Dear Ada,

one more thing:

Sam has said that perhaps there is a cultural difference at play here. He moved to the US when he was 10 years old from Europe (France, specifically), and he has suggested that European culture is more accepting of opposite-sex friendships, whereas American culture is suspicious of them. This stereotype seems to exist in my mind as well, but how true it is in reality I’m not sure.

I’m from Europe and I wouldn’t say European culture is more accepting of opposite-sex friendships, particularly if they involve a level of emotional intimacy that resembles a romantic relationship. If we talk about stereotypes, maybe someone from Southern Europe is more emotionally expressive than someone from Northern Europe, but very intimate opposite-sex friendships are not common at all.

One positive thing he said is this: I’ve never talked about our relationship to her.

If he’s not complaining about your relationship to her, or discussing intimate details of your relationship, that’s a good thing. Because that’s one of the main signs of emotional infidelity, i.e. emotional affair.

But still, even if he’s not discussing your relationship, being so emotionally attached to her to the point of discussing her sexual encounters with other men crosses the boundary of even good taste. There’s no reason for him to listen to those intimate details, even she wants to share it.

He would need to set a boundary at least on that, and if he isn’t willing, the question is why. Why he feels the need to engage in that type of sharing, and then to claim there is nothing wrong about it.

Hi Ada

Well, on the plus side he did talk to her less because it upset you. That is him trying to compromise.

I can understand why her talking to him about her sexual exploits is inappropriate. Personally, I would ask him to set a boundary about this. Some people do over share their sexual exploits as a way of flirting. It’s perfectly valid to ask him to shut that down.

I can understand why the abortion would make you feel uncomfortable too. That is a very private thing, reserved for the sexual partner or a close family member. Possibly a best friend.

I can say honestly that a lot of men don’t think of abortions in the same way that women do. They are quite cold about it in comparison. He simply doesn’t see it the same way as you. But it does raise concerns about how she sees him. Not to mention that she was initially attracted to him.

Do you feel like he spends more time talking to her about than to you? Do you worry more about her intentions than his? Perhaps not meeting her is part of the problem? The more you are shut out, the more inappropriate it seems.

Does he have any other female friends or just this one?

I wouldn’t worry too much about him supporting her emotionally as long as he is investing more time and effort into his relationship with you.

How does their relationship make you feel? Does it make you feel like your perspective and feelings don’t matter to him?

Have you ever had feelings of insecurity in a relationship before? Or have you been cheated on in the past?

It seems like part of the difficulty is that his friend has a lot of issues. From what you have said she allows herself to be used by men. This means that the deepest relationship she has is with your partner.

From what you have said about their similar backgrounds, he likely empathises with her pain.

It seems to me like your partner is stuck trying to defend his own perspective. It seems to me like he values this friendship, but he cares about you more.

It sounds like you just want to be respected. And there are questions about her motives, especially since you don’t know her.

It is a difficult and messy situation for you both to be in.

Dear Ada,

You’re welcome! I’m glad you were able to express your internal conflict and the dichotomy in understanding/accepting Sam’s actions. And that you see this internal conflict so clearly.

Perhaps the most important question you’re asking is this:

The level of emotional intimacy Sam has with Sarah I would consider romantic. These are my boundaries. But I genuinely believe that Sam does not consider it romantic — he doesn’t feel romantic feelings for her. So if I believe this about Sam, does it even matter that I consider it romantic? Am I the one who is not able to honor his feelings due to my own selfishness? I have asked myself these questions in circles, only to be more confused and conflicted.

So you’re asking: if he sees no harm in being emotionally intimate with Sarah, and he has a need to have that level of closeness, and he sees it as completely innocent – who am I to judge him? Who am I to require him to change his emotional sharing with Sarah? Am I not the selfish one in this story?

And my answer is: no, you’re not selfish. And the reason is that his emotional connection with Sarah is more like enmeshment. Enmeshment is not the same as love. It’s a distorted version of love and caring for someone.

What seems to be happening is that Sarah, as you said, is an emotionally wounded person with her own issues, which probably cause her to be promiscuous and engage in the kind of relationships with men that in the past have led to 2 unwanted pregnancies:

She’s flirtatious, promiscuous

She will call him crying about problems in her relationships, and he consoles her. She’s always having problems in her relationships as she’s emotionally damaged,

So what I believe is happening is that instead of working on herself and changing those unhealthy patterns, she is repeating those behaviors again and again, and then running to Sam for comfort and consolation. She uses him as her shoulder to cry on, her confidante and perhaps her therapist.

I don’t know if he’s ever suggested her to seek therapy (which is what she would need), but clearly, he’s not really helping her heal those patterns. He is kind of enabling her by listening to her “love troubles” and even her explicit descriptions of sex with other men. That’s neither therapeutic nor does it serve any helpful purpose. And as Alessa said, “Some people do over share their sexual exploits as a way of flirting.”

By allowing her to come to him with the same problems over and over again, he is actually enabling her, rather than giving her friendly support. Because a good friend would tell her to seek professional help.

