- This topic has 22 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Roberta.
May 14, 2022 at 8:14 am #400068MatildaParticipant
I’m so tired, I’m tired of doing nothing, having no purpose in my life! I’m a woman in my 60’s.
I grew up in a wonderful and close family. As my Mother got older and needed help, I oversaw
her needs, her stay in the nursing home, doctor’s appts., etc. I got the immediate family together
at Christmas to visit with her and celebrate the holidays, and take her presents. After she dies,
things have changed for me. Covid came about a year after that which isolated all of us for a couple
of years. I have no husband or children. Both my Siblings have become more distant. It’s very sad
I have no close friends locally. I stopped working when my Mother started to decline up until her
death. I did not go back to work due to Covid. I have been home this whole time. Now, I pretty much
watch TV, surf the internet, and lie down take naps every afternoon. I have no motivation, can’t talk
myself into exercising or doing any special projects around my home, etc. I’ve tried signing up for
some social groups in town, but to this day have not gone to any events. I don’t feel comfortable
making myself go. I’ve gone to some in the past and just didn’t seem to connect with anyone. I felt
like a round peg in a square hole. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stand my life as it is. I
am sooooo sick of being alone, having no one that cares enough to check up on me regularly, etc.May 14, 2022 at 11:17 am #400181
I hear your pain, frustration & loneliness. You have dedicated much of your life to looking after others & somewhere along the way you lost yourself.
What were your dreams? Where did you used to find joy before you became a full time carer?
Are there any volunteering opportunities where you live?
I get an email each day from the Daily Good. It has a quote which if it strikes a cord I like to copy it out neatly, sometimes I write them on a stone and leave them in a public place. it has an article to read and also a suggestion for something to do. It gave me something to look forward to each day when I was sad & directionless.
If you go for a walk and see some one your age smile & say hello they too maybe would like to have a friend.
RobertaMay 14, 2022 at 3:14 pm #400244
I’m sorry to hear about your mother’s passing and your difficulties with isolation due to covid.
Would you like to talk about how you are coping or not coping with the grief of your mother’s passing? I can hear how much you loved her.
It must be very difficult for you not having that close family support.
I hope the following will comfort you, but feel free to disregard it. Your mom is a part of your memory, being with her shaped your personality. She is a part of you and you will never lose that.
How do you think your mother would advise you on this situation?May 14, 2022 at 4:56 pm #400268AnonymousGuest
You wrote mother with a capital M, “my Mother“, and siblings with a capital S “my Siblings“- your mother and your two siblings were a Major part of your life, and now that your mother is gone, and your siblings having become more distant, you lost a major part of your life, didn’t you?
“It’s very sad t me… I have no motivation, can’t talk myself into exercising or doing any special projects around my home, etc… I am soooooo sick of being alone, having no one that cares” – very lonely and depressed, reads to me.
“didn’t seem to connect with anyone. I felt like a round peg in a square hole” -please connect here (in your thread) with me and/ or with other members. Please tell me more about your life now and before, anything you’d like to share.
As to me, I shared so much about my life in these forums, it’s all on record here and you can read about me. I would like to read more about you.
anitaMay 20, 2022 at 5:15 am #400743
I hope that you have had a pleasant week and that your heart/head space is feeling a bit more up beat.
I will be 60 this year and I looked after both my parents for 5 years. Mum died at the end of August last year & Dad had to go into full time care because of his dementia. I felt rudderless, not sure how to full embrace this next step of my journey especially since Covid restrictions mean that my go to place is still closed and having to work to help pay household and care fees means I can’t travel further affield or take an extended break especially since Dad still enjoys seeing me.
