Afraid fiancé and I aren’t compatible in bed

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 2 weeks ago.

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    I (30f) have been with my fiancé (33m) for 3 years now. He’s an amazing man. He’s financially responsible, kind-hearted, he loves to try new things, and he accepts and loves me just the way I am.

    The only thing I would change about him is his attitude and actions toward sex. Our sexual relationship started out like most do- new and fun. But over a few years I think I’ve realized that he doesn’t really “get pleasure” in making sure I’m satisfied. We’ve had many talks about this over the past several months and it’s still be difficult.

    For example, I’m currently averaging one orgasm a year with him and he doesn’t seem concerned. When it happened for the first time with him I felt so happy. Tonight I asked him if he remembered the first time it happened (because at the time I told him it had happened and I was excited) and he honestly couldn’t even remember. He didn’t know where we were, what month it occurred, nothing.

    Also, tonight he started initiating sex and I asked in a flirty way “What do you want?” and he matter-of-factly said “For you to get me off.” I was honestly turned off by this answer because I feel like that’s ALL that I do!! If he had said “I want to get you off,” I would’ve been ecstatic.

    He has tried to make some changes here and there- which is great. I can tell he’s making an effort. But it honestly feels like I’m watching him complete a chore. He says he enjoys it, and maybe he does, but I’m not sure that it excites him. I think he just wants to appease me and sort of check off a box on the to-do list. I don’t feel particularly desired.

    I’m worried because I love him so much and I really do want to marry him, but I’m starting to realize our compatibility issues in the bedroom.

    I’ll take any advice.



    Hello Dreaming 715,

    You’ve only been together for three years and already this is a problem for you.  This kind hearted man has no interest in pleasing you sexually – quite the reverse – he just wants himself pleased and your interpretation is that he doesn’t desire you.  How much affection is there between you outside the bedroom?  I don’t believe a person can change his personality along with his clothes.  I think you need to take a closer look at your whole relationship.

    You could obtain some books that you can both read or perhaps you would consider talking to a sex therapist.  I would advise putting any marriage plans on hold until you’ve reached an acceptable level of compatibility in the bedroom department.

    I hope it works out for you.





    Have you checked out Esther Perel?  She is a therapist, author,  She has a TED talk on The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship.  Start with that.  She has a best selling book, “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” which expands on her talk.

    I wonder if your fiance is a considerate man in general.  Does he look to please you in other areas?  Or is he self centered outside the bedroom as well?  It sounds like he really does not care about you.

    I am sure there are methods and ways to get him to pleasure you, e.g. have “only you pleasure night” which means that the sole point and focus of sex is getting you off and you do nothing, you only be the receiver and he is only the giver. When you say one of things you like about him is that he tries new things, it sounds like that it does not apply to sex  Even if you two take turns, I would think that approach won’t last long if he ever agrees to it.  If he is not really motivated in pleasing you, which is a manifestation of showing love for you then he won’t do that.

    People show their love in different ways (check out the Five Languages of Love).   If he is really the loving, kind-hearted man that you say he is then he would do things that would please you rather than doing it reluctantly, as a chore.  He sounds like he is not really in tune with you (ex. he did not remember that time when you felt so happy).  That does not make him a “bad” person but I wonder if he is the right match for you, matching how you are and how you desire and how you want to be desired.




    Dear dreaming715:

    First, history: your relationship with your fiancé began in June 2016. You posted about him July 31, 2016: “I’m not technically in a ‘relationship’ (i.e. boyfriend/ girlfriend), but I’ve been seeing a guy (I’ll call him ‘M’) for the past 6 and a half weeks.. I met M on a dating site.. he said he’s looking for a girlfriend and long term relationship… His communication in between dates has slowed down a lot… we’ve never had a conversation over the phone that wasn’t about meeting/ logistics. He’s never articulated how he’s felt about me… he doesn’t seem as eager t talk to me… I don’t know if this is normal dating  behavior?”

