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Analysis of Current Truths

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  • #68001
    Jacobx
    Participant

    In my opinion there is nothing like a failed relationship to give you perspective on where you are currently with regards to gaining truth and understanding on one’s self. At 33 years of age, I just ended a seven month relationship, it’s been over for a week now, I’ve been battling the usual emotions, the flights of fancy, memories, regrets, all of the things that we need to acknowledge to heal. I even have a good idea of who the other person was and why it would never work, and why it didn’t.

    But I had no idea of who I was until this happened, which is the important part.

    My relationship before this last one was a 4 month relationship with a wonderful woman. Not cliché wonderful, but real talk wonderful. Beautiful heart, easy to make laugh, independent, sweet. Would do anything for you…what I held against her was looks. She wasn’t as pretty as I thought she should be. Only now does that affirmation make me feel sadness for how I treated her. After 4 months, after me being the prince charming and claiming love, I called her on the phone, said my feelings had changed, and basically exxed her out of my life. I have never considered myself shallow so I leaned on my history of thinking I had a right to the ‘laws of attraction’, and I dumped a perfectly good woman because of it.

    My next relationship, the one that just ended, was the exact opposite.
    She was the prettiest girl I’ve ever dated, had the nicest figure, had a crush on me…..The pre-requisites for success this time around had been met.

    It was the worst relationship I’ve ever had. Somewhere In the last 33 years I’ve been slowly becoming a decent person. It has taken some time. I will do anything for people I truly care about. Ten years ago I didn’t know what another person was. Today I’m letting a best friend live with me for free while she works through her own relationship troubles. I like being a dependable adult, being someone to be relied on.

    The woman in question never asked me to have a backbone. She preferred to setup each date, road trips, dinners. She showed off her lavish lifestyle, all her high profile friends, family connections. Bragged about her taste in music, clothes, everything. She saw herself as a player, someone men could never totally forget, yet she hated to see her exes with new people. She had an ego the size of the moon.

    I didn’t realize how simple I have become until I realized I didn’t care about any of these things. None of this impressed me. Offhandedly hearing about other men made me angry, it seemed excessive at time. I started to understand that this was a day to day person, so I rebelled and starting asking for more of a long term goal. It set her off like a starter pistol. Suddenly I was encroaching on her independence, I was clingy, I had too many complaints. By the end of the 7 months, I was in love with who she should have been, not who she was. I ended it.

    Here is what I learned:
    My personal value system has changed. I can never judge a person simply by how they look again. This was a lesson learned the hard way. The words love to me, at this stage in my life, are just words. We are not entitled to other people, or to be satisfied all the time. We give and we receive. How much we need in return defines us. Right now I need too much to be an adequate partner to any woman. I’ve learned I have some fight in me, but the fact I stayed in a 7 month relationship, one that basically amounted to a museum tour, because of sex and how someone looked, scares me, also how I am willing to fall in love with an idea and not a person, scares me. It also made me realize that I have discarded some good people for silly reasons.

    I feel more mature, but can admit there is a long way to go.
    Thanks for listening.

    #68007
    Michael
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am younger but I have been going through a similar situation that I hope you can relate to. About 2 and a half years ago I met an extreamly beautiful girl, I was 22 and she was 19. I was intrigued that she was younger and “hot”. We hit it off right away. a few months down the road I started seeing her real personality. She was rude to my friends, people on the street, waiters and waitresses. She would fly off the handle really easily. She also had a lot of baggage, just self esteem issues and normal life issues that a more mature person is used to. she came to me with all of her problems and I would give her advice or just fix them myself, I had someone dependant on me and she would tell me that she was so madly in love with me and it fell nice…for my ego at least. But I started to feel resentment towards her because it was just problem after problem and before we went out I was already expecting her to be rude to some one so I was on edge all the time. Finally I started trying to get her to be more independent and start being responsible for herself, she looked at this as controlling (and I can admit that it was to a certain point). finaly when I stopped providing all of things for her and tried to help her be more dependant, she left me. I was in love with the idea of her as you put it. She was hot and she loved me more than the world but ultimately she was mean and she really had some work to do on herself. I now know that I will never let another relationship go on the way that one did. I will never date someone solely because of their looks and I will never let a relationship to on longer than it should. we learn so much more from our failures than or success. As long as you learn from what you believe to be your mistakes, then I think it has been a victory.

    #68072
    Liz
    Participant

    Thank you much for sharing your stories Jacob and Michael. Really encouraging to me. It can be delightfully surprising the places we can find wisdom and solace…

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