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Alone.

This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Victoria B 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #180771

    Victoria B
    Participant

    Hi everyone.

    Well, straight to the point. I’ve always felt ‘different’ as a kid, throughout primary and high school. I never seemed to ‘fit in’.

    So much has happened. Especially in the past two years. My parents divorced. And arguments in the family household became far too frequent (not that they weren’t when I was a kid). My mother blaming me for what happened, indirectly. And my sister as well as my mother, verbally and emotionally abusing me. All in the meantime my father leaves, and starts a new life with the woman he cheated on my mum with. But in his mind he thinks it’s ok.. and ‘fuck morals’ /it’s ‘his time to be selfish now/ happy’.

    I’m 21 but I sure don’t feel 21. I have one best friend I’m in a long distance friendship with. Been friends with her since primary school. Apart from that I don’t have any group of friends I can truely rely on. Most people my age and this generation seem to base friendships off whether you can fit into their clique. To me, being true to myself and who I am is far more valuable than pretending to be something I’m not. And it’s for this reason that I feel – the more genuine and ‘real’ you are, the less people want to be around you. Because you see past everyone’s bullshit! And they don’t fucking like it!

    Theres a burning emptiness inside me. I’m still living with my mother because of financially difficulties at the moment. I long to be somewhere that I belong. And I do believe I have grown up around a non-belonging environment; where everything was either – you agree with mother or you don’t and you will be yelled at for it.

    Meanwhile most of this generation is concerned about their ‘image’, reputation and how ‘cool’ they look. My burning desire inside is to feel completely at peace/at ease/ and at home. Somewhere where I know isn’t here. My intuition is telling me I need to be somewhere else. Each day that passes I feel this even stronger. It’s killing me inside – knowing that my souls home is in Ireland, yet I am stuck here in this predicament. Everything I do, each day – is to eventually be there.  Happy. At peace.

    I dream constantly about walking the countryside with my hair blowing in the wind. Feeling every single sensation that it means to be fully alive and awoken in my soul. For I will feel at true peace knowing – I am finally where I’m meant to be.

    Victoria.

     

    #180789

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Victoria:

    Living free, at peace, true to yourself, I hope this happens and soon. I agree with you that these aims are not possible living with your mother or with your father (where you lived before).

    Two routes to take so to get to live free, at peace and true to yourself: be physically away from your family of origin that brought lots of pain to your life, that is the outside route, living elsewhere and the inside route, the work that needs to be done  in the distance between the ears.

    If and when you find yourself in Ireland, following the hair blowing in the wind sensation, following an incredible sense of freedom (from my experience as  I relocated myself in my twenties), there will be the return of the distress from before. That distress, the sense  of not belonging, the arguments  and fights  you witnessed at home… these are registered in your brain and remain there no matter where you are.

    anita

    #180791

    Peter
    Participant

    The danger in projecting into an imagined future is that you forget how to be present in the moment. So even when you arrive where you dreamed of going you might not recognize it when you get there. Anger is a double edge sword it can help you identify what you want to change but also cut you off from who you want to be.

    You can have what your looking for where you’re at… if you allow yourself to be where you’re at.

    #180849

    Victoria B
    Participant

    Peter, I project myself into the future because that’s the only thing I have to truely look forward to. And that is being there. It’s difficult for some people to understand the circumstance that I’m in and I’m sure they would be doing all they can ‘escape’ all this bullshit I’m going through. Being ‘present’ in the moment only helps so much. I’ve tried talking to my mother about the way I feel but she doesn’t show much compassion back. As for friends I don’t have any here. So what’s holding me back? Realistically, finishing my studies and my financial situation. Otherwise I would be much happier in a place starting fresh and where no one knows me. V.

    #180877

    Nate
    Participant

    Hi Victoria,
    I can relate to feeling different. I tried to fit in as best I could, but always had a sense of being different. As years went by, after graduating, this feeling has even continued with me, until today.

    I am different. I have also finally accepted my “differentness”. I am an unusual person. I know it, people have told me, “I have never met anyone like you”, “where do you come from” (in a positive way, of course). Sometimes they just look at me with squinched eyes trying to figure me out. I just warmly smile back at them.

