Advice on accepting boyfriend's female best friend

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This topic has 17 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 35 minutes ago by Ada.

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July 17, 2025 at 1:10 am #447689

Tee
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Dear Ada,

one more thing:

Sam has said that perhaps there is a cultural difference at play here. He moved to the US when he was 10 years old from Europe (France, specifically), and he has suggested that European culture is more accepting of opposite-sex friendships, whereas American culture is suspicious of them. This stereotype seems to exist in my mind as well, but how true it is in reality I’m not sure.

I’m from Europe and I wouldn’t say European culture is more accepting of opposite-sex friendships, particularly if they involve a level of emotional intimacy that resembles a romantic relationship. If we talk about stereotypes, maybe someone from Southern Europe is more emotionally expressive than someone from Northern Europe, but very intimate opposite-sex friendships are not common at all.

One positive thing he said is this: I’ve never talked about our relationship to her.

If he’s not complaining about your relationship to her, or discussing intimate details of your relationship, that’s a good thing. Because that’s one of the main signs of emotional infidelity, i.e. emotional affair.

But still, even if he’s not discussing your relationship, being so emotionally attached to her to the point of discussing her sexual encounters with other men crosses the boundary of even good taste. There’s no reason for him to listen to those intimate details, even she wants to share it.

He would need to set a boundary at least on that, and if he isn’t willing, the question is why. Why he feels the need to engage in that type of sharing, and then to claim there is nothing wrong about it.

July 17, 2025 at 8:58 am #447706

anita
Participant

Dear Ada:

You wrote, “Sam, on the other hand, is much more keen on keeping in close contact with his friends. He has two male friends that he constantly messages on a daily basis… He moved to the US when he was 10 years old from Europe… They met in college… Soon out of college, he lived with Sarah and her roommates.”-

Reading that, I found myself wondering—what was life like for Sam in those early years? Moving countries at age 10, straddling cultures, possibly feeling othered… I imagine he might have felt quite alone. People who’ve known isolation early in life often carry a deep hunger—not just for connection, but for the kind that feels immersive, unconditional, and safe.

College, then, may have marked a turning point for him—a time when he finally felt chosen. And Sarah, present at that exact crossroads, might have come to symbolize emotional safety in a way that’s difficult to untangle, even now.

I say this not to diminish your pain, but to suggest that his closeness to Sarah may be about reliving and reclaiming the belonging he longed for in adolescence. I know that kind of hunger. I grew up lonely, and even decades later, I sometimes interact with others as if we’re all kids again—trying to create the friendships I never had. That hunger, capital-H Hunger, still lives in me. It’s a craving to feel chosen. To belong.

Even the moment you described—Sam accompanying Sarah during her abortion—while deeply painful for you, may have felt to him like an act of friendship at its most loyal, a way to be present for someone in pain—the way he might have wished someone had been present for him.

“HIM: My friendship with Sarah is important to me, but not as important as ours.”-

That line reminds me of a socially hungry teenager trying to balance loyalty and expansion—wanting to pour himself into a romantic connection, but struggling to cap the emotional outpouring elsewhere. The need to belong can be so expansive, it doesn’t always segment neatly.

Still—this doesn’t mean your boundaries aren’t valid. It only suggests Sam may be operating from a different emotional map.

What do you think, Ada?

With care, Anita 🤍

July 17, 2025 at 12:02 pm #447717

Ada
Participant

Tee and Anita:

I think each of your responses represent a different perspective in my mind that are both equally true. And I think this is exactly the internal conflict I feel so deeply. In my mind, Tee’s response represents my need to protect myself and my feelings, to defend my own boundaries. Anita’s represents my desire to change my feelings and move towards being more accepting of Sam.

Tee’s response gives my instincts and emotions a voice. I shouldn’t have to accept that Sam engages in behaviors with Sarah that reject my feelings. From my perspective, he is being selfish by letting his need for emotional validation, feeling useful and important in Sarah’s life cause me so much pain, and cause our relationship so much struggle. I can’t accept that he wants to be loyal to her at the cost of violating my boundaries. His need for attention from her feels like a rejection of the devotion I have for him, his emotional attachment to her feels like a detachment from me.

On the other hand, I think Anita represents Sam’s perspective insightfully and accurately. Sam did grow up lonely and not feeling like he belonged. There is a part of him that wants to seek out friendships like a child. What I view as blatant boundary violations he views as acts of an ideal friendship, a sense of connection that he didn’t have growing up. I believe too that an ideal friendship should be one where we can feel unconditionally accepted and safe. So if I don’t believe that he has romantic feelings for her, isn’t it my own selfishness that is preventing me from accepting him on this?

Sam reaches for emotional connection with other people and me in a way that I have not seen from other men I have dated. I’m conflicted on this, because his emotionality is one of the reasons I love Sam so deeply — besides this issue with Sarah, our relationship has been emotionally vulnerable, honest, and loving. At the same time, his constant seeking of attention, validation, and need for deep emotional connection with other people is also what pushes me away from him in this case.

The level of emotional intimacy Sam has with Sarah I would consider romantic. These are my boundaries. But I genuinely believe that Sam does not consider it romantic — he doesn’t feel romantic feelings for her. So if I believe this about Sam, does it even matter that I consider it romantic? Am I the one who is not able to honor his feelings due to my own selfishness? I have asked myself these questions in circles, only to be more confused and conflicted.

In our arguments Sam has asked me if I would feel the same outrage if his relationship with Sarah was the same, but she was a male friend instead. This is something I ask myself as well. And it’s complicated. I think I would feel the same violation of boundaries, but to a lesser extent. If he had a male friend who was frequently calling him crying about his problems, and if Sam used the same soft tone of voice to comfort this friend, I would still feel hurt. If he had a male friend who needed emotional support for some male equivalent of an abortion, I don’t think I’d have as much of an issue with this.

I have reflected deeply on this question of whether we’d have this conflict if Sarah was a close male friend instead. Do I have an unfair bias against Sarah here just because she’s a female? Is it actually jealousy that is driving my discomfort? In our heterosexual relationship where we both identify with our given gender roles, there is a certain level of intimacy with the opposite sex that I would consider romantic. There are experiences that I can naturally relate to with another female, but for this reason, it is also easier for me to judge another female’s actions. In Sarah’s case, if I am being honest with myself, I do make negative judgements about her from her flirtatiousness and promiscuity. I feel I have an understanding of her behavior from a female perspective that Sam does not have. I feel I know what it would mean for me to act that way, and it is in direct opposition to my values.

In my first post, I touched on this dichotomy. There are male acquaintances I have had that Sam has judged more harshly as well, for the same reasons. He feels he is naturally more qualified to make moral judgements for them, while he is more accepting of what externally appears to be the same actions from a female friend. For this reason, I do not believe Sam would be comfortable with me having the male equivalent of his friendship with Sarah. And there is a natural dichotomy here that I think contributes to the “romanticness” I attribute to intimacy in heterosexual relationships.

I apologize for a long and rambling response. To sum it up, I think that Sam and I, as Anita says, may just be operating from different “emotional maps”, but as both of you have said, my emotions are valid. I have tried my best to honestly articulate my thoughts here, but I understand if there are parts that are unclear or hard to follow. This thread has given my internal conflict a voice, and I’m deeply grateful for that. While I still have not reached a level of emotional clarity that I would like on this situation, the ability to express complex and tangled emotions here has been very cathartic for me. Thank you both for that.

Ada
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