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Advice needed- feelings for friend who has girlfriend..

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #318513

    Anonymous

    <p class=”p1″>There is a guy I’ve known for around a year now- he runs a professional group that I joined. When we first met, I fancied him and thought there was chemistry and that he maybe liked me too, but I wasn’t sure. I’m also not good at expressing emotions and every time he asked me to go do things with him I’d say no and be kinda distant because I didn’t want to disappoint him if I spent more time with him (I’ve never had a serious relationship and am not great with these things!). Around the time we met, it was a running joke in the group that he loves going on dates and he’s a very extroverted person, so I knew he was dating people, but he never explicitly asked me out. A few months later I was kind of seeing a different friend, and I pretended to the original guy that it was more serious than it was so it would seem like I had options and wasn’t just crushing over him. Around this time, he started getting more serious with one of the girls he was dating. Fast forward to now, they are still together, he has met her parents, they are relatively serious. However, whenever we go out together and he gets drunk, he flirts with me (being touchy feely, lots of eye contact, etc) if his girlfriend isn’t there. Recently we went to a party just the two of us (we were meant to be meeting other friends but they didn’t show up) and his girlfriend didn’t come. We were both quite drunk and as usual he was being very flirty, he told me he fancied me when we first met, kept putting his arm around me, jokingly said he thought we’d be a good couple (I replied haha no). Everyone we met thought we were a couple. He also said he didn’t believe in relationships anymore and was hinting he was having issues with his girlfriend, but they are definitely still together. I would never actually do anything with him since he has a girlfriend, and I don’t want to hurt anyone, so I left the party early. But it is really hard not to flirt back with him when I’ve had feelings for him for nearly 1 year now. I don’t know what to do- should I leave the group and cut off all contact with him since he has a girlfriend? Should I say how I feel? Should I wait it out to see if they break up? It’s just really depressing for me to have to see him with his girlfriend, and hear him talk about her sometimes. I also think I would loose touch with our mutual friends if I decided not cut him out, which is sad. But I’m not sure I can carry on like this.</p>

    #318519

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sarah,

    Usually I believe in “all’s fair in love and war”.

    But this guy is a tool. Imagine a future where you reciprocate. You will either be the side piece or the girl who broke up their relationship. What he should do is confess to you without being drunk, gross and alone. THEN break up with his girlfriend. OR quietly let the girlfriend go THEN confess to you soberly, and respectfully.

    And let’s say his relationship doesn’t last. You go out with him. One day he’ll be creeping on some other poor girl behind your back.

    He’s not all that and a bag of chips. This I promise you.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by  Inky.
    #318523

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hello Sarah,

    You have some issues with your self esteem if you are turning down dates because you think that when a guy gets to know the real you, he’ll be disappointed.  He says he’s having relationship issues with his girlfriend.  This guy is part of this relationship and if he doesn’t believe in relationships any more, then he doesn’t believe in himself.

    If you get the chance, it’s quite in order for you to say that you don’t want him flirting with you while he’s still with his girlfriend.  Also, avoid him when he is drunk.  Getting drunk on a frequent basis is a sign that he is not handling his own issues very appropriately.

    There is no reason for you to leave the group unless you are feeling uncomfortable in this situation.  If it really does depress you, then leave the group.  You can leave him your number should he ever want to contact you.

    Best Wishes

    Peggy

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