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basil

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  • #341646
    basil
    Participant

    Hey Anita ,

    I am in a bad guilt feeling . I have the feeling that whatever I am doing is right for me but I am in the constant guilt that I left him in a bad state . I know my first priority is to take care of myself. But he is in constant pain. I spoke to him today . I told him that it was his anger that drove him away for me . He told me that he is taking his anger management counseling and his only sadness is that I left him at a bad state . He loves me and is feeling bad . He is going thru a bad state in terms of family , career and love life .

    Sometimes , I think that maybe if he improves his anger , and maybe things get better between us , we may come together again. But I am scared of giving him this hope . What if , he keeps living in this hope and I would never get that trust again to continue with him . The truth is I have lost hope and trust in this relationship . Inspite his efforts , I have developed a resistance against this relationship.  So , m just scared of giving him any such hope and also , it feels like I am being selfish that if things go fine , We can come together .

    But I want to keep supporting him as a friend. I am constantly feeling that fight inside .

    Love,

    Basil

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by basil.
    #340266
    basil
    Participant

    Thanks for replying back Anita.

    I guess, you were able to understand what’s happening . Yes , You are right. He may not be the right one to go ahead with . Both personal differences and family issues will ruin both of us .

    Sometimes , I just try to step into his shoes and think , how would he be feeling. He was always the Mumma’s Boy before i stepped into his life . I encouraged him to take a stand for himself and his love in front of his parents . He finally took the courage to do it. Moreover , he also initiated counseling for his anger . He must be feeling so betrayed after I decided to step back .

    Also , we have different opinions in fundamental values . He is more like things should be this way and not that way . Partners are supposed to tell each and everything to each other and there is nothing called personal space between partners . And I am just the opposite . Every Individual need their own space . Like , Even if he kind of overcome his anger issues , fundamental differences will exists . We were good friends . We just couldn’t see all this in our friendship so we thought we are compatible.

    Thanks for listening to me . I welcome all your advice and thought .

     

     

    #339922
    basil
    Participant

    Sure Anita . Waiting for your response .

    Basil

    #339838
    basil
    Participant

    Hi Anita ,

    No ,  the current boyfriend I am referring to is not Jason . Both my ex and Jason , I had referred to in my previous posts are happily married now .

    The current boyfriend I am referring to is my long time Friend.

    The ‘same Wrong’ thing is his expectations which I am not able to meet and that becomes a mistake which I committed . Small things like not communicating everything to him forsay , booking a flight , not prioritizing him over my work and these stuff.

    I want to add one more point here that he has no support from anyone . He is currently all alone and he may be in more worse mental condition than I am in . He has been taking a stand for me in front of his parents and both the parties(he and his parents) have withdrawn from each other .

    We again had a bad fight yesterday and it again blew off and this time even i couldn’t keep my calm . I told him , i want to back off. He begged me to be in the relationship and not leave him alone , but I feel , I am also mentally disturbed that both os us are triggering each other’s anger and make the situation more worse.

    I am extreme crazy state now . Feeling guilty and bad about what all is happening to him and I feel I don’t have the energy to help him also . Each time , I think that maybe I should be more patient or what he is going through but whenever he bursts out at me , I can’t help but fire back and tell him to back off . He starts sobbing badly and I am like helpless . Can’t do anything .

    He can’t keep himself away from me, and I wanted to .. so he blocked me last time , apologizing that he can’t keep himself from talking to me . His parents are equally torturing him . I have no option but just to pray to God to help him .

    #144287
    basil
    Participant

    Hi Anita ,

    Thanks for showing me a different perspective. Currently , I am doing well. But , I want to make myself mentally strong. Those

    1.5 yrs  , i had spent pleasing my ex-boyfriend has encrypted in my mind that If i just  keep pushing for  relationship , that can be a success.  I didn’t realize the damage i was doing to myself. At times , even i was hurt by the behavior of my bf , i kept showing that I am fine , trying to be the perfect girl in the world. I don’t wanna be like this anymore. i want to build up a respect for myself. want to learn the ability to say ‘NO’ when i am not comfortable , even if it means to hurt the person whom i love. Sometimes , a negative energy creeps in me , that may be i ll never get a guy , who will love me again and i will end up adjusting with someone, whom i am not comfortable with.

    I also dream that may be , i’ll meet my boyfriend in future and he’ll again fall in love with me. I immediately stop my imaginations, because that will lead me into again thinking and customizing myself according to his requirements. I don’t want to do that.

    I just want to grow myself as a person , who can stand for oneself and again want to believe that after all my mistakes , the universe will give me another chance to fall in love. Just want that.

    Anita , help me believe that’s possible. I keep thinking from where did i  get this people pleasing attitude within me. I try to control this behavior of mine. I no longer want to be people pleasing. I want to be myself.

     

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