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Am I giving this more importance that it deserves?

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • December 8, 2013 at 11:07 am #46391
    Barbara
    Participant

    Hi!
    I’m currently single, and making my peace with this fact. After two rather rough experiences with unrequited romantic interest (I wouldn’t say it went as far a being “love”, really) I was feeling like there was something wrong with me, that I was unable to attract guys who would want to persue a relationship with me etc. After working it through with a therapist (amog other things) I’m finally realizing it’s not me…or rather, it is but only because of the guys I keep getting involved with, because of not reading the signs appropriately (ie. not seeing red flags!)
    Anyway, one of the guys with whom I had a bad experience because of this recently came back into the scene. When I say I had a bad experience with him, I mean a REALLY bad expereience…I expected more from what turned out to be only a one night stand in the end and this left me severely depressed. A few weeks ago he contacted me and asked if I wanted to get drinks. I’m not so naive anymore and I understood he probably wanted us to sleep together. I decided to go anyway and see how I felt about the whole thing. We slept together and I feel fine about it. We got together once more after that and again I feel fine. I’m clear as to what I can and cannot expect from him and I don’t think my emotional well being is in danger by him, I mean, I’m cautious with my feelings around him and I know that he is not boyfriend material, and really it’s fine with me. To be honest I’m not sure I really like him as a person.

    Anyway, this weekend I was feeling lonely (ok…horny) and decided to text him to see if he wanted to get together. He got the text but ignored it. Now…I’m not really sure how I feel about it but it DOES bother me. I’m definitely not getting confused as to our relationship…I mean, I know we are nothing, a booty call or friends with benefits at most, but being ignored just bothers me a lot. I feel it’s rude. And considering my history with this guy, I feel like maybe I should let him know that him not deigning to answer (with anything!) bothered me. I never told him what his behaviour last time did to me, he knows I was mad at him but he doesn’t really seem to care…I feel like this time I have the opportunity to say things I haven’t said.

    I feel like I shouldn’t keep my irritation to myself, that I should be assertive and express what bothers me. I want to do this. But also…I know he is not really worth getting upset about…our “relationship” is not so important as to make a fuss about being ignored. I don’t know. What do you guys think?

    Thanks!
    And excuse my english.

    December 8, 2013 at 12:29 pm #46393
    Matt
    Participant

    Barbara,

    I can understand why not hearing back from him would be agitating. If you dont have any illusions about what the two of you share, then where’s the agitation coming from? Is it just a courtesy thing? Perhaps he isn’t clear about it from his side, perhaps fearing it might be turning into more than a FWB connection for him or you. Perhaps he just wasn’t in the mood. Who knows?

    Even a FWB connection needs communication about the terms of the relationship. Perhaps a simple conversation next time (if there is) about responding. “No, not in the mood to get laid.” Or “sorry, busy”… simple courtesy of saying no thanks. Neither one of you have an obligation to say yes to the other, but it seems like you don’t like being ignored just because he’s not in the mood… which if he can’t respect, perhaps its not even a good FWB connection for you. Friends respond to each other.

    Also, just to toss it out there… if you engage with him like that, it may absorb the yearning that would bring something a little better. Said differently, if you feel some desire, and don’t call him, perhaps it would move you toward something a little closer to what you really want. Much like if we stop taking antacids for an upset stomach, we naturally move toward healthier food. Its your song though, sis, so sing it however you want it. Good sex can be fun even if there isn’t a ring involved! 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    With warmth,
    Matt

    December 8, 2013 at 2:16 pm #46398
    StraightNoChaser
    Participant

    I understand how you feel. The expectation is there that when you msg someone they respond and you feel insulted when they don’t respond. It seems like he’s calling all the shots, he decided this was just a sexual relationship, he decides when sex happens and he decides when communication happens. This guy sounds like a jerk hopefully he is a decent lay otherwise not worth it. If you are okay with just a casual relationship there are so many other men who would be open to that.

