Dear Matilda

I hear your pain, frustration & loneliness.  You have dedicated much of your life to looking after others & somewhere along the way you lost yourself.

What were your dreams? Where did you used to find joy before you became a full time carer?

Are there any volunteering opportunities where you live?

I get an email each day from the Daily Good. It has a quote which if it strikes a cord I like to copy it out neatly, sometimes I write them on a stone and leave them in a public place. it has an article to read and also a suggestion for something to do.  It gave me something to look forward to each day when I was sad & directionless.

If you go for a walk and see some one your age smile & say hello they too maybe would like to have a friend.

Best wishes

Roberta

Dear Matilda:

You wrote mother with a capital M, “my Mother“, and siblings with a capital S “my Siblings“-  your mother and your two siblings were a Major part of your life, and now that your mother is gone,  and your siblings having become more distant, you lost a major part of your life, didn’t you?

“It’s very sad t me… I have no motivation, can’t talk myself into exercising or doing any special projects around my home, etc… I am soooooo sick of being alone, having no one that cares” – very lonely and depressed, reads to me.

“didn’t seem to connect with anyone. I felt like a round peg in a square hole” -please connect here (in your thread) with me and/ or with other members. Please tell me more about your life now and before, anything you’d like to share.

As to me, I shared so much about my life in these forums, it’s all on record here and you can read about me. I would like to read more about you.

anita

I’m feeling much the same way. I hope this is not too long and difficult to decipher.  I lost my middle son in 2018 in an accidental apartment fire.  I was devastated. He was a good man and would drop anything to help me and my husband.   Little did I know that was just the beginning.  In early 2020, my daughter in law (my oldest son’s wife) died suddenly of diabetic ketoacidosis in his arms.  My son was horrified. They were married 35 years and hardly ever were apart.  My son said his life was over.  (There’s lots more to this story later).  Then in late November 2020 my husband of 42 years died suddenly.  He had a brain aneurysm in the late 80’s and dementia and cancer but he fell in the bathroom and died there. I took cate of him all those years.  My oldest son who had lost his wife was in terrible pain.  I was in my own pain, but he could not see it.  I tried so hard to help him, but he just wasn’t going to release his trauma and pain from her dying.  It was a traumatic time for me as well, but no one could see my pain.  I have one son left and he has been estranged off and on from me and his father for decades.  He and his father (my ex) got together after my daughter in law died and decided that my son needed to sell his house and move to his father’s farm.  They made things so much worse. I don’t believe he was ever going to leave the house they shared.  He built a shrine to her and lit a candle that he kept burning constantly. He craved sympathy and told everyone he ran into that his wife had died.  However, his brother and father kept at him to move, and he was torn between staying close to me and moving to his dad’s. I could manage on my own but apparently, he was telling them he had to help me, and I was the cause of his not moving.  He was given three different kinds of addictive prescription medications and he would just get completely out of it.  He would call me and the music in the background was so loud I couldn’t hear him.  He was so pumped up.  Then the letdown came again, and he was deeply depressed and in denial. Then in 2022, he took his own life with a gsw.  His dad had given him a rifle that belonged in the family, and I tried to take it, but he would not give it up.  I thought his dad would have noticed his desperation and taken the rifle, but he did not.  Yet, when he did this, my only son and his wife’s family and his father decided I was to blame for him taking his life, because I kept him from moving close to them. They yelled at me and made it look as if I caused him to do that. A detective that was at the house when this happened said that I told him I was going to kill myself.  I did not.  I just said I didn’t know how to go forward with all I had been through the past few years.  They got together with the detective,  I was sitting next  to a chaplain from the sheriff’s office (my husband was a deputy) and the detective had two deputies grab me (I’m 78 years old with bad hips and knees, use a cane) and they dragged me down my son’s driveway and hurting me and handcuffed me and put me in the back of a police car (never been in one) and took me to the hospital. None of them offered to stay with me or help me.  They told the coroner (who didn’t speak to me since I was taken away) that I had disowned my son and threw him out of my house.  They even told the coroner that I left.  I didn’t find this out until I got the coroner’s report.  I called them and asked the lady why no one ever spoke to me, and she said that was why.  I asked her if anyone bothered to tell her HOW I left, and she said no.  At least she listened and put notes in the report.  If the doctor in the ER had not known me because my husband was there so much, I would have been taken to a mental hospital for at least three days. I have pets who needed me too. Fortunately, he was kind to me and just asked for a hug.  He let me go immediately. I had to get a former neighbor to come help me get home.  However, this long saga is far from over.  I keep getting hate messages and posts on my fb and I have to keep blocking them.  Mostly because my grieving, addicted, sweet, sweet son was telling them I was the reason he wasn’t moving.  He was mentally and medically disturbed, and I don’t hold that against him.   I know this came from a place of the deepest, devastating pain. However, why would my only son and his father keep this horrible lie going.  I have no friends; I live alone and am not well.  I’m in so much pain. I have a therapist but that doesn’t change any of the awful things I have been through. She can only do so much. I have no energy and have tried to hire help, but it is so expensive.  I’m pretty much like Matilda, no energy, no one to talk to, no motivation.  I could be in my home dead for weeks and no one would know.  I don’t know where to turn.  I’ve never told this story to anyone other than my therapist.  It’s embarrassing that my one son is so ( h… ) bent on making other people think I am an awful person, and he is not responsible for any of his brother’s agony.  My two sons who have died were good men, loving and hard working.  They lived Christian lives, and I loved them so much.  I, like a lot of other mothers who have estranged children, have no idea why this is happening.  My living son was given so much and loved yet he felt entitled to more, which we were not able to give financially.  I’m sorry for the length of this, if too long please just delete.  This has been difficult to write.  As a final note, my son was cremated, and they took possession of his remains and I heard they had a memorial at his dad’s farm.  I was not involved in what happened, they just took charge and left me out.

