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Anger Issues with my BoyFriend

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  • #339694
    basil
    Participant

    Hi ,

    I am stuck in a situation and I don’t know what should be the solution for it . I am dating my friend from the past 1 year . We know each other from 2014.  Soon after we started dating , I started realizing that he has several anger issues . He yelled at me at several instances over petty issues . Some issues of mine triggers his anger and he bursts out in a bad shape . He says that me continuously doing the same wrong thing makes him burst out in a bad way . I made hime realize that he has a bad temper and he needs counseling . He agreed to the same and has initiated the counseling . There has been several instances after that where he has again badly behaved with me when i told him that i want to breakup with him. He was broke and he promised to improve by counseling .

    I am a bit hopeful that maybe the situation might improve , but the burst and the fights which happen intermittently kills me . I feel suffocated and feel I have doomed my life .  There is a bigger mess here  apart of the differences between both os us . My Bf parents disapprove of me big time because they know about my past with my ex boyfriend. They just cant bear me and as u can understand , they are extremely stubborn and may not budge from their decision in future . My boyfriend has took a stand for me , has fought with his parents and have made it clear that he wants to marry me … The extent of the situation is so bad as that he was not talking to his parents from 2 months .

    I am going crazy thinking about the whole situation . I am hopeful my boyfriend may improve on his anger issues , will we be able to live a life together with extreme disapproval of his family ? there were situations where i told him that i wanted to back off but he bursted in tears and couldn’t handle himself  and felt cheated .

    I don’t want to hurt him but its a crazy situation here . What should i do ?

     

    #339774
    anita
    Participant

    Dear basil:

    I am wondering if your boyfriend is the same one you referred to as Jason in your Oct 2017 thread, the one you met while in a troubled relationship with another man whose parents disapproved of you; following a breakup with that boyfriend you proceeded to have a relationship with Jason, then the ex returned to your life saying his parents changed their minds and he was ready to marry you. You then rejected the ex and told Jason about it. Next the relationship with Jason became cold, there were fights, breaks, getting back together.

    1. Is your current boyfriend Jason?

    In your current thread, you wrote about your boyfriend: “He says that me continuously doing the same wrong thing makes him burst out in a bad way”-

    2. what is the “same wrong thing” he is referring to?

    anita

    #339838
    basil
    Participant

    Hi Anita ,

    No ,  the current boyfriend I am referring to is not Jason . Both my ex and Jason , I had referred to in my previous posts are happily married now .

    The current boyfriend I am referring to is my long time Friend.

    The ‘same Wrong’ thing is his expectations which I am not able to meet and that becomes a mistake which I committed . Small things like not communicating everything to him forsay , booking a flight , not prioritizing him over my work and these stuff.

    I want to add one more point here that he has no support from anyone . He is currently all alone and he may be in more worse mental condition than I am in . He has been taking a stand for me in front of his parents and both the parties(he and his parents) have withdrawn from each other .

    We again had a bad fight yesterday and it again blew off and this time even i couldn’t keep my calm . I told him , i want to back off. He begged me to be in the relationship and not leave him alone , but I feel , I am also mentally disturbed that both os us are triggering each other’s anger and make the situation more worse.

    I am extreme crazy state now . Feeling guilty and bad about what all is happening to him and I feel I don’t have the energy to help him also . Each time , I think that maybe I should be more patient or what he is going through but whenever he bursts out at me , I can’t help but fire back and tell him to back off . He starts sobbing badly and I am like helpless . Can’t do anything .

    He can’t keep himself away from me, and I wanted to .. so he blocked me last time , apologizing that he can’t keep himself from talking to me . His parents are equally torturing him . I have no option but just to pray to God to help him .

    #339840
    anita
    Participant

    Dear basil:

    I will be able to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #339922
    basil
    Participant

    Sure Anita . Waiting for your response .

    Basil

    #339934
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Basil:

    I don’t see any other sensible choice for you to make other than ending this relationship as soon as possible.

    “My boyfriend has took a stand for me, has fought with his parents and have made it clear that he wants to marry me”- unfortunately he is not able to take a stand for you and for himself beyond that which he took with his parents. He fought with his parents, but he didn’t win. He didn’t win because still, in the present time, “His parents are equally torturing him”.

    And to add to it, he is fighting against you, “He says that me continuously doing the same thing makes him burst out in a bad way”- I asked you what that same thing is because if it is you calling him a terrible name or yelling at him, then I would understand his bursting out in a bad way. But you answered me that he gets mad at “small things”, mistakes, like “not prioritizing him over my work and these stuff”.

    This means to me that he is so tortured that he unreasonably expects you to make it all better for  him, expecting you to  act so impossibly perfectly that you will take away his torture. And he blames you for not succeeding in doing the impossible.