    The other day at work, one of the employees came up to me and asked “how can you be as you are each and every day?” I said, “what do you mean by that?” He said, “you don’t change. Each and every day the same. This calm, nice pleasant “persona”, although there is so much stress here every day, with the bosses yelling, and speaking to us rudely”. I simply said “because this is the person I choose to be”.

    It is who I am at my core. I choose to be true to who I am and to who I want to be. Not for anyone else, just for me.

    Victoria, I don’t know if you can understand what I mean, but I think you do.
    I love how you wrote: To me, being true to myself and who I am is far more valuable than pretending to be something I’m not.
    That is so true, thank you for writing that.

    No one can make us do or say or be anything that we do not want to be. It doesn’t matter how much they yell or what words they use. If we feel pain and hurt inside, it is something we need to sincerely reflect on. No one can make us feel anything. That was a hard concept for me to understand.
    There is a lot of stress where I work. Totally unnecessary stress, in my opinion.
    About a week ago one of the bosses came upstairs where I was working, hands on her hips, red in the face, on the verge of absolute rage, and ask me “did you do this?” “were you in charge of this?

    Without going into a lot of unecessary details, I mentally relaxed, paused about 2-3 seconds, “sat on it”, and felt in my body where I was feeling the emotion, quickly analyzing what I was feeling, meanwhile the hairs on the back of my head were standing up, my hands were slightly trembling, but I was also not going to be pulled into it. Years ago I would do what most people do, react with a typical knee-jerk reaction, and respond in like. Voices raising, a lot of tension in the air, many times saying things I didn’t mean… you know the drill.
    But I choose not to be that person any more. I choose to be true to who I am and who want to be.
    Do you “feel” me, as they say in the States?

    I had a long conversation with this woman, who is one of the bosses. I waited for a “good moment” to talk about it. I explained that whenever she gets like that, always expect that I will “shut down” for a few seconds. She smiled at hearing that. I told her I will not be pulled into these unnecessary rants. Then she did the unexpected, and admitted that she has always had this problem. She said she has trouble controlling it. So I suggested other ways to ask the questions, other words to use, so that we can both feel that we are working together to solve a problem, not her on her throne pissing down on everyone else. I also explained that when she acts like that, it is totally counter-productive. For the employees will, for the next few hours, be thinking more on the yelling than doing there job.
    I know this is all work related, but it can also be used with our family.
    No one can make us feel anything. It comes from the meaning we ourselves give to our own thoughts. Our thoughts then produce the emotions.

    It is something worth learning and developing for ourselves, because once you experience the power in this, it will transform how you relate to others and also how they relate to you.

    I am alone. But I do not feel lonely. I hope you feel that way too.
    I am happy that you have at least one friend to share things with, although it is long-distance. Still there is that sense of connectedness.

    Another concept that has helped me get through some things, and also helped me with certain relationships, is the concept of “we are all the same”.
    We all started out the same, and so are made up of the same “stuff”. Of course we were then exposed to different circumstances externally, and so “our story” is different from person to person. Our early experiences are different from one another and so we have formed certain beliefs about things. Some things we feel very certain of, and these things cause us to think a certain way, and so we feel certain types of emotions, based on our own belief system.
    Our emotions, be it anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, etc are based on our thoughts, coming from our sub-conscious belief system.

    Had we had different experiences, in different circumstances, we would be or act a different way than we are now.
    Your father and your mother are caught up in their own world, or “belief bubble”, as author Gary van Warmerdam put it.
    They have slowly, through the years, dealing with various marriage problems, and many other things, put together their own “belief bubble”. And it causes them to be and act as they do, for the good or bad.

    Thinking about things that way, makes me feel more compassion for people, even my own family.

    Reading about this also helped me to realize that I too needed to analize what I myself believed, and make necessary changes in my own belief system, when it didn’t serve me well.
    We all really want the same thing. To live a happy and full life.
    If your burning desire inside is to feel completely at peace/at ease/ and at home, then you will realize that.

    For I too sought the same thing. I am alone, at peace, at ease and am at home. But not my original home. I now live on the other side of the planet, but I am still at peace and at ease. Whether I am at home or away from home.
    It comes from the inside, and that is where you are truly meant to be.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Nate. Reason: had tags
    #180881

    Victoria B
    Participant

    Hi Nate,

    People like you and me, give me more hope to this crazy world.

    I am naturally an empath and a sensitive person with a big heart.

    Thank you for your post. You ‘get’ me. 🙂

    Victoria.

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