Hi Everyone

I used to hate my mother for a long time. I literally built my identity around it. I tried my damnest to never be like her. I was severely abused by her, so was my brother.

I’m not proud of what I’m about to share. Somehow this is an easier place to start than what comes next.

She used to threaten suicide, cut herself and overdose. When I was younger I used to beg her to stop. Somewhere along the way, I realised that this is what she wanted and eventually I stopped caring.

When I was a tween, she would threaten to kill herself or say that she was going to cut herself and I would say okay. Do it then. And when I saw her cutting herself I would walk away and let her do it.

Get out! Go do this in front of a doctor, not a child! Get the help you need and let her be free of you.

This is not appropriate to say or do infront of a child. Much less to attempt to actively involve them with it for attention. Honestly, walking away is the best thing you can do there. And not caring is your way of trying to protect yourself from her abuse. Even telling her to do it is denying her the attention she was after. It cut down on her involving you with it. You deserved to be protected from that. I’m just sorry that you had to protect yourself and that there was no one else to protect you. I’m here now. This won’t ever happen to you again.

When I found her unconscious overdosed, I prayed for her to die and then took her to the doctor.

Sweetie, close your eyes don’t look. You shouldn’t see this. Take my hand, we need to leave.

You tried to do the right thing. It was more care than she ever showed you. Don’t you dare feel guilty for the trauma she put you through. It wasn’t your fault.

I would dream about killing her while she was asleep, so I could be free.

You were in an impossibly difficult situation. It is okay to have thoughts that you would never act on. I think it shows just how much pain you were in and how much you suffered at her hands.

Clearly, I had mountains of anger towards her. I thought it was impossible to get over it.

Sweetie, I can feel how much you hurt. She did unspeakable things to you. Self-harming and threatening suicide in front of your own children is extremely abusive. She showed zero regard for you when she did these things and actively hurt you by involving you in them.

It’s okay to be angry. It’s entirely understandable. Just let it be. You went through so much. More than anyone should have to.

What can I do to help you feel safe? It’s okay to cry. Let it out. I’m here. You’re safe now. I’m here for you.

It hurts so much.

I know it does. That’s why I’m here. Taking care of you. Trying to help you feel safe. ❤️

Why didn’t she care about me?

Because your mother was broken. It’s not your fault.

Will she ever get better?

I hope so, one day. You don’t have to be there to find out. ❤️