Home→Forums→Relationships→Am I a horrible person?
- This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by Kanyajawa.
May 16, 2013 at 11:02 am #35706
Hello everyone, I just wanted to tell you a story about myself, and my first relationship. You might learn from it, or maybe you know something that i don’t and can help me, so that next time I won’t fail. Also, sorry if I make grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.
So where should I begin? My parents have always been an inspiration for me. They met when they were 16, they married when they were 18, and they just became 51 this year. They never fought , and always loved eachother and they raised 3 great kids, me beign the smallest one as an 18 year old. When I thought about having a relationship I always thought it will be like them, that the first one I meet ( yeah did I tell you that they never dated anyone before?) will be my one and only love. This kind of thinking took a huge toll on me just now.
Back in march 2012, there was a house party I went to, and there I met this girl. She was funny, beautifull and somebody I really started to love, but since I was shy and basically had no experience in this whatsoever, I didn’t do anything, we just had a good chat and let her go. I havent met her untill august, where I went to a festivel with my friends and she came too ( most of my friends are from one class from another school, and she is their classmate). We had really good talks and I started to like her more and more, but still didn’t do anything. She even wrote to me 2 weeks after the festival, and we started to chat on facebook for days, but still, the coward me didn’t do anything. I said to myself that “How would I be worthy to her?” “Why would she like me?” “Why would anyone like me?”. Things kind of went on for a while, but this year, on the second of february, we met at a house party and had such a good chat, that later I finally dared to invite her out to a date. For 2 weeks we have been dating, and I actually started to feel a connection to her, I loved her attitude and after 2 weeks she became my ver first girlfriend.
For another two weeks everything was great, though I still felt that something was wrong and I cant say what was it, even today. And then one day she started to act differentelly, she was angry and mean to me all the time, and I didn’t know why. She always searched for the problems beign in me, and I searched for the problems in me too. i never liked to blame others, and I always thought that the problem is with me. At this point I started to be afraid of her, I didn’t know when will it be if she is angry when I go to her, or she is happy and then she was so awesome. But the problem was that I could never make her happy, a lot of times she used my as a punching bag and later she did not admit it (she had 5 boyfriends before me). The whole relationship became a workplace for me, and I could not look at it as something that would make me happy, she always tried to argue with me and compared me to her old relationships and my patience just shortened, and shortened.
For a whole month I lived liek this. I always tried to make her happy, I asked her brother to let me into the house and put some chocolates on her bed with a poem I wrote, or one day in the coldest winter day I went out and bought her a rose that I gave to her, and I jsut saw that she couldn’t appreciate it. I thought girls like to recieve these things. Then one day I went to her dancing appearance, I didn’t even care anymore, I just wanted to see her after it. After two hours I went down. I wanted to give her a hug, and she pushed me away and said “Not here” infront of everybody. To this day I still don’t know what happened there, I asked her if she wanted to have a walk with me, and she instead went out for half an hour with her friend. I want home ad was just sad. I didn’t know what I did wrong. The next day was Easter, my sisters came home, I rarely see them, and I only went on the chat at 3 PM. She quarrelled with me saying “I waited the whole day for you to show your ugly face here” and I replied patiently to everything, eventhough I almost exploded on the inside, she was unexpectable the whole time, and in the end she always said taht she isn’t angry, this is just a stupid belief that guys belive about girls, and I actually belived it for some time. When the conversation ended I punched the wall, I never did it before, I didn’t even hit a person before, and my hand started to bleed. My sister came in and I told her the whole story, she told me that this girl, no matter how good she seems is no good influence on me, no matter how good she is. In my anger and sadness, the next day I wlaked to her and ended our relationship. I just said that “Look, this wont work on the long run, I can’t make you happy on the long run, and I don’t really feel good in this relationship”. She replied “Can i go in now?” and just walked inside. I want home with full of negative emotions and there came the true hearthbreaker for me. On facebook she wrote a huge message where she just bit me over and over again with the things she wrote, reminding me about things that I hate about myself or even things that would just hurt anybody. I was still patient there, I wrote a nice message back, tried to calm her down. What she replied was “You are miserable, and a coward for backing out of a 2 month long relationship”. I just completelly lost it there and wrote that ” If I wasn’t happy with you, then I’m not a coward”. To this day, 2 months later her memory still haunts me, and just the thought that I could say something so hurtfull to somebody that I cared for. She was depressed for a whole moth, she even made her friends angry, she was unstable, and then she just got herself together. She is happy now, and I’m still sad, with full of haunting memories that don’t let me relax.
For this I felt horrible about myself. “How could I do this to somebody I loved?” Two months have passed and I’m still lost, I have so many questions inside me about having a relationship. If I did good with ending it or if I am even worthy to be loved by somebody. It was a true hard lesson from life that not everybody is like my parents. I jsut don’t know if I am even fit for a relationship anymore, I have lost all my confidence.
