Am i throwing away 'mature love'?

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by Mark.

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January 19, 2018 at 7:45 am #187521

Nisago
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Dear all

I have been conflicted for quite some time now and all input would be greatly appreciated. My girlfriend and I have been involved for almost 4.5 years now. Something has been feeling ‘off’ on my side though. On paper, our relationship sounds amazing and I should be really grateful to have a girl like her in my life. She is very kind, funny, beautiful, shares many interests and outlooks on life with me, cares a lot about me and is deeply committed to what we have.

I however, opposed to how I should be feeling about this, don’t feel it anymore. I should feel very grateful and count myself so lucky for what I have found in life, but I’m just not. Like I said: something feels off. I’m not saying that thinking about sharing the rest of my life with her repulses me, but it doesn’t make happy either. It feels more like this is the way things are supposed to go, but not associated with joy or positivity. This actually sums up how I feel towards the relationship as a whole: kind of neutral and supposing that that’s the way a relationship moves, but it feels like my heart isn’t in it anymore. This can’t be right? There are no real feelings of joy and positivity involved (from my side); you could say ‘the spark’ is gone but isn’t that normal after 4.5 years? The feeling of being in love can’t stay forever and something much more mature should take its place. But I’m not sure if that’s what I am feeling.

I have told my girlfriend all of this and it really hurts her feelings. I told her I need a week to be completely on my own so I can think things over. But to be honest, I don’t know what the right step forward is. This lack of joy and positivity really raises questions concerning if I want to take this any further? However, we do have something real here, a beautiful connection that we have built in the course of our lives (both pretty close to university graduation now) and throwing that away feels scary. However, I don’t want to settle for something that is starting to feel kind of cold to me.

I really hope I made my message clear enough to be able to receive some input on this. Also I’m very sorry for the people that will be reading this who have been on the receiving end of a breakup like this.

Kind regards

Nisago

January 19, 2018 at 8:59 am #187585

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nisago:

It is unreasonable to expect joy to last and last with no interruptions, a spark to be always on. But from you stated that you are not experiencing a lack of joy but that you turned cold, neutral, not motivated, emotionally, to continue the relationship- this is a problem. If you have a beautiful relationship, a loving relationship, one that is alive, there should be an emotional motivation to keep it going.

I don’t know if your neutralized state is about who she is and the nature of the relationship with her or it is about prior experiences you had, before you met her. For example, you may have witnessed a “dead”, unloving relationship between your parents, and that experience neutralized you in the context of your present relationship.

What do you think/ feel about my input here?

anita

January 19, 2018 at 5:15 pm #187695

opaki
Participant

It is so late here, but I couldn’t just go away from your post. I am having the exact same situation , except that I am a woman. Everything else is the same.

Now, I’ve been thinking about the relationships, maturity and commitment all together and here is what I think: the lack of joy and positivity is not something we can blame our relationship for. Love is something you have to nurture, every day and all the time. People who can do that or are doing that actually made a decision to do so and they are just committed to that decision. Trying to step back is a sign of your uncertainty, but the the question is if you are uncertain about yourself, your identity and your future or about something else. In my case, I have realized I am afraid I won’t be able to experience all the things I wanted to and the commitment would stop me from my personal growth. Whether this is true or not, the fact is that has nothing to do with the man I’m sharing my house with. If I was motivated to live the life to the fullest regardless of everything else, there would be no doubt-I would either stay or leave, because when you are in peace with yourself, you are certain about the direction.

If you can, put (in your mind) your relationship aside and then think about your future. If you are not satisfied with what you see, the first thing to discover is if leaving this woman would make any change. Then, all you have to is to act accordingly.

I hope you’ll settle this soon. Wish you all the best.

Hellen

January 22, 2018 at 8:41 am #188073

maggie mac
Participant

How does it make you feel to think about not having her in your life on a daily basis? The answer to that will tell you a lot. Mature love, to me, Doesn’t mean we don’t feel anything. It means the love has grown and gotten richer and deeper. There should be more feelings in my opinion. From what you have written I feel you don’t have the passion or connection that makes love so special and beautiful. Yes, you can settle for less than that. It doesn’t sound like you want to though.

January 22, 2018 at 10:57 am #188119

Mark
Participant

It is natural that there is a loss of the feeling of “love” as the relationship ages.

We tend to grow complacent and take things/our partner for granted.

The literature tells us to put variety (“spice”) into the relationship by varying how you interact with each other, by doing different activities, by showing how you care for each other.

There is mindfulness where you consciously love. Love is a verb.

A gratitude journal is a proven method to help increase happiness. Try doing that specifically on what you are grateful for with your partner.

Mark
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