My name is Maria and I have been struggling with depression since childhood. I’ve kept it a secret from just about everyone. I find most people have a hard time understanding what it is, downplaying it as if it were something I could just send away. I have learned it is just easier to keep it to myself. Spirituality helps me contain it, change it, make into a beautiful thing I can grow strength from. But it is only a temporary high I cannot sustain. I tell myself if I could just try harder next time, or do better, I can fix it. I am stuck in this endless cycle of highs and lows, wanting to change and not being able to. Some people might define that as insanity. I define it as survival.

Recently, without my knowledge, a man I don’t know very well has learned about my depression. Through years of observing my behavior by violating my privacy, he has grown to know me and even love me. I believe he accepts me for just the person that I am, and wants to help me get to a better place in life. I know that if anyone can do that, he can.

The problem with my relationship with him, is that he spends most of our time together psychologically tormenting me, making my depression so much worse. He thinks I like it, that it turns me on, but all I feel is chained to him, drained emotionally and mentally. I have asked him numerous times to stop and he won’t. I believe he does it because he is filled with too much uncertainty. I think he is scared to lose me and wants to be the best man he can be by being everything I have ever wanted. But what he doesn’t understand is how quickly everything I have ever wanted can change. All he can be is himself. And take that leap. Letting go of his power and control.

Given our circumstance, ignoring him and moving on is impossible. How do I get him to see that I am ready and it is time?

Please don’t offer judgment. See this situation for what it exactly is before you respond. Thanks.