Thank you if you have read it this far, you don’t knwo how much this means to me.May 16, 2013 at 11:27 am #35708JadeParticipant
Thank you for sharing your story. First of all, you are NOT a horrible person! You were unhappy with your relationship, she was not treating you with respect, so you ended it which was the right thing to do. Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person, and you are not obligated to stick with someone who hurts you.
I’m sorry that this happened to you and I can relate, I was also super shy at your age and never found the courage to ask out anyone I liked until I was in my late 20s! Going through what you went through would have devastated me, but I also know that eventually I would heal. Take time to recover from this; do the things and hobbies that you love, spend time with family and friends who genuinely care about you. And most of all, be kind to yourself! We all make mistakes, that’s what makes us human, and the best thing to do from mistakes is to learn from them.May 16, 2013 at 11:37 am #35709
Thank you for your answer, truly, for some reason you just said the answer I was looking for. For some reason I thought that I need to stand by her at any costs, but I now realised by doing so I would have given up my happiness for somebody that did not treat my right. Thank you for your response.May 16, 2013 at 10:39 pm #35785BuddhaParticipant
You are a compassionate human being. May be, your ex-girlfriend had some issues which she wasn’t openly communicating. So, someday she seemed pretty normal and other time she was full of agony. You did what’s healthy for you. All the best for a great future life ahead!May 16, 2013 at 11:35 pm #35787mindtwister24Participant
you did the right thing.respect is the most important thing in any relationship.If you are not happy in a relationship,you cant keep your partner happy and there is no point in staying in a relationship with some one,keep on insulting her or getting insulted by her for no reasons.and don’t think that you are a horrible person or something.you did the right thing by being true to your self and to her.
All the best 🙂May 16, 2013 at 11:49 pm #35788AnnetteParticipant
Of course not. You are learning like the rest of us. Forgive yourself first for making a mistake. When you didn’t go after her when you met her at first it was your spirit holding you back. I felt deep inside you knew she wasn’t the right one for you. Yet you went against you own gut feeling, and said you were shy. Whenever you were talking to her things seem okay, yet you couldn’t shake the feelings that something was just not right. Every interaction is a learning experience.
First, this person seems very hurt lost and has a host of issues. Somewhere inside of you, you feel you are responsible. Everyone is totally responsible for their own happiness. That is what I got from this, it was to show you that no matter what you did it wasn’t enough or right or this or that. You can add to someone’s joy but if they aren’t happy with themselves how can they be happy with you. So my question to you is where in your life before your first girlfriend did anyone make you feel you weren’t enough? They made you feel you just can’t do anything right, etc. Whoever or whatever the issue don’t deny the pain feel it all breath if you feel angry get to the hurt and disappointment, feel it identify it, be honest about your feeling and let it go. Feel the pain, cry, write about it journal. Give yourself time and space to let go of other people’s expectations of you. You cannot please everyone, yet you picked up her issues and made them yours. So if you are feeling, horrible, guilty, admit it, feel the pain. You can cry anywhere you are safe to release the guilt and labels she gave you. Take the time you need to let it go.
Remember she was hurt and it’s really about her pain that she has to deal with, that she doesn’t know how yet. It’s a journey that she will have to take to clear her hurt.
The next time you are interested in someone and are hesitant, take your time. See how they get along with everyone. Also find out what there expectations are in a relationship. Also your parent’s experiences are yours, you will have your own experiences that are unique to you.May 17, 2013 at 1:51 am #35789
First of all I want to thank You for writeing such a long answer and telling me all of this.
To answer your question, throughout my life I have always been sort of a maximalist. Even my parents told me that whenever somebody yelled at me I was just in a complete shock, i couldn’t do anything after it, it just ate me away inside because I always think that the problem is with me, and I try to find an answer. This has coused me a lot of disadventages. Eg. when I was learning to drive my teacher would always yell at me or be mean to me if I made a mistake, and this ended with me after 30 hours of driving, failing my exam after 10 minutes. This was one year ago, I couldn’t continue my driving after it because I had summer work and after that school started. I want to continue it in june after I’m finished with my school and I’m thinking about maybe seeing somebody else to teach me. I don’t know why but I come to this problem a lot of times, where if people yell at me I just completelly lose all confidence in myself, where in reality they might just have a bad day or a bad period in their life. I think this is a huge life lesson for me, that I will have to cope with.
Thank You for your answer again, it has been eye-opening for me.May 17, 2013 at 5:41 am #35792KanyajawaParticipant
We all just human who want to love and to be loved. And no! YOU ARE NOT HORRIBLE PERSON. You shouldn’t be sorry for breaking up with her, you should be proud of yourself because u r brave enough to stand up for yourself, to admit that you weren’t unhappy with the relationship no matter how much you hearted this person and did the right thing,
We learn to live when we learn to love, and what you experienced is a lesson of life. We are young, darling and life sometimes put people on our path so we can learn the lessons. And you shouldnt blame yourself for what happened because we are responsible for ourselves, for our own happiness and I believe she acted that way because she wasnt happy herself and she put it on you to ease her bitterness and like Annette said, she needs to figure out herself to deal with her anger and bitterness. Life is beautiful, and we can always get love and comopassion from people around us, family and friends.