Hi Mindy

I’m truly sorry for all of the trauma you’ve experienced over the years. My deepest condolences. I’m sorry for the death of your sons, your son’s wife and your husband.

Sometimes when people are to blame for something. Giving your son the gun for example. They go deep in denial, looking for someone anything else to blame. The pain that they are putting you through is how much they hate themselves. They hide from it, too afraid. They feel the need to blame someone, so they blame you.

Would you like to prevent contact from the family members that abuse you?

Please feel free to share anything you desire.

Trying hard to get through each day.  On February 7, it will be one year since my son committed suicide.  It’s so hard to say those words, I stumble around and try to get them out and yet not say them. (He is son No. 1, my oldest.)   January 26 is the day my middle son died. (No. 2.)  His birthday is the last of February.  Then my daughter in law died in March and my No. 1 son’s birthday is in April.  Christmas was so hard and then I knew I had all these anniversaries coming up that would cause me pain. I’m just trying to get through these next few months without losing my mind.  I struggle each day from loneliness and depression. Sometimes it’s weeks before I even talk to another living person.  It’s even harder knowing that I have another son who doesn’t care and probably would like to see me gone off the earth. I’m not sure why life has to be so hard.  I sincerely appreciate the kindness of those who responded to my post with compassion and caring.

testing

Dear Mindy

You have much sadness to bare. Please find a grief counselling group locally to augment your therapy.  Not being part of your sons final send off is hard. I was not allowed to go to my ex ‘s funeral, so on the day I held my own private ceremony to mark his passing this helped me feel connected to him. There is a lovely written guided meditation for survivors of suicide by Thubten Chodren. Anniversaries can be hard and you can either choose to mark them with a specific act of memory it is best to make it something small so that as the years go by it does not hinder your healing or become a burden. Or you can choose to do something new to celebrate their life ( at your age I would not suggest bungy jumping) maybe visit an art gallery.

Others on this site have given you guidance and input on your surviving family. My only suggestion is to send your surviving son a hand written note, acknowledging his suffering without any hint of blame. there is a lovely quote used by Ajhan Brahm is “The door to my heart is always open to you”.

I hope that you find the support & friendship to get thru this traumatic season.