Hi Jade. I m sure we all still have that rational mind (however limited in times of darkness) to know what’s right to do. We are all humans too and thoughts can be very powerful, it clogs our view, drives us insane when our rational mind is at odds with what the emotions dictate.

If you don’t mind me sharing a bit more for your consideration, do read on. In relation to dealing with the questions you have, this is how I tried to remind myself why I have to move on and love myself more, at the same time fighting those thoughts that repeatedly feed my mind with thoughts that are backward looking.

1) “Will I really forget him one day? Our love felt so right, and I feel like I’ll never feel the same again. Meeting someone new… will it be as great as this?”
–> its strange how if its meant to be, things get better and better with time. Just like a job we feel satisfied with, a hobby we cannot skip doing for a week, the people whom give you positive energy everytime you are around them. Applying this principle, if the relationship was meant to be, it will get better and better (of course it doesn’t mean its a bed of roses) despite mistakes, tears, fights etc.

2) “Will he understand me as much as my ex? ”
–> If there was really so much understanding, maybe such 2 persons would still be together. When things break down, its an outward indication something isn’t right.

3) “Will I be able to love him as much as my ex? Will I be able to love a new person without an inch of love left for my ex?”
–> If you haven’t gotten over the previous person, you obviously cannot love someone else. But trust me, with time, things will fade out, and maybe one day it seems as though you are looking at your past from a third party’s point of view. Why do I say that – becos 2 incidents happened since my last writing to you which reaffirms this point: (i) I ran into a guy a used to like so much, but he wasn’t ready for a relationship with an intention to marry. It hurt me so much to have had a failed last relationship, and met a new guy i really liked, and yet realise he isn’t ready (which i think translates to I am not someone he likes enough). When i ran into him 2 days back, the times we spent together appeared like a movie in my head, and I just walked past him with no special feelings really. (ii) this evening, I had dinner with my friend, and the next table sat my ex bf’s good friend whom I spoke to regularly in the past. Again, i only saw him in the corner of my eye, Perhaps he wasn’t certain it was me too given that i think i look so much happier and alive now. Even the times where i used to speak to this guy-in-next-table-exbf-friend became a move in my head. No special feelings. Perhaps I just wished if he were clearly my friend and not exbf’s friend, i would be happier to have at least said a few things to him to “catch up”.

4) “Can I love like a new person again?”
–> start by loving yourself, allow yourself to be your number 1, your inward and outward happiness to be most important. It took me a 3 weeks trip overseas alone to appreciate that I CAN be alone and just appreciate being there and breathing. Still after that I was upset, it didn’t erase all that disappointment I had in myself.

Then I asked myself : “What do I REALLY WANT TO DO? WHAT CAN MAKE ME HAPPY? WHAT HAVE I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO?” so that I can feel alive again, full of joy, full of life, excitement and enthusiasm, and not a living empty shell….

A few days later, i decided to research on a possible sabbatical overseas, and I quit my job (i was lucky enough to be able to do that) with a shortened notice, and went to Europe for a stint. In Europe, I was alone, there were times I still felt vulnerable, alone, never be able to meet someone I would love again. Meeting new person after new person, thinking there will be a miracle and I will meet someone better. BUt it didn’t happen while i was away. When i returned, it still did not happen. It was only until about 2 years after that I met my current bf, at the stage where i recovered and yet AGAIN NEARLY gave up on relationships.

5) “WHAT IF, he wanted to talk to me, but is holding back as much as I am too? What if he feels too guilty to talk to me? What if he didn’t talk to me because on social media I look so happy and cheerful with my life? Should i let him know that my heart is still aching too? If he knows would that make it easier for him to approach me?”

–> There can be many what ifs in life. If love is so strong and certain, it wont hold back if it knows its right. If hes happy seeing you are happy on social media, maybe hes happy moving on too, and his lack of approach to you may be also read as him moving on. In this case, from what I read frm your writing, you think it was your mistake that drove you guys apart. If thats true, and if he wanted to reverse the state of the r/s after you have admitted to your mistake, he would be the one getting in touch with you. Otherwise, his inaction says very clearly he isn’t ready/interested to rekindle any feelings. So basically, the answer is clear without you having to tell him anything … becos if he wanted the r/s back, he is in the position to reconcile with you.

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Definitely forgiving yourself and accepting your mistakes will take time. Let this also be part of the project to love yourself more. Be patient with yourself. I was very impatient too… i was counting the time i “wasted” while healing and how i did not get much “accomplished” while being depressed for those months…

If you have time, try reading up on cognitive behaviour therapy. it helps us dissect our negative/backward looking thoughts in an attempt to help us move forward, and embrace what is the objective view (without undue influence by emotions).

Please write back if there is anything else I can help you with. It is only a phase in life, emotions pass, down times pass, and the only way from the bottom is upwards 🙂