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  • #120209
    Jay-me
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I have been struggling in all of my relationships. All my relationships never lasts. First of all I am a very quiet person, an antisocial but fun when I am with close family and friends. I have been having a problem of letting go of past relationships, I was entering one relationship after another without completely healing on the previous one, so most where based on rebound. The behaviour was unhealthy as it never builds a stable relationship. I now have a three years old son, and I broke up with his father when he was one and half year.
    After I broke up with the father of my child, I took time before getting into any relationship. I took a one and half year break. There is a guy that I like and we talked and exchanged numbers. This guy is not in my normal age group. All my ex boyfriends are ranging from 27-32. He is 41 and I am 27. I am not sure if this is a problem but somehow I feel.nervous about the age difference.
    This is whats happening…
    He is working a stressful job in procedural law, and also studying towards his second degree. I am a banker, studying towards my degree and also having businesses. My guy is very unavailable, we hardly talk, we talk on the social media, he just greet and that it. He say he want to have a meaningful relationship with me. To me it does not look like it. His excuse is that he a too busy with exams and work. I am also busy but I atleast spare 5 minutes to check on him and see if he s ohk. But he never does take even 5 minutes to talk to me.
    He say I mist be patient with him, I am afraid of telling him that he is not putting effort, I feel like I am going to.sound impatient and immature.
    Do i always check my maturity level when am with him, will I bore him if I sound needy and clingy, will this age difference be visible and am I the one who has to move up to his level. I feel like screaming right now as this makes me frastrated. Most of the time I tell him we can just leave the relationship if we are forcing things, but he refuses. He says we are eventually going to be fine. Early stage of relationship suppose to be warm, memorable, crazy..but this one is hell of a cold frizen case. What do I do?
    Thank you for any advice

    #120221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jay-me:

    My advice is that you tell him, in a patient and mature tone of voice, that you think he is not putting in the effort. Express to him your concerns in a non-clingy way. What you are afraid of: to sound impatient, immature and clingy- well don’t sound like these things but express everything you need to express, take care of your interests (and your child’s interests) in the context of the relationship. Don’t make yourself invisible, as if you don’t matter.

    The age difference itself does not seem like a problem to me. The problem is that he is so busy and unavailable and the other problem is that you’ve been afraid or uncomfortable to express your honest thoughts and feelings with him. Let him know who you are, what you need and want, and find out if you can be YOU and get your needs met with him, or not. You decide.

    anita

    #120230
    Jay-me
    Participant

    Dear anita
    Thank you very much for your advice. I have tried to express, and he keep on saying we will be fine, but we are being fine. Do I wait and see if we will be fine, do I just stop doing my part, do I just let go in early stage. I am confused, I like him a lot though. I would have like to have the meaningful relationship with him. I am also afraid what if I am gonna hold on to a relationship that is going to be ” cold” later as it shows the signs right now.maybe I am reading too much to it.

    #120244
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jay-me,

    As a person in a marriage with a vast age difference I can tell you two things:

    1. Differences in age only matter when you’re very young or very old.

    2. It sounds like this particular guy is too busy or scattered to be in any relationship.

    You need to tell him that you are not his safe, default girlfriend. That he needs to step up his game with a text, dam it!

    You deserve a phone call. I think that is a meme actually. #youdeserveaphonecall

    Best,

    Inky

    #120272
    Jay-me
    Participant

    Hi inky

    Thank you a lot, I agree 100% I deserve a phone call, or some quality time. He must decide if he s in or out, because he cannot be making me wondering, waiting on him to show up to our “relationship”. I decided to stay away, he will come whenever he is ready and wanting to put effort. I am giving him that condition. I may like him, but I am not gonna give my self away in the process. We have to meet each other half way.

    #120274
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jay-me:

    In your note to me you wrote: “he keep on saying we will be fine”

    Two things:

    1. He shouldn’t speak for you. He can say: I will be fine, not WE will be fine.

    2. He can’t predict the future, not even his own. He can’t tell the future. He may be fine or he may not.

    Do not let him speak for you- your brain is there for your use, for your thinking, for your figuring things out-do not give him your brain’s job- it is YOUR brain that is best equipped (with your life experiences, your feelings) to figure out what is fine by you. Not his.

    anita

    #120385
    Jay-me
    Participant

    Hi anita
    I would like to thank you, I wish I knew this forums from way back, I believe I could have made better choices and had peace of mind. I am glad to have found this side, where I can freely express myself with no judgments. I also thank you Inky, I believe its a second chance for me to connect and make better choices.
    Lots of love
    Jay-me

    #120394
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, jay-me. Please do post, anytime.
    anita

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