Please reach out and let us know that you are okJanuary 29, 2023 at 11:12 am #414710MindyParticipant
I’m feeling much the same way. I hope this is not too long and difficult to decipher. I lost my middle son in 2018 in an accidental apartment fire. I was devastated. He was a good man and would drop anything to help me and my husband. Little did I know that was just the beginning. In early 2020, my daughter in law (my oldest son’s wife) died suddenly of diabetic ketoacidosis in his arms. My son was horrified. They were married 35 years and hardly ever were apart. My son said his life was over. (There’s lots more to this story later). Then in late November 2020 my husband of 42 years died suddenly. He had a brain aneurysm in the late 80’s and dementia and cancer but he fell in the bathroom and died there. I took cate of him all those years. My oldest son who had lost his wife was in terrible pain. I was in my own pain, but he could not see it. I tried so hard to help him, but he just wasn’t going to release his trauma and pain from her dying. It was a traumatic time for me as well, but no one could see my pain. I have one son left and he has been estranged off and on from me and his father for decades. He and his father (my ex) got together after my daughter in law died and decided that my son needed to sell his house and move to his father’s farm. They made things so much worse. I don’t believe he was ever going to leave the house they shared. He built a shrine to her and lit a candle that he kept burning constantly. He craved sympathy and told everyone he ran into that his wife had died. However, his brother and father kept at him to move, and he was torn between staying close to me and moving to his dad’s. I could manage on my own but apparently, he was telling them he had to help me, and I was the cause of his not moving. He was given three different kinds of addictive prescription medications and he would just get completely out of it. He would call me and the music in the background was so loud I couldn’t hear him. He was so pumped up. Then the letdown came again, and he was deeply depressed and in denial. Then in 2022, he took his own life with a gsw. His dad had given him a rifle that belonged in the family, and I tried to take it, but he would not give it up. I thought his dad would have noticed his desperation and taken the rifle, but he did not. Yet, when he did this, my only son and his wife’s family and his father decided I was to blame for him taking his life, because I kept him from moving close to them. They yelled at me and made it look as if I caused him to do that. A detective that was at the house when this happened said that I told him I was going to kill myself. I did not. I just said I didn’t know how to go forward with all I had been through the past few years. They got together with the detective, I was sitting next to a chaplain from the sheriff’s office (my husband was a deputy) and the detective had two deputies grab me (I’m 78 years old with bad hips and knees, use a cane) and they dragged me down my son’s driveway and hurting me and handcuffed me and put me in the back of a police car (never been in one) and took me to the hospital. None of them offered to stay with me or help me. They told the coroner (who didn’t speak to me since I was taken away) that I had disowned my son and threw him out of my house. They even told the coroner that I left. I didn’t find this out until I got the coroner’s report. I called them and asked the lady why no one ever spoke to me, and she said that was why. I asked her if anyone bothered to tell her HOW I left, and she said no. At least she listened and put notes in the report. If the doctor in the ER had not known me because my husband was there so much, I would have been taken to a mental hospital for at least three days. I have pets who needed me too. Fortunately, he was kind to me and just asked for a hug. He let me go immediately. I had to get a former neighbor to come help me get home. However, this long saga is far from over. I keep getting hate messages and posts on my fb and I have to keep blocking them. Mostly because my grieving, addicted, sweet, sweet son was telling them I was the reason he wasn’t moving. He was mentally and medically disturbed, and I don’t hold that against him. I know this came from a place of the deepest, devastating pain. However, why would my only son and his father keep this horrible lie going. I have no friends; I live alone and am not well. I’m in so much pain. I have a therapist but that doesn’t change any of the awful things I have been through. She can only do so much. I have no energy and have tried to hire help, but it is so expensive. I’m pretty much like Matilda, no energy, no one to talk to, no motivation. I could be in my home dead for weeks and no one would know. I don’t know where to turn. I’ve never told this story to anyone other than my therapist. It’s embarrassing that my one son is so ( h… ) bent on making other people think I am an awful person, and he is not responsible for any of his brother’s agony. My two sons who have died were good men, loving and hard working. They lived Christian lives, and I loved them so much. I, like a lot of other mothers who have estranged children, have no idea why this is happening. My living son was given so much and loved yet he felt entitled to more, which we were not able to give financially. I’m sorry for the length of this, if too long please just delete. This has been difficult to write. As a final note, my son was cremated, and they took possession of his remains and I heard they had a memorial at his dad’s farm. I was not involved in what happened, they just took charge and left me out.January 29, 2023 at 11:38 am #414713AnonymousGuest
I am so sorry to read of your heart breaking story: losing your middle son in 2018, your daughter in law in 2020, your husband later in 2020, and your older son in 2022; being harassed by your estranged younger son and his father, having bad hips and knees, and being alone and lonely.
It’s a good thing that you have a therapist and I hope she will soon be able to help you more than she has so far.
“I’m sorry for the length of this, if too long please just delete. This has been difficult to write”- please feel comfortable to share more, here on your thread: post as many times as you need to, and at any length. I would like to read more from you, so please do post again and when you do, I will reply again.
anitaJanuary 29, 2023 at 11:40 am #414714
I’m truly sorry for all of the trauma you’ve experienced over the years. My deepest condolences. I’m sorry for the death of your sons, your son’s wife and your husband.
Sometimes when people are to blame for something. Giving your son the gun for example. They go deep in denial, looking for someone anything else to blame. The pain that they are putting you through is how much they hate themselves. They hide from it, too afraid. They feel the need to blame someone, so they blame you.
Would you like to prevent contact from the family members that abuse you?