    August 2016 you wrote: “We got food the other night and he ordered potato wedges and I ordered fries. The fries were not great and I commented, ‘You had the right idea to get the potato wedges’, and he didn’t say anything. I think I expected him to be like ‘Have some of mine!’… Also, when I spend the night he.. just says “All right… Think it’s time to get some sleep’ and rolls over.”

    September 2016 you wrote: “He’s very reserved and admitted he’s uncomfortable about talking about things that are ‘very deep’. He said it makes him feel emotionally exhausted to have long discussions about these type of things. For example, last night I casually asked if he had been in love before. He quickly said, ‘yes.’. He dud not offer any more information… He did not ask me if I’ve ever been in love. He honestly seemed uncomfortable so I dropped it and we started talking about a much different, lighter topic”.

    November 2016, you wrote: “sometimes I wonder if he falls into the spectrum of having high-functioning Asperger’s Syndrome? if this is the case it may explain a lot and help me to better understand him and our relationship.. I  just want to educate myself on how to better communicate with him in general… He is not very expressive with his mannerisms. His facial expressions are not very expressive and his tone of voice is generally monotone.. he sometimes gets confused during small talk… the intention of the question has to be explained sometimes… He’s very reserved. Very, very, very reserved… If we talk about feelings.. he gets physically uncomfortable, gets straight to the point, and then changes the subject within minutes… He does not usually engage in conversation or ask questions”.

    April 2017, you wrote: “he feels very uncomfortable talking about ‘deep conversations.. He gives short responses and does not ask me any questions. In our 10 months of dating he has only said he loved me once completely out of the blue. He does say he loves me, but it’s only when we are hugging good-bye… he does not flirt in text… rarely calls me names like ‘hun’ or ‘babe’.. I was attempting to flirt with him.. it wasn’t acknowledged or reciprocated… He said he grew-up in a family that didn’t have deep conversations”.

    October 2018, you wrote: “I love him very much though and he’s extremely giving in other areas of our relationship. He’s also loyal, kind, accepting, funny, patient, and understanding”.

    My input today: I think you were correct Nov 2016, two years and eight months ago when you considered that he is on the autism spectrum. I think he is indeed “on the spectrum”,  emotionally shut down, and is at a loss in social interactions when non-concrete topics are discussed or otherwise communicated to him. He has a difficulty with abstract topics such as emotions and relationships. He is uncomfortable in such conversations because he is at a loss, he gets confused and is unable to process the information presented to him, so he changes the subject quickly to concrete topics.

    When you flirted with him on text, it wasn’t concrete for him so he didn’t understand you were flirting with him. Then you told him that you were flirting with him and he flirted back. He needed to be told clearly what is going on, he needs concrete information, nothing that may have double meaning, or a hidden meaning.

    He didn’t tell you randomly that he loves you but told you so when hugging goodbye, because the ending of  a date was a sign for him that saying I-love-you was appropriate. Otherwise, he doesn’t know when would be the right time. Therefore, he is not spontaneous and is incapable of being spontaneous, pretty much.

    When you expressed to him in a restaurant that you didn’t like the fries you ordered, you expected him to offer you his potato wedges, but the idea didn’t occur to him, he didn’t make the connection. If you said to him: can I have some of your potato wedges, that would have been concrete for him and he would have offered you his potatoes.

    You have to be very concrete in your communication with him, tell him what it is, no double or hidden meanings. Make sure that what you say to him has only one meaning and that the meaning is not hidden or abstract.

    Sexually, he behaves just like he does during conversations about emotions, keeping it short and concrete. When you ask him to please you, he does, but you will have to ask him every time and be exact, then let him know he is doing a good job. If you understand that he is doing his best, and that this is all you get, you may be okay with it and enjoy it more.

    Maybe you can see a professional consultant or counselor who can guide you further regarding communicating with a person on the spectrum. I know of a woman who says she is happily married to a man on the spectrum, who is, like your fiancé, very smart in concrete matters, has a great job that has to do with computer coding. She communicates with him concretely and it works very well for her.



    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
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