    I imagine that his parents are cruel parents who have been torturing him in some ways before you came into the picture. This is probably why he is a tortured man. He stand up to them once in a while but he didn’t yet win, he is still tortured by them.

    “He is currently all alone”-but he is not better when his parents are in his life, and he is no better having  you in his life. After all, he has been tortured while you are with him, trying to be as loving and as patient as you can be with him.

    Your choice is between:

    1. Staying with him and experience torture alongside him (“I feel suffocated and feel I have doomed my life”), that is, you suffering and him suffering.

    2. Breaking up with him and you having a chance to not be tortured, to not be doomed to a life of suffering.

    * I figure you do  want to get married, but this is not the right man for you to marry, unfortunately.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #340266
    basil
    Participant

    Thanks for replying back Anita.

    I guess, you were able to understand what’s happening . Yes , You are right. He may not be the right one to go ahead with . Both personal differences and family issues will ruin both of us .

    Sometimes , I just try to step into his shoes and think , how would he be feeling. He was always the Mumma’s Boy before i stepped into his life . I encouraged him to take a stand for himself and his love in front of his parents . He finally took the courage to do it. Moreover , he also initiated counseling for his anger . He must be feeling so betrayed after I decided to step back .

    Also , we have different opinions in fundamental values . He is more like things should be this way and not that way . Partners are supposed to tell each and everything to each other and there is nothing called personal space between partners . And I am just the opposite . Every Individual need their own space . Like , Even if he kind of overcome his anger issues , fundamental differences will exists . We were good friends . We just couldn’t see all this in our friendship so we thought we are compatible.

    Thanks for listening to me . I welcome all your advice and thought .

     

     

    #340306
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Basil:

    You are welcome. It is a good thing that you encouraged him “to take a stand for himself”. So he did and his mother punished him for doing the right thing for himself. And now, he is stuck in between lives: in between the “Mumma’s boy“-‘s life and a mature man‘s life.

    I am guessing, that he is stuck, angry, in this in-between: on one hand he wants his mother’s love (which would mean doing what she wants him to do, which is to break up with you), and on the other hand he is angry at her for demanding such a high price for her love (obedience where she has no business demanding that).

    In this in-between situation he is not breaking up with you and he is not talking with his mother. Problem is that he is directing his anger at you, the one who tried to help him become an mature man. And so, he is not breaking up with you but he is breaking you with his expressed anger at you.

    It is not your fault that his mother is controlling, that he is therefore overly attached to her, and that as a result, he is in-between. There is nothing for you to do because it is not in your power to undo his strong attachment to his mother. It is in your power though to leave this unhealthy for you (staying in it, by the way, is not helping him either, does it).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #341646
    basil
    Participant

    Hey Anita ,

    I am in a bad guilt feeling . I have the feeling that whatever I am doing is right for me but I am in the constant guilt that I left him in a bad state . I know my first priority is to take care of myself. But he is in constant pain. I spoke to him today . I told him that it was his anger that drove him away for me . He told me that he is taking his anger management counseling and his only sadness is that I left him at a bad state . He loves me and is feeling bad . He is going thru a bad state in terms of family , career and love life .

    Sometimes , I think that maybe if he improves his anger , and maybe things get better between us , we may come together again. But I am scared of giving him this hope . What if , he keeps living in this hope and I would never get that trust again to continue with him . The truth is I have lost hope and trust in this relationship . Inspite his efforts , I have developed a resistance against this relationship.  So , m just scared of giving him any such hope and also , it feels like I am being selfish that if things go fine , We can come together .

    But I want to keep supporting him as a friend. I am constantly feeling that fight inside .

    Love,

    Basil

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months ago by basil.
    #341676
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Basil:

    Key sentence in your recent post is: “The truth is I have lost hope and trust in this relationship”. If I was in your place, as I understand the situation, I would lose hope and trust in this relationship myself, and be glad that I lost hope in a hopeless situation.

    “But I want to keep supporting him as a friend”- I don’t think it is possible and trying this is a bad idea. He needs quality psychotherapy- help from a person who was not his girlfriend, a person who he knows will never be his girlfriend.

    What he wants from you is not a friend’s help. He wants you to.. make it up to him that he is not having a loving mother in his life (past and present). No way you can do that for  him, so he will keep feeling disappointed and angry at you whenever he perceives that you fail this (impossible) task.

    Like I wrote to you earlier, “Your choice is between 1. Staying with him and experience torture.. you suffering and him suffering. 2. Breaking up with him and you having a chance to not be tortured.. doomed to a life of suffering”-

    Notice I wrote the italicized chance. I used that word because if you choose #2, you will feel guilt, a lot of guilt, which you already feel. So making the second choice does not bring immediate peace of mind and happiness. But if you break up with him permanently in spite of the guilty feeling, then later, if you persist and move forward to a better place, you will feel peace of mind, and sometimes you will feel happiness as well.

    anita

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