opportunities.
Therapy seems like a good option as it will help you in resolving the underlying issues behind your depression which are often deep seated and have a nasty habit of recurring in different circumstances.
What are the other things that give you a sense of purpose? From your first post it looks like you value honesty and friendships.
Hope you are able to completely resolve both current and past issues.
Take care.August 8, 2018 at 9:10 am #220713
Will you share about the depression you had since you were 13? It might be very relevant to the topic of your thread.
anitaAugust 8, 2018 at 3:13 pm #220739
I started cutting when I was 13, things had been going bad with my friend group in middle school and we were constantly at each other's throats and putting each other down. I would cut my thighs instead of my wrists because it was less noticeable, I did stop eventually once entering high school. The thought was always there in the back of my mind however when I started to feel down.
I went through another brief period of self harm when I had a falling out with a roommate due to some boyfriend and boundary communications troubles on both of our ends, I should have put my foot down when she wanted her boyfriend to live with us rent free but I didn't and the resentment built up. This time it was with edges that were sharp enough to scrape and raise the skin but not slice it and once again on the legs. Eventually this stopped when I went to work for Disney. I haven't cut since then and its been five years but like before the idea of self harm sits in the back of my mind. I've been thinking about it more lately because lately my mind has also been drudging up past regrets and mistakes and reminding me that I'm not where I wanted to be in life at this age which is causing my anxiety and depression to flare like crazy. I've taken to rubbing my hair tie against my wrist in times like this and it seems to help.August 8, 2018 at 7:58 pm #220751
Your impulse for self harm seems to be a response to situations and to an underlying anxiety and depression. Getting to the roots of it with the help of a good therapist seems to be the way forward. With your issues starting at a young age, the feelings that you have probably have its origins from your experiences in early childhood.
In your original post, you mentioned about a fear of losing friends, a fear of disappointing them and embarrassing yourself. You also mentioned about the thoughts of always being the one arriving late in a friends' life. Understanding the basis of these fears is likely to show you the way towards a complete resolution.
Things are better and I've gotten a bit more confident than how I was due to excelling at school and work and trying to just be the person I want to be
Regrets and mistakes are opportunities where you can learn from so that you can increase your confidence and be more of the person that you want to be.
Take careAugust 9, 2018 at 7:06 am #220849
A bit of a summary of what you shared: when you were 13, while you were in middle school, you started cutting yourself, stopped once entering high school, then again when living with a roommate whose boyfriend lived there rent free. You didn't cut yourself in the last five years, “but like before the idea of self harm sits in the back of my mind”.
You've been thinking about self harm more lately because of past mistakes and not being “where I wanted to be in live at this age”. One of those past mistakes is you telling a lie during an audition four years ago. You want to tell your friends that you lied but so much time has passed and you are afraid to lose them, to disappoint them.
My understanding: long before you were 13 life at home led you to believe that you are a terrible person (“I know I'm a terrible person”). There is intense emotional pain in believing such a thing about oneself. When you experienced escalating distress in middle school, you started cutting. The cutting creates “real pain”, a physical pain, undeniable. When that happens, the emotional pain becomes real, not hidden anymore, not vague. There is a relief when pain becomes visible, coming up from underneath the surface where it is vague, t the surface, where it is concrete. The relief is temporary at best, and then more pain is added knowing you are doing something.. weird, or unacceptable.
During times of escalating distress, you seek that relief.
The way to move forward, I believe, is in the following:
1. Continue to abstain from cutting and congratulations for your five years abstinence. This part is about not practicing a temporary relief that adds to your pain.
2. The pain needs to come up from underneath the surface, from where it is vague, to the surface, becoming clear, concrete. This will involve not one act hat takes a minute or less, but an ongoing process that will take months.
You can tell your friends about the lie of four years ago, but it will not do what #2 will. Nothing will except for what I suggested.
Psychotherapy with a capable, empathetic, honest therapist is a place to do what I suggested. If you , if you want, if you feel comfortable doing so you can share more about that pain, bring it up to the surface, exposing the pain here, using words. If you do, I will attentively read and my reply to you will be empathetic and gentle.