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Anger and emptiness

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  • July 12, 2016 at 3:19 pm #109493
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello all.

    I would like to receive some help abou going in to details, I was exposed to violence, anger, rage and abuse from birth. My father took his anger out on me, worse than any of my siblings. It wasn’t physical for the most part, it was being screamed at, getting grounded ffor disagreeing with him.He was abusive to my mom. I didn’t fit in at school or make friends easily.my parents didn’t pay attention to me unless to yell. I learned that attention was love. And love was earned through sex. So since since I’ve been 12 (23 now) I’ve been in highly sexual, abusive and on and off relationships.
    But in the past year or so, I moved away from my family, was able to make some amazing friends that I live with now. I’ve become more positive and started taking better care of myself.
    But, inside I keep having these feelings of anger coming up. I had a thought that I didn’t want to share anything that I have with others. Why? I find myself feeling angry at the world. I live in great place, my friends are beautiful people. But I find myself annoyed constantly. I’ve realized that I have been so numbed out that instead of feeling any emotions, I just act out whatever emotion I think that I should be feeling. I don’t feel like I have a mind of my own, I’m so easily persuaded by anyone in my life about relationships and choices. I’m so confused. My roommates help a lot but I even find myself annoyed with them. My roommate is changing her beliefs about herself, making a healthy life, act and for some reason this makes me mad! I need some help to sort all of this out. I know this anger is coming from my early life. Like I don’t want anyone to be ‘better’ than I am. But I also know that we are entirely equal because we are one.

    July 12, 2016 at 8:50 pm #109513
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tiffany:

    We take our home-of-origin with us wherever we go. No matter how different the home where you now live, the images and voices of the violence you suffered are imprinted in your brain and so, they are not gone. The emotions involved in these imprints are still … in motion, still needing resolution. Healing has to be done, and that requires more than a change in location. Getting away from abusive homes is most important and necessary- cutting contact with abusers, necessary so to begin healing.

    Is it possible for you to attend psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist?

    anita

    July 13, 2016 at 1:31 am #109538
    Maria_L
    Participant

    Hello Tiffani,

    Sorry to hear about your difficult childhood. Given the circumstances, it is very normal and expected that you feel the way you do.. Do you know that most of our neural pathways, the highways in our brain, connected to how we react, are formed in early childhood (before 7), through the experiences we gained back than? You’ve been using these ‘highways’ for years without knowing it and your brain goes on ‘autopilot’ whenever something triggers a reaction.

    But the good news is that you weren’t born with them, they were ‘built’ … and there is a solution… You just have to identify them (psychotherapy can be beneficial regarding this), and then build new ones through new habitual experiences… that will substitute that anger you feel with something else. There are amazing books and studies regarding this that can help, and you can do your research and start a new life mission. The one book I can think of right now is ‘Habits of a happy brain’, but there are many more out there…

    And also in my personal experience, re-living the past and repeating what got you here, can only be beneficial to certain point. Just don’t focus all your mental attention to this, and constantly enforce the old paths, especially if you have already resolved and identified what bothers you 🙂 Half the job is done, you left, you are aware, so give yourself some credit 🙂 Other half awaits.. I am so glad that you are out of that abusive environment and you are not among the many, unfortunate people that are still stuck in violence, and have to make the hardest first step.

    If nothing else, try a simple exercise for now… As you said, friends make you happy, I am sure that you spend a lot of time with them and you make exciting new plans… Whenever something ‘triggers’ your anger, identify it and try to refocus your attention on the plans you have that day with your friends…. or whatever makes you interested and happy… It takes time (not too long though), and practice but it can be done, till your brain goes on another auto-pilot 🙂

    I hope that you’ll be fine, and that at least I gave you a different insight… Do not blame yourself or get frustrated, as I said all this is a normal reaction, and it you can overcome this… We are ‘designed’ to survive and move forward… Best of luck!

    July 13, 2016 at 5:20 am #109542
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Tiffany,

    Your life is like watching a long, dark documentary and then suddenly changing the channel to watch happy, colorful television for young children. It’s off-putting because this NEW reality is such a contrast it’s hard to know which Universe is/was Real, if they exist at all!

    I think you’re pissed off at the friend bettering herself because it’s all “GAAH! You’re in a perfect Universe and you think you’re too good for it!!” I get that feeling. “I’ve been through hell and am a hot mess, and here you are polishing diamonds.”

    OK, I just read an article which I’ll link if I can find it again. She says, “You deserve therapy. You deserve to be loved, wanted and respected.” You repeat the last part to yourself several times a day while seeking therapy. You’ve been through hell. You are NOT crazy. You DESERVE some friggin’ therapy!!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
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