Forum Replies Created
April 7, 2017 at 4:53 pm #144123
…But weren’t you two broken up when he slept with someone else? That’s what I get from your story. If you were…well, I don’t think it was really and infidelity then. I haven’t read any other of your threads so maybe I’m missing some info but I think…if you two were broken up and it WAS two years ago…maybe just let it go? He’s with you now and he’s not cheating or giving you any reason to think he’s cheating (I assume and hope.)
I do think you are entitled to your feelings, it’s perfectly understandably to be upset over this. Try to calm down and take a look at what you are actually feeling and why. Are these feelings coming from your own insecurities? Are you just jeleaous? Are you worried he might do it again or actually cheat? Or are you mad he took so long to tell you?January 31, 2017 at 9:52 am #126479
I think it doesn’t really matter if it’s normal or not 🙂 I’ve been there and so have many other people. I don’t know why it happens, but it does. I do think it has to do with your own life…I think when you have more stuff going on you tend to think less of an ex, or whoever it is that’s crossinf your mind. In that sense, a hobby or any activity you enjoy might help.
I’ve also been where you’re at, regarding meeting someone new. I would recommend to make the most out of your situation and try to get out there. Perhaps, instead of working from home, go to a café or some place where there’s other people around. I’m not necessarily implying you go out looking for a new romantic relationship…just focus on meeting new people, if that’s possible (I don’t know how small your town is!), men, women, younger, older. It’s ok if you don’t connect with anyone immediately, just focus on being around people. For me, it felt awkward and frustrating at first because I never actually talked to people, or I felt like I had very superficial conversations and at the end of the day I would feel like a failure. I guess what I’m saying from my own experience is, get out there but don’t take it like a task, or something you have to achieve. Baby steps. For me it worked out in the end, almost accidentally, and have met some people, none of whom I’m romantically interested, but who are fun to hang out with.
Ultimately, it’s up to you what you do about this relationship. The thing is you have to see your ex (and any other guy in the future) clearly for what he is and what he is capable of giving in that moment. It’s hard, I know. But it’s important to recognize (and accept!God, is it hard to accept) who you’re dealing with and whether or not they are a good fit for you in terms of what you want and need in a partner.January 31, 2017 at 9:33 am #126475
It’s interesting to read this from a male perspective. I’ve been in a couple FWB-type relationships and I’ve always thought guys didn’t really think about feeling like they were being “used”, or like they’re waisting their time (that’s what I get from your post, might be way off, though)because hey, it’s (supposed to be) uncomplicated sex. I’ve always thought that if a guy is willing to be in a FWB relationship it’s because he’s not looking for his emotional needs to be met in that particular relationship. But clearly you were unhappy with this arrangement. I get she had her own bagagge and doesn’t sound like she was at a good place to be in a comitted relationship. It makes me wonder…why did you stay for as long a you did?
I’m asking this because I’m genuinely curious. As I said, I’ve been in FWB relationships, they don’t always start explicitly as such, but seem to end up being only that, and it makes me wonder if I’m contributing to that in some way. I mean, I’m not really good at communication, and after many bad experiences I tend to show myself as unattached and somewhat uninterested, like I don’t care one way or another if a relationship turns into something more serious or not. Of course, I do care. And from introspection I’ve reached the conclusion I’m very ambivalent about emotionally intimate relationships…Anyway, I guess I see some of myself (a tiny, tiny, tiny bit) in Anna’s behaviour? Maybe I’m just proyecting. I’m wondering, if this girl had been more in touch with you, or shown more interest …would it have changed anything for you? You said you never fell for her, or connected emotionally, was it mainly that?
Anyway, I’m happy for you, for saying no to your FWB, sounds like the relationship was getting get toxic.June 5, 2015 at 3:29 pm #77772
Hi, amethystt. I’m sorry about you and your friend. I’ve had similar experiences and while some were easy tolet go others were quite painful. I’m sorry you feel lonely. I am prone to feeling like that too sometimes, and those times no matter how much time I spend with my friends I can’t seem to feel content. Of course the reasons for this might be different in your case, but with me I feel the problem is that I feel lonely in my own company.
Then one thing I noticed from your post is that you mention having friends who care about you…and I feel it’s important to ask: do you have friends YOU care for? Do you care about their lives, their problems, etc? Maybe this feeling of not having meaningful connections stems partly from there. After all, connecting is a two way highway. I find that while it’s important for me to feel like my friends care about me it’s equally important for me to take time and get out of my head, focus on them, ask how they are doing because doing so makes me feel connected to them.
Just my two cents. I hope you feel better. Hugs.December 8, 2013 at 2:32 pm #46401
Yes, it does feel like he’s calling all the shots. I mean…of course I don’t expect him to say “yes” even when he doesn’t want to get together, but a reply would be appreciated.
I feel like he is kind of a jerk, and then sometimes I feel like maybe I’m being judgemental about it, like I don’t really know him…
I guess part of the whole problem is that I don’t have much going on for me right now so I feel like if I cut him off I’m left with nothing (however little I “have” going on with him). So maybe that’s why it’s hard to decide if he’s a jerk or not, if this is worth it or not…Honestly I don’t think he’s a decent lay, I’m not really satisfied with him as a FWB, and I’m okay with casual relationships but I don’t know many men who would be open to that…like I said previously, not much going on.
Thanks for replying! The last sentence you wrote is something that really made sense to me, made me tear up a bit so I’ll make sure to keep it in my head and heart.December 8, 2013 at 2:22 pm #46399
Hi Matt, thanks for replying.
Yes, I feel it’s a courtesy thing…and also a “I-deserve-your-respect-I-am-a-woman-hear-me roar” kind of thing. I’ve heard/read so much about “if a guy sleeps with you right away he doesn’t respect you, don’t expect him to” and that kind of thing that what I believe about the whole FWB becomes a bit confusing.
On the one hand I feel like I deserve, just like anyone else, his respect as a person, regardless of if I slept with him or not. On the other hand it’s like: why should I care if he respects me or not? If I care…does it mean I’m getting my feelings into the FWB relationship? If I say it’s meaningless sex and that I’m not expecting more from it…should I care? I feel like I do care, taking the “shoulds” out of the picture, but that’s the thing: Is it worth talking about it with him? Do I let it go even if it bothers me? Regardless of if there’s a next time or not. I try to think about it like so: if this was any other situation, maybe with a stranger who did something that offends me…wouldn’t I let this person know that’s not ok? But maybe that’s not the way to go about it since he’s not a stranger and this is a specific situation.
And it’s also about doing what I didn’t do before…speaking up for myself, I guess.
About not meeting him and that moving me closer towards what I really want…I hadn’t thought about it like that. I guess the “moving” part is important since before getting together with this guy I wasn’t getting together with anyone (except my usual group of friends) or meeting new people…I’ve talked about it with my therapist before any of this happened and even though I understand how I have to get out there if I want to meet someone (since my close social circle is kinda reduced in options od datable guys…actually, there is none) I haven’t taken steps towards it. I don’t really know how to do it…or rather, thinking about how to do it makes me feel pretty anxious.