Thank you for answering my questions and concerns anita.

I have been going out for walks to think and wanted to share some of my thoughts with you 🙂

1) Although I could use better teammates, i wanted to find areas to take responsibility for. I have realized that as i work on the task given to me, if it feels like a lot of work i tap out. That is something i could work on – to match my effort with my expectations.

2) i blame my seniors for not planning our projects out properly and then in the end questioning me as to why it took so “long”. While i would love for them to improve their planning skills, I think I could work harder too. I expect to be treated like some of my peers which means i should be willing to work like them.

3) I have figured out what my mother has taught me – to not try to change your situation  as you may lose what you already have. She was afraid of losing financial support so she never left my father and also afraid of losing reputation – i am the same, i was afraid all this time that it if i leave the team i may lose what little good i get out of it, and things may be worse outside.

4) I am afraid to be honest. I would rather pretend to know everything than expose my flaws. Even at work when i was being asked to work on never heard before things, the lead was non existent in making decisions and guiding and instead of telling the truth i told my manager i had too much ony plate and he eventually halted the project. I was afraid to show them that i did not understand the technology. I feel looked down upon for backing out of it, and hold myself guilty for dissappointing them. I now realize that this was pretty much not my fault besides the communication.

5) Every time someone is praised for their skills i want to have those, that is probably why i feel drained out, because it gives me a huge list of things i don’t know and is overwhelming. I took some time to go over the things that i have done for the team/company and it is actually amazing that i did all that, coming from 0 experience and low self esteem. I need to take more credit for getting this far.

I will break things down. Also, i will set intentions at the beginning of every day on what I want to accomplish, so when i feel like giving up I remember that. I think this is the main issue. I read my older posts and it has been exactly a year and I realized that i made no progress in that time, because I lose hope very quickly.

And also another thing I really need your advice on – i zone out and go into all the things that could go wrong. I was just thinking about how to move. I opened linkedin and found i could apply to jobs in Singapore – that is not the west – but it is still exciting to think i could go there – however i immediately went into how the visa could get rejected because of bad documents – i could go yell at my parents ( i will not do that, my sister already has) for being so careless in doing something so simple as keeping consistent names on all the documents, and how changing them is a seriously complicated process. The fear is legitimate and based on real possibilities – but i hate going through this, happens even when i am about to take on something new and/or big at work.  I feel i should not fail so i go over everything that could go wrong.

In fact, tomorrow, i have to lead something at work – it is a little absurd that i have to (as a junior) but it is my task so i have to do it and also think it could help me push through (this is another realization) the belief that i cannot do anything alone and other people should be trusted to ensure nothing goes wrong. But for the last two days i have been dreaming only about this – and it feels like the movie inception!

I guess death is the worst, in fact sometimes, i wonder why we want to achieve anything at all, why success matters or making a mark on the world as so many of the youtube videos i watch say.

I have always been honest with my mother. But she does not like my weaknesses – i feel so ridiculed when her advice has always been a version of “don’t be like that” . Being paralyzed by fear and being overwhelmed by stress has been a pattern for a really long time – i think it comes from believing that if i am not everything i could be to ensure people are not displeased with me, i could lose my job – i think it is a belief of mine that the world cannot accept my weaknesses – so i hide them to survive. And to an extent i have seen proof of this, at work one failure and all the good work gets discounted. That is why i am afraid of failure – i could lose what i have.

Also, this post may already be long but how do i know which of my beliefs are correct? When i have seen proof that failure clearly is bad and thereby lead to my beliefs about failure, how do i overcome the fear? How do you know which fears to overcome and which are genuine danger signals?

I was actually in my teens when the stress began. I do not have many memories from when i was younger. But, as I think back on it I really want to seem strong to her. I in fact did not like it when she said my sister has a cool head and knows how to solve problems. I want to be seen as a person that can solve problems – in this case, it is not about her perception but proof to me that i can indeed solve problems. I am not sure if it’s just my mom’s approval though. In my older post I mentioned i wanted to do well to ensure my manager would see me as a competent developer. I think i need to prove anything i want to believe about myself to others first. It may not be a bad thing because i may get delusional and end up having grandiose beliefs about myself but i am not sure where the line should be drawn in terms of taking other people’s judgement of me.

I do the exact same thing, anita! Both imagining to be famous and also changing the world. In fact after seeing the secret life of walter mitty – i think i may have what is called maladaptive day dreaming. I am not saying you have that, please don’t misunderstand. I am sorry if it sounds like i am diagnosing you with something. Only what i do seems like that.

I am actually very embarassed about it. Like, the only exciting thing in my life has been to day dream. I hate that i have low self esteem. I never had a choice!

It bothers me a lot that I have to fix my life that i never broke in the first place. I know that i should be grateful that i am here thanks to my parents but i just am not. They had a child – i don’t even care anymore about what societal pressure they had to go through – and they decided that was enough. I feel like I have been raised more like a farm animal than a human. How is it even possible that as an adult neither of them could put their child’s needs first? And on top of that they got to control how i think about myself and the world. Is it weird that i feel abused? They did actually send me to school and i have a job because of that – but who have i become? i am thinking love may be fiction or a myth. Is it really possible, that my mother did not feel anything when i was born? If she did not feel love then – my own mother – what is the point? I am not sure what our relationship really is.

Thanks, anita. I will do what you did ” I am special but not that special” and will have to learn patience. I will have to take responsibility for myself and my happiness now and it feels lonely. I was always lonely but now it has somehow become more severe because I will now have to give up on the idea of what a family is that i have held on to for so long.

Thank you for the support, Phil. It makes sense to not focus on myself for a bit and try to do good. It may sound like an excuse but I am uncomfortable being part of activities. It is weird – i don’t have the guts to go out alone and do something but at the same time with organizations and volunteer groups I feel really out of place. I will make it my goal to volunteer atleast once in the next two-three months. It is just that I have trouble being around enthusiastic people that know what they are doing and feel out of place. I am a little selfish.