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Angels vs Demons

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  • November 22, 2016 at 11:31 am #120952
    Librette
    Participant

    I feel like something is wrong with me. All my life I have been torn between 2 situations. I am always attracted to and fallen for men that make me chase them. They all have similar traits. They are very good looking, great in bed, and basically make me jump through hoops to get some attention. If I meet someone who is decent, mature, and doesn’t play games, I feel bored, get freaked out, and run away. I have tried to force it and give some of them a chance because I know I deserve to be treated right. But I just stop being attracted to them in any way.

    I am 33!!! It’s high time I sort myself out! I wonder if there are any tools for me to work with to change. And I am also curious where does it come from? Why am I like this?

    November 22, 2016 at 12:18 pm #120956
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear liberette:

    To figure out where this behavior comes from and why you are like this (questions in your last line)- look at your childhood where patterns like this are formed. Were you unloved and did you chase a parent, or an older sibling (a care taker) for love?

    anita

    November 23, 2016 at 4:45 am #120979
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi librette,

    Chasing someone is an attempt to balance out the past.

    Another exercise is to Change the Script. What would happen YOU stood up The Hot Guy (for once)? If YOU didn’t return phone calls? If YOU told the Hot Guy (him hearing this perhaps for the first time in his life) “I just want you to know upfront I’m not interested in a relationship”?

    Then you REWARD the nice guys when they show good behavior.

    YOU are the Five Star Card.

    Also watch movies where the girl is pursued by all the guys. Imagine yourself as that girl. Start with There’s Something About Mary.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    November 23, 2016 at 4:56 am #120983
    Librette
    Participant

    Thanks Anita and Inky. Yes. My mother wasn’t very warm towards me and I feel like I never had a mother-daughter relationship. I remember specific situations around 5-7 years old which make me wonder if she ever loved me at all. Also my dad is a very quite man, and I remember my mum being jealous that I was closer to him growing up. She would argue with him that he always took my side…I think I am still chasing for her approval and acceptance sometimes. I am scared I will regret to trying my all when I get older..

    Dear Inky I have trouble being sexually attracted to good guys, so it’s difficult to visualize the situation.

    November 23, 2016 at 6:33 am #120986
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear librette:

    There are a few factors and possibilities here, as I see it:

    1. “I am always attracted to and fallen for men (who are) …very good looking”- it is natural to be attracted to men you view as good looking, and that is regardless of more complicated behavioral patterns.

    2. Regarding chasing men, some people, men and women, enjoy the chase itself, and once succeeding in getting the attention, they get bored (or if someone is available and no chasing is required, one is not motivated to proceed). Could it be so for you?

    3. You wrote that you “get freaked out” and “run away” if a man is “decent, mature, and doesn’t play games”. When you chase a man, you are in motion, running (figuratively). If you stop running, stay in one place (available to an emotionally intimate relationship), then you will be vulnerable to that man getting to know you and then reject you. Could it be so for you?

    4. The attraction itself, beyond the physical aspect of good looks, could be an attraction to those who are not interested in you. Like your mother who was not interested in closeness with you, the thrill is to MAKE her interested in you. Your past attempts as a child, to reach out to your mother and have closeness with her failed, but the motivation is still here and has extended to uninterested men. Maybe..?

    5. Going out on a limb, you wrote that your father is “a very quite man”- could it be that men who are “decent, mature, and (don’t) play games” remind you of your father? When your mother was “jealous that I was closer to him growing up… argue with him that he always took my side…”- could it be that you are in a way trying to accommodate your mother’s jealousy, her jealousy being a sign to you that she cares, by staying away from men who resemble your father?

    anita

    November 23, 2016 at 8:02 am #120988
    Librette
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I do recognise myself in what you said on a few points, especially being open to an intimate relationship for fear of being rejected. I find myself holding back a lot from affection for fear of looking needy, demanding, or too sweet. I know I am very loving, and my friends know that part of me, but somehow I hold it back with good guys. This suits the bad guys well as they don’t have to get to know me I guess..

    I’ve always known my mother’s behaviour affected my relationships as an adult. I see some of it in my sisters as well. Nowadays older, she has softened up a lot. She told me she loved me for the first time in my life around 8 years ago. It took me leaving home and starting a life in a new country for her to say that. Just thinking this used to make me cry, it doesn’t nowadays so I guess I made progress. But I still have a long way to go.

    Any tools/exercises/sites you can recommend?

    November 23, 2016 at 8:59 am #120995
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear librette:

    I recommend attending competent psychotherapy as such a challenge you experience has no short -cut, quick solutions you can read about.

    You got used to the fact that your mother told you she loves you for the first time only eight years ago, while you lived in a different country from her, instead of when you needed her most, when you were right there in front of her, wanting nothing more intensely than her love. So it doesn’t make you cry anymore. But the pain and the fear are still there. With a competent, empathetic therapist, you can process and release that pain, reduce the fear, over time and experience the love you needed from the very beginning.

    anita

    November 24, 2016 at 1:27 am #121020
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear Librette,

    Firstly, I am glad that you are looking for some practical tips by wanting to know about any tools or exercises.
    I hope that the below responses will answer all your queries and help to overcome the issues of your situation.

    “I am also curious where does it come from? Why am I like this?”
    Answer: (http://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/cellular-memory-healing-clearing)

    “if there are any tools for me to work with to change.”
    Answer i. Yes, the FREE video series on the below link. The series is short enough to be finished in a day’s time too.
    (http://www.dralexanderloyd.com/the-love-code)

    The above video also talks something about seven principles but it is not read out in the series.
    You will find them here along with a free download link on this page – (http://beyondwillpowertogether.com/2015/07/15/seven-key-points-of-the-greatest-principle-revised-longer-version/)
    (PS: don’t stop yourself just by reading out the 7 principles in the above link. There is more to it.)

    ii. One of the exercises is much better explained in the first website that I mentioned above, than in the video. And the other two tools are explained in the video series.

    iii. And if you still want to understand more about the concept and/or the tools/exercises then you can go through the book at the below link
    (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Code-Principle-Achieving-Happiness/dp/1101902833)

    For your information – ‘The Love Code’ was formerly called as ‘Beyond Willpower’
    A Beyond Willpower workbook was designed if anyone needed more help in putting the concepts of Beyond Willpower into practice further assisting in completing the exercises in the book.
    Workbook:
    (https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Willpower-Workbook-Alex-Loyd-ebook/dp/B00U1TO9BG)

    Warm Regards & Take care,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by VJ.
    November 24, 2016 at 8:37 am #121034
    Peter
    Participant

    We recreate and replay scenarios that our authentic self needs us to work through and become conscious of.

    ‘When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships’ by David Rich

    We all have a tendency to transfer potent feelings, needs, expectations, and beliefs from childhood or from former relationships onto the people in our daily lives, whether they are our intimate partners, friends, or acquaintances. When the Past Is Present helps us to become more aware of the ways we slip into the past so that we can identify our emotional baggage and take steps to unpack it and put it where it belongs.

    • Understand how the wounds of childhood become exposed in adult relationships—and why this is a gift
    • Identify and heal the emotional wounds we carry over from the past so that they won’t sabotage present-day relationships
    • Recognize how strong attractions and aversions to people in the present can be signals of own own unfinished business
    • Use mindfulness to stay in the present moment and cultivate authentic intimacy

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