    You deserve a mutually satisfying casual relationship.

    December 8, 2013 at 2:22 pm #46399
    Barbara
    Participant

    Hi Matt, thanks for replying.

    Yes, I feel it’s a courtesy thing…and also a “I-deserve-your-respect-I-am-a-woman-hear-me roar” kind of thing. I’ve heard/read so much about “if a guy sleeps with you right away he doesn’t respect you, don’t expect him to” and that kind of thing that what I believe about the whole FWB becomes a bit confusing.

    On the one hand I feel like I deserve, just like anyone else, his respect as a person, regardless of if I slept with him or not. On the other hand it’s like: why should I care if he respects me or not? If I care…does it mean I’m getting my feelings into the FWB relationship? If I say it’s meaningless sex and that I’m not expecting more from it…should I care? I feel like I do care, taking the “shoulds” out of the picture, but that’s the thing: Is it worth talking about it with him? Do I let it go even if it bothers me? Regardless of if there’s a next time or not. I try to think about it like so: if this was any other situation, maybe with a stranger who did something that offends me…wouldn’t I let this person know that’s not ok? But maybe that’s not the way to go about it since he’s not a stranger and this is a specific situation.

    And it’s also about doing what I didn’t do before…speaking up for myself, I guess.

    About not meeting him and that moving me closer towards what I really want…I hadn’t thought about it like that. I guess the “moving” part is important since before getting together with this guy I wasn’t getting together with anyone (except my usual group of friends) or meeting new people…I’ve talked about it with my therapist before any of this happened and even though I understand how I have to get out there if I want to meet someone (since my close social circle is kinda reduced in options od datable guys…actually, there is none) I haven’t taken steps towards it. I don’t really know how to do it…or rather, thinking about how to do it makes me feel pretty anxious.

    December 8, 2013 at 2:32 pm #46401
    Barbara
    Participant

    Hi StraightNoChaser,

    Yes, it does feel like he’s calling all the shots. I mean…of course I don’t expect him to say “yes” even when he doesn’t want to get together, but a reply would be appreciated.
    I feel like he is kind of a jerk, and then sometimes I feel like maybe I’m being judgemental about it, like I don’t really know him…

    I guess part of the whole problem is that I don’t have much going on for me right now so I feel like if I cut him off I’m left with nothing (however little I “have” going on with him). So maybe that’s why it’s hard to decide if he’s a jerk or not, if this is worth it or not…Honestly I don’t think he’s a decent lay, I’m not really satisfied with him as a FWB, and I’m okay with casual relationships but I don’t know many men who would be open to that…like I said previously, not much going on.

    Thanks for replying! The last sentence you wrote is something that really made sense to me, made me tear up a bit so I’ll make sure to keep it in my head and heart.

    December 9, 2013 at 6:45 am #46460
    Matt
    Participant

    Barbara,

    I can understand the desire for respect, and of course you deserve it. Whether he gives it is between him and his issues. Just because a woman enjoys sex and has it, does not decrease their deserving of respect… no matter what a man might think. I like your analogy of a stranger doing something to offend you… would you tell them? Is it worth it? For instance, if someone cut you off on the road, would you follow them around until they parked so you could get your feelings heard? You could, if its worth the effort to you. If not, you can just let it go. Thats up to you! If its worth the effort (and be aware of the potential of that person to become even more invalidating… such as “I cut you off? Tough, deal with it.”).

    If your current social circle is empty of potential, perhaps consider branching out a little. There are a lot of guys looking for the same things as you, but if you don’t go where they might be, how will you find them? Consider exploring your interests a little… the anxiety is normal, but it doesn’t have to paralyze you. Courage is accepting that anxiety and doing it anyway. If you take the first step, you’ll perhaps quickly see that anxiety is just fear, and doesn’t control you. I feel some anxiety every time I pour my heart into words, but the potential to help my brothers and sisters find joy makes jumping anyway a no brainer. Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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