Please feel free to share anything you desire.January 30, 2023 at 1:33 pm #414754AnonymousGuest
How are you, Mindy?
anitaJanuary 30, 2023 at 4:56 pm #414768MindyParticipant
Trying hard to get through each day. On February 7, it will be one year since my son committed suicide. It’s so hard to say those words, I stumble around and try to get them out and yet not say them. (He is son No. 1, my oldest.) January 26 is the day my middle son died. (No. 2.) His birthday is the last of February. Then my daughter in law died in March and my No. 1 son’s birthday is in April. Christmas was so hard and then I knew I had all these anniversaries coming up that would cause me pain. I’m just trying to get through these next few months without losing my mind. I struggle each day from loneliness and depression. Sometimes it’s weeks before I even talk to another living person. It’s even harder knowing that I have another son who doesn’t care and probably would like to see me gone off the earth. I’m not sure why life has to be so hard. I sincerely appreciate the kindness of those who responded to my post with compassion and caring.January 30, 2023 at 5:52 pm #414770AnonymousGuest
Thank you for your appreciation. So many anniversaries and birthdays Jan-April, including Jan 26- the day your middle son died; Feb 7, 2023- one year since your oldest son committed suicide.
“It’s even harder knowing that I have another son who doesn’t care and probably would like to see me gone off the earth”- naturally, there was great love for you, in his heart, when he was a child; and somewhere in his heart, underneath his anger, he still loves you, I imagine.
“I’m not sure why life has to be so hard”- this is not my answer, and I am not religious, but the story of the Garden of Eden comes to my mind. The answer there is that life is so hard because Adam and Eve, when they had it all nice and easy in the Garden, chose to sin, and their sin led to all of humanity being expelled from the Garden.
anitaJanuary 30, 2023 at 6:21 pm #414771AnonymousGuest
testingJanuary 31, 2023 at 1:53 am #414781TeeParticipant
I am so sorry for all the horrible losses you’ve experienced in recent years. The way the deaths of your loved ones happened – suddenly and unexpectedly – made them even more traumatic. Even your husband, who was sick with cancer and dementia died suddenly, due to a fall. I can’t even imagine how hard and devastating it was to have this series of tragedies all happen within the span of a few years.
But perhaps the worst of all is the way how your youngest son and his family (including your ex husband) is treating you. It is indespicable that they are blaming you for your oldest son’s death, and that they said horrible lies to the police so they had you handcuffed and taken away!
That’s malignant and outright evil! You said your youngest son always felt entitled, and it could be that this is his revenge for you not giving him the money he was asking for, for not giving him what he wanted?
It is awful that your youngest son and his family are still blaming you and harassing you on social networks. What would be important is that you don’t believe their accusations! I hope you don’t, and that you can see that you are in no way to blame for your son’s death. Those are malignant and unjustified accusations – just like those after your son died – and it seems their goal is to destroy you and your mental health. Perhaps your ex husband participates because he still resents you for leaving him and remarrying (if this is what happened?) and he is punishing you for that?
In any case, it would be extremely important that 1) you don’t believe those accusations, and 2) that you surround yourself with people who support you and are on your side.
It’s great that you have a therapist, but as you say, that’s not enough. Is there a Church you can join or another supportive community (perhaps you can look up a group of parents with estranged children)?
I think it’s crucial for your well-being that you’re not alone with your thoughts all the time, and that you have someone who doesn’t blame you and accuse you all the time. Because that’s what you’ve been receiving all this time. Instead, you need people who have empathy and understanding for you, and who are on your side.January 31, 2023 at 3:23 am #414784
You have much sadness to bare. Please find a grief counselling group locally to augment your therapy. Not being part of your sons final send off is hard. I was not allowed to go to my ex ‘s funeral, so on the day I held my own private ceremony to mark his passing this helped me feel connected to him. There is a lovely written guided meditation for survivors of suicide by Thubten Chodren. Anniversaries can be hard and you can either choose to mark them with a specific act of memory it is best to make it something small so that as the years go by it does not hinder your healing or become a burden. Or you can choose to do something new to celebrate their life ( at your age I would not suggest bungy jumping) maybe visit an art gallery.
Others on this site have given you guidance and input on your surviving family. My only suggestion is to send your surviving son a hand written note, acknowledging his suffering without any hint of blame. there is a lovely quote used by Ajhan Brahm is “The door to my heart is always open to you”.
I hope that you find the support & friendship to get thru this traumatic season.January 31, 2023 at 5:05 am #414786
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of the anniversaries of deaths of family members at the moment. My heart goes out to you. It all sounds very fresh, raw and painful. Your plan of trying to get through this period without losing your mind is a good one. Sometimes life is so difficult, that is all we can ask.
I hope that you lean on your therapist and access additional mental health services as appropriate. I know that I have needed to do so myself during difficult anniversaries (a different situation).
You don’t deserve all of the pain you experience. Even the people who are treating you badly you have discussed with empathy, kindness and compassion. Your kindness is a light in this world.
Would it be okay if I prayed for you?