Anita,

I definitely will.  Thank you 🙂

Anita,

I went to my counseling session this morning and when I saw my counselor Kevin I started laughing. My ex husband and I had gone to a few sessions with him for marital issues at least 4 years ago.  Neither of us remembered the sessions.  Anyway I really like him even though he is a man. (women for me tend to be more comfortable to talk to).

I woke up thinking today was going to be a great day! ….not so much.  I feel like my dog just died-that’s the closest thing I can describe what I feel.

Anyway, we discussed “S” for probably the last 20 minutes of the session.  I started to get upset because at one point he said it sounded like “S” did not want to be in the relationship anymore and I started crying really hard.  At the end we agreed that it was probably several reasons. (it shouldn’t matter to me but it does right now.)  So my next session in 2 weeks he is going to do some type of trauma test.  Obviously this is all a part of my trauma.  He mentioned that I may have rejection sensitivity and I was like absolutely.  Example is me calling “S” on the second day and he not answering-rejection.  The thought that he wasn’t interested anymore at the end of the relationship-rejection.

I said that if I don’t get a handle on this I’ll be in his office in 2 months crying about some guy that treated me bad or did something and now I’m anxiety riddled.  When the fact of the matter is I could have done way better in the first place and I ignored red flags, etc.

So at this point I’m picking up the kids in a few from summer camp until Monday morning. Plan on doing a lot.  we have 2 birthday parties coming up.  I’m also making rainbow cupcakes for my daughter’s end of the season Softball Party.

Lindsey

Anita,

I am sorry that I keep going back to this topic.  I know that I have a lot of things in my life that I should be greatful for.  I’m aware that I have a lot to offer someone and I’m a good person.  I know that when you chose a person with red flags what you get is…exactly what I got.

I think that part of my problem is the wiring in my brain.  The thought of rejection, or someone not liking me, I think affects me more than most.

There is a trend with men if you look through my posts.  Crappy guys that were bad to begin with.  I tried to have something with them romantically and in the end I cried and was anxiety ridden.  A mess really.

I feel bad about myself and don’t like myself.  This is the core of all my problems I know.  I’ve known that for a long time and I think I picked other things-unhealthy things- to focus on instead because, well they were easier.  So I’m hoping through counseling to learn some way to get better with this.  If I don’t I’m going to be texting you with the same issues only it’s a different name for the guy in 2 months.

Lindsey

Anita

Happy Friday!  First except when I’m with my kids or with my dog walking, I feel this intense since of loss.  It’s been here all week like a rock in my stomach.

I’m going to be honest with you about some things that I haven’t really shared.  In the past month I’ve lost 10 pounds.  And I didn’t need to lose 10 pounds.  I cut myself this morning on my leg. I hit myself I the face all in the bathroom.  Reading this makes me sound insane… also that I need help.  I texted my counselor about seeing him 1x a week versus every 2 weeks.

I felt like I needed to get this off of my chest.

Lindsey

Anita,

I weigh 100 pounds now. I was 110. I’m 5-2.

yes it’s just a mark on my leg sometimes my face has a little bruising the next day but it’s fine.

I just feel like I want these unhealthy feelings gone and they wont’ go away.  It’s like I carry them everywhere and I don’t understand why they won’t leave.  I have all these why questions that I will never know the answer to.  I just don’t know why my brain won’t stop it.  I don’t want them anymore in my brain.

Lindsey

Dear Lindsey:

If only we can choose what’s in our brains! But there is a way to mitigate the suffering of what you don’t want in your brain: the moment you realize those thoughts/ feelings are there and you don’t want them- don’t panic!

Don’t conclude the thoughts/ feelings are forever, that it will always be this way forevermore, because when you think this way, next thing- you do something impulsive that makes it worse!

Find somehow the self-discipline to detach from what is driving you crazy, come out from under the water, so to speak, take a breath above the surface of the water, and .. then think and decide what to do, only then you can make choices that make sense!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I like your field with hidden bomb analogy.

“I’ve been doing a really great job of not engaging with my ex“- congratulations for a great job!

“2 men have asked me out since I put single on my Facebook page… one of the men and he invited me to a movie and dinner.  He has a lake house about an hour out of town.  He said my dog could come…  I told him I’m not going to sleep with him.  I asked for his intentions and he said I’m not going to lie-I want to get to know you but yes of course I want to sleep with you. I’m attracted to you“-

– if you can handle a movie and dinner and time at the lake with your dog and this man and not sleep with him, you may enjoy a nice break from work and parenting and your ex. But I don’t want his place by the lake to be… another field with hidden bombs, for you!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Then I am all for you enjoying your time with him, following the conversations this week (where the two of you agree on clear goals and limits for the time to be spent together): in the movies, having a few dinners, sitting by the lake (with insect repellent bombs/ sprays, I hope)!

anita