Hi Mindy and Matilda

Alive but not living… not a great space to find oneself. From my own experience I learned that the way out is through. Each day taking step to change something and noticing when thinking and feeling were blocking flow. The author Matt Haig writes about such experiences. I found his book Midnight Library helpful as it reminds us we arn’t alone in this experience of being alive but not living.

It is easy to mourn the lives we aren’t living. Easy to wish we’d developed other other talents, said yes to different offers. Easy to wish we’d worked harder, loved better, handled our finances more astutely, been more popular, stayed in the band, gone to Australia, said yes to the coffee or done more bloody yoga.

It takes no effort to miss the friends we didn’t make and the work we didn’t do the people we didn’t do and the people we didn’t marry and the children we didn’t have. It is not difficult to see yourself through the lens of other people, and to wish you were all the different kaleidoscopic versions of you they wanted you to be. It is easy to regret, and keep regretting, ad infinitum, until our time runs out.

But it is not lives we regret not living that are the real problem. It is the regret itself. It’s the regret that makes us shrivel and wither and feel like our own and other people’s worst enemy.

We can’t tell if any of those other versions would of been better or worse. Those lives are happening, it is true, but you are happening as well, and that is the happening we have to focus on.

…..

Of course, we can’t visit every place or meet every person or do every job, yet most of what we’d feel in any life is still available. We don’t have to play every game to know what winning feels like. We don’t have to hear every piece of music in the world to understand music. We don’t have to have tried every variety of grape from every vineyard to know the pleasure of wine. Love and laughter and fear and pain are universal currencies. We just have to close our eyes and savour the taste of the drink in front of us and listen to the song as it plays.

We are as completely and utterly alive as we are in any other life and have access to the same emotional spectrum.
― Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

I would absolutely appreciate prayers.  I am so grateful to members here who have responded with so much caring, understanding and kindness.  I have been so hard on myself, wondering what I could have done to fix or prevent the situation.  I know in my own heart that I did not do anything to make them react as they did.  I apologize to Matilda for posting so much on her original post.  She is in my heart and thoughts, and I completely understand how she feels. One thing that has helped is listening to calming music (I think it helps my cats also) and reading. I bought several books, including a day-by-day inspiration and devotional journal written by Max Lucado. When my son killed himself last year, and all the other deaths, my two sweet rescue cats lost 4 lbs.  I know they were so aware of my agony that they didn’t eat enough.  Thankfully, they are doing better and have gained weight.   My therapist told me to take things one day at a time, and if that wasn’t possible, narrow it down to an hour or even five minutes. It’s hard to do.  When I am feeling the most despondent and depressed thinking about all that has happened in the past, I try to bring myself back to the present.  It’s all I have.  I can’t change the past and no one knows the future.  I still cry a lot and sometimes probably even feel a little sorry for myself, but my health is being affected by all of this and if I want to live, I have to find a way to get to a better place.  I pray Matilda will also.  Thank you all for your love and kindness. Please remember me in your prayers.

Dear Mindy:

You are welcome! “I bought several books, including a day-by-day inspiration and devotional journal written by Max Lucado“- I looked up a few quotes from him and came across these which I like very much:

“Lower your expectations of earth. This isn’t heaven, so don’t expect it to be”,  “A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd”, “You change your life by changing your heart”.

Matilda,

I also feel your pain in not living. I had given up my life to care for my mother due to her not being able to take care of her house and other issues. I gave up my apartment, my cats that I had for 15 years, and independence. I am not bitter of this because I know that my mother was always there for me throughout the years even through my addiction do drugs and alcohol.  It was my turn to take care of her. I did it with love. I stayed with her until she passed in 2020 right before COVID. I glad that she did not have to go through that experience. I did work some while taking care of her, but my depression and anxiety escalated to the all-time high. I felt like everyone’s life was going by and I was stuck in time. After she passed, I inherited the house so, living here alone after death was trying. I went into a very deep hole and thought I would not come of it. I am still struggling very bad with my mental health. So, I still feel that live is going by me. I stay up to 4am and then sleep most of the even if I want to get up in the daytime, I still force myself to stay in bed because I do not think or have the motivation to do things in the house or yard which is not real. But I am stuck in that loop. I am working twice a week and sometimes that is even a struggle to get through those two days. I work from home. So needless to say, I am here 24/7 most of the time. I am so glad that I do have animals, or I may have gone really crazy. I do not have any close friends, but my sister lives a block over, but she has her husband and her life and travels. My brother lives in CT so I may see him once maybe twice a year. So, I am thinking about moving to Mexico if I am going to be alone, I might as well be somewhere beautiful. Any way that is my story and just wanted to let you know you are not alone. But struggle with the answer to things as well, due to the struggle of my mental and emotional status. Thank you for sharing your feelings.