Sam did grow up lonely and not feeling like he belonged. There is a part of him that wants to seek out friendships like a child. What I view as blatant boundary violations he views as acts of an ideal friendship, a sense of connection that he didn’t have growing up. I believe too that an ideal friendship should be one where we can feel unconditionally accepted and safe.

We can unconditionally accept someone as a person, but we can have issues with a particular behavior. If you ask me, listening to her sexual escapades is not a sign of friendly love and care, but I believe, of enabling and weak boundaries. Do you know if he feels comfortable hearing such things, or only listens out of politeness?

Sam reaches for emotional connection with other people and me in a way that I have not seen from other men I have dated. I’m conflicted on this, because his emotionality is one of the reasons I love Sam so deeply — besides this issue with Sarah, our relationship has been emotionally vulnerable, honest, and loving.

That’s good to hear. So he is someone who talks about his feelings openly, with you too. You don’t feel like he’s hiding something from you, or not expressing what he’s really feeling.

At the same time, his constant seeking of attention, validation, and need for deep emotional connection with other people is also what pushes me away from him in this case.

Okay, so you recognize that his need for having emotional intimacy with multiple other people – the kind of intimacy that is usually reserved for a romantic relationship – is probably fueled by an unmet emotional need. This could be his inner child seeking belonging, and achieving that by being enmeshed with others emotionally, and not being able to set appropriate boundaries.

But if so, still, it’s an unmet need, and would need to be healed, rather than accepted as his style, as him having a different “emotional map”. His map is different because he is missing something, and he would need to heal that in order to have truly healthy relationships. At least that’s how I see it.

So I still believe you’re not selfish for wanting him to set boundaries with Sarah, and in general, for wanting him to have a different level of intimacy with you than he has with his friends.

You said he had a similar kind of dysfunctional childhood as Sarah (“She’s experienced similar dysfunctional family dynamics in her upbringing and Sam bonded with her over that.”). Has he worked on his childhood issues in therapy? Is he open to that?

Dear Ada:

Reading through your posts, what strikes me again and again is your extraordinary clarity. You think with precision and feel with depth—and somehow manage to give voice to both. Your reflections aren’t just insightful; they’re emotionally generous. You’ve offered Sam understanding, nuance, empathy, and even space to be different from you. You’ve held two perspectives at once—not to dilute your truth, but to try to honor his.

That kind of emotional strength is rare. Your writing reflects someone who listens deeply, thinks critically, and still leads with care. It’s evident in your ability to question yourself without abandoning your dignity. In how you name your insecurities without using them to justify control. And in how you articulate complex emotional boundaries with such grace that even your doubts sound wise.

The truth is—Sam may be a good person, but from everything you’ve described, I don’t know that he’s equipped to truly see, respect, and emotionally match someone like you. That’s not a criticism of him—it’s a recognition of you. You deserve emotional reciprocity. You deserve to be loved in a way that doesn’t leave you reasoning in circles or shrinking your values to make room for someone else’s unresolved wounds.

And I hope you remember this, wherever the relationship leads: the way you’ve shown up in this thread—the fairness, thoughtfulness, courage, and emotional clarity—is already proof of your growth. The right relationship won’t ask you to compromise these strengths. It will recognize them. It will honor them.

With admiration and care, Anita 🤍

Hi Ada

Thanks for sharing! I just wanted to understand a bit more about where you were coming from. ❤️

It is his first relationship, so there is an element of naivety and inexperience at play for him.

I would be suspicious of her side of things too.

The truth is that whilst he compromised a bit with the not contacting her as much. He does still need to work on compromising further with the sexual details at least. Relationships are about compromise and respecting each others boundaries. It is not just about what he thinks is acceptable. Ignoring your feelings and boundaries about this is disrespectful to you and the nature of your relationship.

Hmm I can understand the concern, but I don’t think it is necessarily true that he would have used her as a crutch to avoid relationships. Otherwise he never would have dated you. There are lots of reasons he might be shy about dating. He doesn’t have the same level of social and emotional intelligence that you do. He doesn’t really understand how relationships work with compromise for example.

I know that there are quite a lot of cultural differences despite sharing the same language. In the UK, it is difficult for men to share things with each other. Men tend to have female friends to talk about more emotional things with. It’s pretty common actually.

Since you were uncomfortable with the level of contact they used to have, it was emotional cheating. It would be the same in any country.

There is a level of compromise and respecting each other’s boundaries expected in a relationship. It is natural for a partner to want to feel prioritised and not feel like they are sharing their partner in a monogamous relationship.

It is difficult when you have dealt with your boundaries being ignored and a lack of respect in this relationship. It is a definite struggle.

He seems to genuinely not understand why he should be doing some of these things. I would chalk it up to being new to relationships and being a bit socially inept.

That is a pretty harsh label for him to suggest that your relationship with him is codependent. Why would he suggest that?

I imagine he is afraid of losing his friend. Would you be okay with him keeping his friend if he respected your boundary of no sexual details?

Do you feel like you could get past the difficulties once they are fully in the past?

Outside of this issue, how is your relationship with him?