April 13, 2018 at 8:34 am #202211
Hi, I'm totally new to this site but am really hoping someone can help me, even though I know I'm pathetic. I'm a 50 year old woman, second marriage, 2 lovely daughters.
10 years ago I remarried and moved to a new city with my two girls. I've got several good friends that I've known since I was a teenager, I've always been there for them and vice versa.
When I moved to the new place I started going to the local pub with my husband. There's a group there that he mixed with and I too got involved with them even though my husband said ‘they're pub people', not real friends. I've always got on well with these people and considered some of them to be ‘real friends'.
I have to digress here but will keep it short. Three years ago, my dad died in his chair. No chance to say goodbye. He'd always given the impression that my mum would be financially looked after yet I quickly found out (as I was executor of the will) that he left untold debt and there was no life cover to pay off the remaining mortgage. 18 months of financial stress followed during which time we had to downsize my mum to a flat so we could pay off the house mortgage and other debts. During this time I found out I had a brain tumour which was successfully removed two years ago. Life seemed to settle down a bit when this time last year, my 17 year old daughter got diagnosed with cancer and underwent 6 months of chemotherapy hell. She is now in complete remission, but at the end of her treatment my mum got diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time.
Throughout all this I have remained positive and people tell me that I've always had a smile on my face and remained positive.
Back to the pub people: a new man (who I since found out is much disliked) started coming into the pub around the time of my dad dying and he was always quite sympathetic to me. I've never gone on about all the things that have happened but about a month ago he said something derogatory to me and I reacted (unusual for me). He went mental, telling me that everyone in our group was sick of me, that it was all about me, that all I say is ‘woe is me', that I should get over my daughter having cancer and basically that no one likes me. I'd had a lovely party for my 50th last year and he said that even though everyone came to it, they never really wanted to or to contribute to a gift for me. It was a real verbal assault, I was horrified and been in shock since. Although at the end of the row I told him what a nasty b*****d he was.
My husband made me go to the pub the other week to show him he wouldn't win, but all my ‘friends' kept away from me and have stuck with him all the time. I tried to break the ice with him but he went mental again and caused another scene. I won't ever go in there again although my husband does.
I know it's for the best to not go there again and my close friends say I should stay away as they are not the sort of people I would have mixed with during my first marriage and having met these people don't like them anyway. Have said they are false.
I need to reiterate that I get on with everyone else in other aspects of my life and have never tried to be ‘woe is me' although I think I should be allowed to.
Any advice would be helpful, I feel so low and in doubt of myself.
Thank you xApril 13, 2018 at 12:02 pm #202245
You went through a lot. I hope your daughter's remission continues and that her healing is complete.
I wish that man did not assault you. What a shame that you suffered his assault and twice (you mentioned a scene he caused following the verbal assault). It must be painful to be betrayed by the pub people who you considered to be your friends.
At the beginning of your thread you wrote that you are pathetic. Why did you write that, that you are pathetic?
anitaApril 13, 2018 at 12:21 pm #202253
You are staying away from this toxic man by not going back to the pub. You still have close friends that you trust and stick by you. You have a supportive and loving husband.
I would embrace that. Start a daily gratitude journal and focus on the positives in your life.
MarkApril 13, 2018 at 2:46 pm #202285
I say I'm pathetic Anita because there's a reason these I get on these peoples nerves xApril 13, 2018 at 2:49 pm #202287
Thank you Mark, you are right. Even though I will miss my pub life, I need to concentrate on people who do love me. XApril 14, 2018 at 4:46 am #202341
You wrote that there is a reason why you get or got on these people's nerves. Any idea what the reason or reasons may be and how such a reason leads you to consider that you may be a bad person (“Am I really a bad person”, title of your thread)?
anitaApril 15, 2018 at 11:00 pm #202585
I hope you are well. I know it may not seem like much, but I know how you feel. The betrayal, the manipulation, the anger and the utter, utter confusion. I don't know anything about the man – nor would I want to quite frankly – but what I can say is he is not the proprietor of the other people's feelings. He neither their lawyer nor their God, and perhaps they are maintained in a carefully constructed line that he imposes… You don't know — but it is good that you are trying to get out before he swallows you whole.
In terms of your own troubles, friends – even fair-weather ones- , should be supportive of your woes. Your daughter had <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>cancer</span>; you are not complaining about something light! I am sure if ‘the boot were on the other foot' any of them would expect extreme support. I understand you – as I believe I am the same type of person. We try to take on a lot to support those we love, and if we need to vent about it every so often then so be it! We are not weak or “annoying” because of this.
To answer your question, “am I really a bad person,” I would say that is neither here nor there. I know that's not comforting, but the question of “bad” is often constructed with a set of morals attached. Perhaps the man thinks he is a “good” person for “telling it like he sees it.” But if you, Vicky, consider a “good person” to be someone who tries to assimilate into her husband's community to support him, be there hand-and-foot for her daughter to help her with a devasting crisis, and try everything she can to put her mother in the best possible situation following the passing of a loved one, then I would say you try all you can for those you love. I think that is pretty admirable.
I had a similar experience a year ago with some very nasty girls whom I lived with. Though I truly tried to be passive and “let the mama bear have her way,” she manipulated the truth and swayed even my closest friends to align with her assumed fears. Even when I tried to confront her she turned everything against me; I felt like I had no voice. This powerless feeling is one of the worst in the world. I understand how you want to avoid the local spots you enjoyed, and, more painfully, to give up a group of friends to pacify a malicious, and stone-cold person. It seems even the biggest of cities are too small for the two of us… Regardless, I find that times of destruction are followed, if carefully reflected on, by reconstruction. I know that no matter how much time I wasted being friends with that toxic person, I was able to immediately make friends and live according to my <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>own</span> vision of what was “good.” And that was pretty damn freeing! At the very least, I take comfort in the fact of knowing she could never have made those friends without me. I gave to her, just like how you gave your best effort to the “pub” – and no matter how much someone may try to extract your energy and light, it will always come from within!
I hope this might have given you a few moments of peace,
-AApril 17, 2018 at 2:23 am #202769
I would not put too much pressure on yourself in the thoughts, feelings or emotions of people you meet in a bar or pub. Remember that when you first said you wanted to go, your husband even said “these are “pub people, not really friends” and he is right. People are not usually there to really make “new friends”..they are not the most stable of people. Many might have drinking problems, or go out after work as a means of escape from an unhappy home life, dealing with kids, an unhappy marriage, co-worker problems, etc. Many are in AA. Many may have had a few drinks too many, like that man, that said those awful things to you. He may have said that, but it had nothing to do with you. He is in his “clique”at the pub, maybe he is jealous, as you are married, he is single, or he may be having problems with work, drinking problems where he verbally assaults people, it has nothing to do with you. I tried to look up the word “pathetic” in the dictionary, no such thing, theerefore no such definition, just a negative thought we attach to ourselves which is wrong, so is “loser” and all the other lies we tell ourselves.
You are not pathetic, just because one miserable bar person verbally abused you. You have a nice husband, and stated you have/had nice friends in the past. I would just look for healthier places other then a bar to meet nice, stable people, such as hobbies, volunteer work. Don't believe the lies you tell yourself. If your best friend said she was a loser or “pathetic” what would you tell her? Be gentle on yourself. x