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Am I being selfish?

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  • June 9, 2017 at 6:30 am #152512
    Savannah
    Participant

    Okay I’ll try to make this a long story short sort of thing…

     

    A year ago I dropped my life to be with a man who lives half way around the world. I did it willingly because I love him. It was kind of set upon that we would travel after a couple of months for a year and then find a place to settle down that we both liked. We did that and as soon as we were moving to another country, his mom fell very ill.. like stage 3 lung cancer ill.

    So of course we dropped our plans to take care of her. It’s been 5 months. I don’t have a visa to work here…so I do nothing all day. It’s too expensive to constantly explore the city every day. I have no friends other than him. I really don’t like this city but I was willing to live here for him. I love him and he would do the same to me..

    But.. his mom doesn’t care for me. She’s been very rude to me at times and I feel uncomfortable in her presence. I’m really torn between being here and supporting him/her and leaving just to come back to visit. I genuinely don’t like this place. I am not happy. Before I was going to school and had a friends and great community.

    Am I selfish to want to be happy too? I’m dreading on getting a $2,000 visa to live and work in a city I hate.  Should I just suck it up for 2 years? Should I stay only for him? I feel really guilty that I have these feelings. Am I just being selfish?

    June 9, 2017 at 7:24 am #152534
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Savannah:

    You asked if you are selfish. To be selfish means to disregard others, to not be considerate of others.

    To take care of yourself- that is not selfish. To be primarily concerned with your own well-being- that is not selfish.

    And so, there is no indication in your share above that you are being selfish. It is your valid responsibility to take care of yourself so that you are well.

    If his mother is terminally ill, what is her medical prognosis? If she has little time left, a lot about your life will change: you might travel with your boyfriend as you planned before and figure out where to live. And so, her prognosis is very important in making an informed choice: to leave or stay, isn’t it?

    anita

     

    June 13, 2017 at 4:39 am #152902
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Savannah,

    Think of it this way: Your BF has to spend a lot of his energy to take care of his mom. His mom wants to spend all her remaining energy being with her son before she (probably?) dies. By resetting, going back home, going back to school, being with your friends ~ and then visiting for a couple weeks every season or so ~ you will also be more relaxed and happy.

    Life throws us curveballs. Don’t worry. The world isn’t going anywhere. You will travel with your love one day.

    Best,

    Inky

    June 13, 2017 at 8:18 pm #153058
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Dear @Savannah,

    I believe if you gave up your life and happiness for somebody you love then it would be selfish on their part. Your BF will not be happy knowing you are not happy giving up your life to be with him and in the end it will only hurt both of you. I’m sure his focus is taking care of his mom and he cannot give you the attention you need to settle into this new life. If you really love your BF you will support him by being honest with him on how you feel and you should still show compassion to his mom and respect her by showing her that you geniunely care for her son and her but if she does not see that do no stress the situation on your BF more and let her be.

    You need to do what is best for yourself and do what will make you happy first because how can you be happy with your BF if you do not like the life you’re living there now? You find your own happiness and if it was meant to be and if he loves you then maybe later on it’ll work out. Time is everything and maybe right now it is time for you to go back and do what makes you happy and reconsider things when things are settled again.

    I hope that helps and follow what your heart tells you even if it’s hard because you have to do what’s best for you in the long run.

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