I am in severe regret while writing this post. I was in a beautiful relationship from the past 2 years until last year that i broke up with him. I was a fool to do that because I was attracted to a new guy whom I had assumed could change my life. I also didn’t have a smooth start with my former boyfriend. Back in 2011 , we started the relationship and he broke up 8 months later for another girl. I kept on chasing him( in my mind) , pretended to be a friend, refused to move on , and we also had sex meanwhile( me  and him knowing that its not the right thing. But we did it) and eventually that girl broke up with him in 2013. Karma acted and my bf came back to me . i was happy . we again started a relationship. my bf gave all love to me . he helped me forget the bitter past of us. it was the best things that was happening to me. until , i myself broke it with my own very hands.

My boyfriend’s parent weren’t happy with our marriage as according to them the match was unfit (related to  astrology). 2 years the same fight was on. Meanwhile i met a new guy , who liked me. At first instance , it was a normal feeling me and i didn’t take it seriously. But eventually , when i got to know him, he turned out to be a nice guy. he was different and i got deeply infatuated to him.

He liked me a lot and wanted to continue things with me. I was still in a relationship with my boyfriend and I  convinced myself that i should break up because my bf’s parents were not ready. But I loved my boyfriend a lot. Not that I was entering a new relationship with this new guy but i wanted to give myself a chance to see where can I go with this new guy. breakup was not easy . we parted at mutual friendly terms . i traveled to a new city where this  new guy  was staying. he was good ,supportive and charming. But he said that he would not be able to marry as he has some family constraints.  That left me shattered but i felt that as in my earlier relationship , if i stick around things can happen.Initial days were full of love and butterflies all around. I and this new guy were developing a new bond that was all beautiful , but my ex boyfriend was missing me back . He often called me . But i had yet not told him anything about this new guy.

Suddenly out of nowhere , My ex somehow convinced his family for marriage and he was very happy , when he told me about it. But this time I was not. I still cant forget that feeling. i pretended to be happy but he knew something was wrong. I told him everything about this new guy . one hand was a relationship and bond of 4 years and on the other hand new love , charming personality , hopes and passion. I rejected the marriage proposal of my ex,  leaving him badly devastated. Nothing , I could do to reduce his pain. I was equally in pain.this issues had also created a wall between me and this new guy. things were no longer smooth . Things changed. after my breakup. i tried to push things with him but ended up shaming myself. he said that he is just sexually attracted and does not see any future with me. i called my ex , cried and regretted . he supported me. I told him everything. but he had also moved on. he is also engaged now.

for what did i do all this?  wanted some changes in my life. I destroyed my beautiful relation with my bf. all for nothing. I know I was wrong. I had set wrong expectations out of life. its only now i have realized that how weak I am. Knowing that maybe i ‘ll have to regret , I took that decision in a thought that maybe life has to offer more than this.  I thought i should live the present feeling.  I just couldn’t remove my head from this new guy. And what shames me more is that knowing that this new guy is not that much into me (which he had cleared very early , itself) , I went on giving myself each time not only emotionally but physically. I find myself so weak that I always physically gave in. I shouldn’t have.

Here i am today. I have lost my bf , my friends and myself. I have lost respect for myself because i think i am too weak that I couldn’t even say ‘NO’ to respect me and my body. I was living in a imaginary world created by me .